[kakadu]

Several years ago, my boyfriend had a fiancé who dumped him with his best friend. He was suffering so much that on weekends and parties he would get so drunk he couldn't talk and just fall down or fall asleep. A year passed, he tried to get her back but did not and he decided to forget her. He had some flings but did not have any relationship before me.

Then I came to the choir he was singing in. We very soon discovered that our world views, interests, physical attraction, attitudes toward everything were identical. We started living together quite soon (after half a year) and it was the happiest period of my life (I am twenty six).

Every day he repeated how joyful he was this ex story actually ended because he could meet me. He did speak about her in the beginning only. Later on, he said he did not feel any pain or any joy toward her. No emotion toward her, absolutely none, he said. When she got into a car crash, he said "I hope she survives but I don't care about the rest." I sometimes had dreams about her, and he said she is not worth even being discussed about, let alone my night dreams (nightmares rather).

Many times he said he never ever had a more successful relationship than the one with me. He said he never ever had a soul mate like me, and he never imagined that he could actually feel the way he was feeling with me.

We knew every second of our lives that we will be together all the time. We planned kids and everything else.

We did have conflicts because we are both quite stubborn. And pretty neurotic�, if I may say so. Sometimes I would get so nervous that I would say what if our characters are incompatible and we won't make it. But every day he said that we will go through everything together; I was the best gift life and God and destiny has ever given him and he will never ever let me go.

And then we had the first real difficulty. He was fired from his job and started looking for a new one. I was very very stressed and pessimistic because despite the fact that he is super smart, he also never finished university. And there is economic crisis still, too. People hardly find jobs but he was very confident. I asked him many times to forgive me that I am not handling the situation very well. He said, my love, the very fact you are with me is the best support I could ever imagine. He said, I would rather die than live without you anyway and we will go through everything. This let me somehow continue to be like I felt I was. He said he was fine and everything because he loved me more than life. And he never had a notion of ideal woman� in his mind but I was more than anything he ever dreamed about.

But he stopped telling me about his job search. And once I did something terrible. I sneaked into his email box. He found out about it. He called me liar, called it an EPIC FAIL; called me traitor etc etc. Esp. The fact that I didn't admit at first that I read his email.

In the evening we met and he explained he was breaking up with me. The emotional climate hasn't been so good he said, he counted all the bad things and good things we had, and even though he loved me more than anyone in the world, he is not determined for anything anymore. He doesn't want to be with me anymore. Our characteristic traits don't match.� He has been thinking about it for some time (even though one day before the break-up he said this ideal woman phrase). Even though in November we were on the choir trip in South Korea and we CRIED of happiness being with each other and saying there is no one more compatible for us. Ever.

I begged him to come back; wrote a very very nice and sincere letter apologizing for everything. He just said he was shaken but did not doubt his decision for a second.

Then I stopped contacting him and we haven't talked for two weeks.

This weekend their was a choir camp. He did not even look at me. He was (or seemed) super super happy and drank a lot. So much that people needed to carry him home one night. But he seemed very very happy and told everyone how she is strong for choosing not to quit the choir.

I cannot explain how I feel. He was the love of my life. I cannot understand that he is gone. I know I cannot force him to want me but I never ever wanted anything more. I feel so much guilty for what I have done. I haven't been able to find any strength for one month. I am going to psychologist but just keep crying and naming my mistakes there.

I cannot believe there is a chance I could have been a rebound relationship victim. He took me to his parents every single week (while she only saw them once). He said he was never so sure of what he wanted from life, like with me. I am so shocked. He is the love of my life. And he told me I was his.

How can I get him back?

[Camilliiie34]

Remember this, they always come back..
It may not hit him now, but if y'all had more good times than bad times.. he'll be back.
I'm thinking the only reason why he seemed very happy was because he was faking it.. just cause he knew you would see him..
But he'll be back, once he's done with all these games he's playing..
I'm not sure when that will be.. but from my experience, once you're starting to get back on your feet, and your finding some kin of happiness.. that's when they come back..
I know a month seems like forever.. and it's probably the hardest thing you're facing (I'm dealing with the same thiing :/ ) but it's going to get better in time, I promise..

[mmresd]

The main reason why men come back is because we get bored. Or maybe we need some confidence with someone that we had already conquered once. It doesn't matter though. Remember why he left, go no contact, and keep living your life as normal.

[talaniman]

Break ups suck, and when you get dumped, you have to get through the shock, hurt, and disappointment so the healing can begin, and you can rebuild yourself, and your life. I don't think you were a rebound, but I think he has reverted back to a bad path, after being hurt.

Now I don't know if he will come back, but I do know that seeing him every day at this choir practice will make it harder to get beyond your hurt and disappointment, especially if he is going back to what he did before. Despite his happy front, he is miserable, and he may recover himself, or he may not, but its you that must get healthy for yourself.

