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Ipodtouch · Feb 6, 2012, 12:25 PM

My boyfriend of 4 months has told me he hasn't been himself lately and feels overwhelmed with everything that's going on and feels trapped within himself.

He doesn't call me like he used to, we only speak through text messages and when we meet up, I have noticed he has become less affectionate and doesn't plan ahead like we used to. We have had mini arguments about how we don't communicate properly etc. So I asked him today what's on his mind and he said family, work and me and him don't seem to be communicating either, we have mini arguments but he said its his fault because he don't call me as much any more. He also said he needs to get back into sports and a routine to help him out with all the stress he is under.

He said sorry for being like this and it isn't fair on you that he can't give me time when he can barely get his thoughts together.
I have offered him space and not to worry about giving me time for now..

What else can I do?

smoothy · Feb 6, 2012, 12:33 PM

Do what you just said... if he is honest about being overwelmed... then that's just what he needs. I know for a fact a person that's normally a jovial sort can get testy and cranky when they have too much on their plate. Because I've been there. After you take all the time to deal with everything, there generally is no time left in the day for "me" time everyone needs to decompress when they are stressed. And when you are under a great deal of stress is when you need that the most... and generally that's the precise time you have little or none of it.

awesomagic · Feb 6, 2012, 02:36 PM

Stress is a rotton thing to live with. It can suck the life out of people fairly easily, as you've seen. Simply remind him that everything will be okay just as soon as he clears this hurdle. Remind him that you are going to be there for him, so you have to be the face of strength and calm. If he wants to get back into sports then make some phone calls and run a couple of errands for him to get him started. It's those little things that add up to so very much.

Don't try to be his counselor. Just be his friend. If he's having a bad day, just sit with him quietly. You won't have to say one word, because he'll tell you all about what's bothering him. We all have a story to tell, and we all want to tell our stories. If he doesn't want to talk about it, just wrap your arms around him and reassure him that you're there for him. Tell him that he's loved by a lot of people and you're all going to be there to help get through this. You will do a fantastic job. If you get stuck somewhere, ask someone you trust for help and you will both do a fantastic job. Good luck.

Ipodtouch · Feb 7, 2012, 02:04 PM

Thanks guys you have given me some good advice.

He has also said to me today that "its just something I need cleared in my head which i think would be the best healer. And with it'll get better, I just need to find myself again. I've become lost with work, family pressures and with us too " (meaning me and him)..

So someone who wants to find himself again.. Do I continue reassuring him and being there. He still messages me by sms as we do and when we spoke on the phone for a bit he seemed okay.

awesomagic · Feb 7, 2012, 07:25 PM

You always continue to assure, reassure, encourage, and love no matter what is or is not happening. The fact that he is still communicating with you is a positive sign. You will know things are bad should he cut off those communications. Patience is key and compassion is manditory right now. As far as finding himself, I guess it just depends on what he's looking for...

Ipodtouch · Feb 10, 2012, 02:46 AM

He has now asked for a break.. so we are on a break. He said he doesn't know what he wants and needs to find himself. I guess this is a bad thing..

skylineclouds · Feb 23, 2012, 06:24 PM

Hey Ipodtouch,

I am actually in the same situation. I have been with my boyfriend for the last 4 years. Last year in July, he broke up with me, saying he didn't know what love is, or if he wants it, he couldn't really explain what he was feeling, I just learnt that for the last 6 months before that, he has been struggling inside with doubts and a not-so-good feeling about us being together.

When he broke up with me last year, I let him go. He needed the time to himself, he said he wanted to be alone. But I know him. He will not open up to other people, but he cannot be alone. He needs someone to talk to, flirt, joke, meet up to eat, whatever. 2 weeks after the break up I learnt he was seeing another girl. Maybe this was part of finding himself? I don't know. Perhaps part of being sure about us meant going out and trying this new and exciting person. Of course it didn't work out. In November he came back, saying he missed me, never stopped thinking of me, realized he'd made a mistake.

But his internal demons were not fixed. He never gave himself time to figure out what he wants and who he is. So we date again for 4 months, and last week, he tells me he's still feeling all those feelings of doubt. It didn't hurt as much this time. Because now I don't feel the pain for myself with losing him again, I feel the pain of this internal struggle he's been dealing with. And this time he says he's really going to do this right, and figure out who he is and what he wants, and get his head on straight for his studies and work. He says he doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore, especially me, because I don't deserve this.

The best thing you can do is step back, give him the time and space that he needs. Be loving and kind and compassionate when he talks to you. Because if you were in the same position, you would already be feeling so lost and guilty for hurting the other person, the LAST thing you want is pressure and a feeling that you're not understood.

Take this time for yourself too, to figure out your feelings for him as well as perhaps finding your own individuality again. Many times we lose who we are in a relationship. If after he has figured everything out and he knows what he wants and who he is, he can definitely love you better - if you still want him by then.

But MOVE FORWARD. It is okay to wait and hold on for him in the love aspect of your life, but make sure in other fronts, you are making improvements. All the best!

Ipodtouch · Jun 23, 2012, 01:40 PM

We broke up in the end as he was still unsure. What happened with you in the end ?

skylineclouds, please let me know how you have got on xx

Me and my boyfriend broke up in March 2012 and we have not had contact since, well I haven't contacted him. It was his idea to break up as his feelings had changed.

He has messaged a friend of mine to ask if I'm okay and that I blocked him on fb.

(bare in mind he still has my mobile number and emails)

I sometimes feel to text him. I do think about him still and miss him loads. But scared to text as I feel it will just give me more heart ache.

What do you guys think?

Ps: we didn't break up in a badway, but I just stopped contact because it was easier for me at the time.

JudyKayTee · Jun 23, 2012, 03:03 PM

I'd leave him alone.

talaniman · Jun 23, 2012, 04:25 PM

Threads have been merged together and edited.

I think it wise to not contact him, because he knows where you are and if he is still confused after all this time then what's the point of rehashing old problems, and opening old wounds. Yes it tough, because you want to have hope, but for your own good, stay away from his confusion. Trust me, if it was hard before, it will be even harder now.