[chocodrip]

This is going to be long so please bear with me... I'm 25 years old and have been married for the past five years. Mine was a love marriage as opposed to the arranged marriages in India. I'm a malayalee Christian while my hubby is from a strict tamil hindu family. My father is a famous Preacher in our church circle who travels around the world preaching while also successfully being the CEO of a Business Company. My hubby comes from a family that is far richer than us. We were faced with stiff opposition but we still tied the knot. A few years before we got married I invited him to Church. It was mainly a chance for us to see each other as I went to that particular church only once in a quarter, but I was surprised to hear that he had been attending that church regularly even on the weeks that I didn't go. He became a Christian but refused to tell his parents in spite of me begging to tell them.

The wedding talks began and now my dad also advised him tell his parents the truth to which he refused. We got married and were happy for the next two years during which I lived with his family in a huge mansion... circumstances forced him to reveal the truth and while his mom and sisters were away on a trip to London, his father chucked us out. We stayed at my parents place and then started to look out for a house. My husband pawned all my jewellery, and we rented a one bed room apartment...

Now three years later everything is the same except that my father in law passed away and we reconciled with his mom. But the financial situation in my house remains the same. While we were dating he worked in a bank but now I don't know where he goes everyday... I don't know how much his salary is, I don't know where he works, etc. His mother bought him a bike, she still does so much stuff for him and I feel ashamed as he is now 30 years old. And he borowed money from my mom as well. In the last three years he has not bought me clothes or anything. I got fed up of borrowing from my mom so when my mom gifted my sister a bike and asked me what I wanted... I asked for a laptop and I'm working from home. Now he tries to control as to how I spend my money...

I'm beginning to hate him... every time we talk about this he gets angry and hits me... I wias bought up in such a wealthy manner and now I cannot accept that I'm poor and while I have to agree that he lived a more lavish lifestyle, it is not my fault that he's in this situation. And as for children, we can't conceive and he does not have the money for us to go to the doctor... I'm so depressed, whenever I see my friends who all married the persons whom their parents had arranged and living nicely I feel that my mistake was falling in love... Divorce is out of the question, but my love for him is waning day by day... I want to teach him a lesson but don't know how to... Please help... what should I do?? I sometimes feel like dying but I put away those thoughts when I think about my mom.. I'm planning on running away somewhere... I have my commerce degree from a prestigious College in India and I've been saving up. I don't want to be a burden for my parents... But I'm scared...

[Jake2008]

You want to "teach him a lesson", and I'm not sure why.

Is it because you want him to suddenly become honest and truthful? Is the fact that he's 30 years old, and you have no idea what he does for a living, and he lives poorly, and needs to borrow money to keep his head above water?

Does he feel entitled to know all of your business, and you are not allowed to know him? Is this imbalance of power something that gives him the 'right' to dominate and control you, without answering for his own behaviour? Is this situation something that you can really change?

What did you expect when you married him, and from your perspective now, what do you expect now, having all these doubts about him.

It seems so ironic to me, that while your cultural and religious situation puts you at such an expected disadvantage, right from when you decided to marry him, yet you are well educated and able to go beyond what has turned into you being dominated and controlled, and you feel trapped.

What can you do, to improve your situation.

You are dealing with an angry man, who hits you when you challenge him in conversation. He does not feel that he owes you an explanation for what he does, where his income is going (if he has an income), and likely doesn't answer to you for anything. Yet, his behaviour and actions seem to be rooted in an ancient set of rules that allow him the privilege of domination and control.

Is that likely to change?

How do you see your future in the next few years. Will it be better or worse if you keep trying to add a child into the picture.

What do you want out of your life, and are you willing to accept things the way they are, and will likely continue to be?

Can you get past the hurt you feel when you see couples in 'arranged' marriages who seem to be doing well? Can you seriously consider leaving, and imagine yourself being strong enough to do so?

The tide seems to be against you, and you have much to overcome if you are hinting at divorce.

What do you think is the best course of action for yourself.

[Fr_Chuck]

He goes out every day and you don't know where? You don't know where he works? Or how much he makes ? Or what he does with his money?

Demand to know, go back to live with your mom for a while till he decides what he wants to do.

[talaniman]

Go home, divorce and start over, and learn the lesson that it takes more than love, and high hopes to make a marriage, you both must share the work of building a life with what you have available. Be it a lot, or a very little.

But for now leave because he hits you and that's good enough.

[JudyKayTee]

The rest of this doesn't matter - all you've posted THAT does matter is that he hits you. That's enough right there.

The fact that you are starting to hate him takes second place.

Leave.

[chocodrip]

Thank you all for replying... Divorce in India is not the same as in the Western Countries, Women here consider it the last resort as there are many difficulties to be faced. They are deemed as "easy" among men and are faced with hardships in their workplace. Even women have the feeling that all divorced women will attract their husbands... and it goes on. I said I wanted to teach him a lesson meaning I want him to somehow know what sacrifices I've made. For ex In India, the thali necklace (please Google it) and the chain attached to it should be removed only when the husband dies but since he asked me for it I gave it to him and he pawned it. Since I had two weddings, I had two thalis, a Christian one and a hindu one and he pawned both... Everywhere I went people kept gasping and asking for it... I somehow lied but I guess they must have known. And after the wedding was over my parents gave him 50,000 rupees in cash after they had spent 4,00,000 lakh rupees on the wedding.
I told him to buy gold but he refused to listen to me and lost it in mutual funds... I'm just giving examples of how he is... never have we taken any decisions together. I cannot begin to tell you the desperation I feel when I see babies and there's a baby boom going around in my family... I'm going to be 26 years old this July and I feel so old... I'm so depressed that I'm beginning to eat a lot and have put on weight to which he says you better slim down I don't have money if something happens to you...
Divorce is not at all an option... when I married him I told my father that we will live together and show no matter what life throws at us... ( I was 20 when I said that) but now it's so difficult. I have no one to turn to... don't know what to do

P.s: Please forgive me if I've made any grammatical or spelling mistakes, English is not my Mother Tongue.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm sorry - India or anywhere else. He put his hands on you. He hit you. Does your father (who has demanded that you stay together) know that?

You have a College degree. Why would you be a burden on anyone? You can support yourself.

Get out before he hurts you.

There are other problems in this relationship - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...on-612069.html

How does this play out?

[SadShelly]

"They are deemed as "easy" among men and are faced with hardships in their workplace. Even women have the feeling that all divorced women will attract their husbands... and it goes on."

So this is worth your dignity and self-value? Please don't think that you EVER deserve to get hit by anyone; you don't. So it didn't work out.. happens all the time. Staying with him is "lowering" yourself in terms of self-esteem. He doesn't deserve to be with any person, if he feels he can control and physically attack them. Why be the punching bag?