Its not easy, its very hard, but in time it will get better, after the emotional shock has worn down, and reality sets in. Until then, take good care of yourself. Sorry for your loss.

[kakadu]

I feel I was verbally abusive with my man. Always complaining, always in control; always making him unhappy for each emotion of mine. I even used physical abuse once. He forgave me then but was quite shaken. He was ultra sensitive too.

However, he did not say much about it. He said I was the love of my life and we will go through everything. He always said I was the best gift life has ever given to him. We were supposed to be together until the day we died.

I didn't know he was doing so bad. He probably didn't either. His moment was when I sneaked into his email account. He left me immediately, saying that he loved me more than anyone in the world but did not want to be with me anymore.

It's been a month. I tried to apologize but he said he didn't want it anymore.

I am so, so devastated.

Please, help me to get him back. He might not believe I can change but I am sure I can. I had never been happier in my life than with him. One day before breaking up he said he never ever had a picture of an ideal woman, but if there was one for him, I am much more than that. But now I moved out of our flat and he said he didn't doubt his decision for a second.

What can I do to get him back? Please... I already tried apologizing and writing letters listing my faults. I am 27, our relationship lasted about 1.5 years...

[berta146]

Well sounds like you need help try going to a counseling the way you treated him no wonder he left I would concentrait on sorting out your head and moving on try and find out why you felt you had to be in control that's a form of domestic abuse what you put him threw I would leave him to move on and get help to prevent future relationships from turning out the same way

[kakadu]

Well I did tell him as many good things every day. I always said he was the smartest, the most handsome and the most wonderful man on earth. It's not like I was always bad...

[slapshot_oi]

Reading your post ticked me off. You admit to being a terrible girlfriend, and yet, you're asking us how to get your boyfriend back because you're suffering. You couldn't be anymore selfish.

Wake up kakadu! When you treat people like dirt, they banish you! Learn from the choices you made, change your attitude and you'll actually be happy. Or, continue on this path and live in an isolated world of loneliness and despair.

well I did tell him as many good things every day. I always said he was the smartest, the most handsome and the most wonderful man on earth.

Actions speak louder than words. So hitting him didn't translate into "you're a wonderful, smart and charming man".

[berta146]

You could not have said it better slapshot I totally 100% agree kakadu you can't expect to treat someone like that then think because you have told him he is smart makes it OK you said yourself how controlling you were you should let him go if you really cared for this man let him live his life and get help for your behavior

[kakadu]

Don't you think people make mistakes and COULD be given a chance to correct them?

[berta146]

Yes but not without professional help why put him threw more to find out if you can do it or not its easy to say you will change but in the situation its never the case otherwise you would have done it when you were together knowing full well your actions towards him were wrong

[slapshot_oi]

don't you think people make mistakes and COULD be given a chance to correct them?

Actually, I do. But your situation doesn't fall into that category. You made repeated conscious, premeditated choices repeatedly; those were not innocent mistakes.

[odinn7]

I don't blame the guy. And really, mistakes? That was 1 1/2 years of mistakes which you could have taken the time to correct.

I think you should seek therapy to find out why you have acted like this and maybe if he sees you actually taking steps to do something about it, you may have a chance to get him back. Not likely but it is possible.

[mmresd]

Yes, you need to change those things. Change first, then you will meet someone else, keep busy, but stay away from him, you have hurt him enough. For the next relationship, it should go better if you have fixed the errors you made with this one.

[Jake2008]

The plus is, you were able to identify how you mistreated your boyfriend, throughout the relationship. The minus is, your boyfriend just went along with (likely) broken promises that you would change, and was willing to stay with you, and work through anything.

But, to me, it seems that without you making a concrete plan to change - i.e. therapy- what your boyfriend did by not following through with expectations and consequences, essentially gave you a green light to continue abusing him.

Both of you needed to be on the same path. He should have been clear that he simply won't take your bad behaviour anymore, and you should have been willing to do the hard work to get the relationship back to a healthy state- through the hard work of changing.

You may have been the abuser, but he was the enabler.

If he is unwilling to address that part, and accepting he needs to see that he actually contributed to the demise of the relationship, any changes you make now, on your own, will not repair anything. It is too late for that, now that the relationship is over.

My advise to you is to learn from your mistake. Get yourself into counselling, and work through issues you likely have with anger. Learn how to better manage your emotions, and learn most of all, how your behaviour contributed to the demise of the relationship with your boyfriend. Further, if you don't get a grip on your own behaviour, you can expect history to repeat itself.

[talaniman]

Editors Note. Your threads were merged together, to keep all the facts in the same place.