[twiggy63]

I have split from the man I love and having trouble getting him out of my system. He moved in after 3 years of dating and then changed into a possessive smothering then manipulating man. He was brought up in boarding school which I'm sure its why he is the way he is. I suggested help from a counselor but he says its all in my head and if he goes he wants me to go too, but I don't have the troubles he has. Do you think he can change as we no doubt still love and miss one another.

[talaniman]

With help he can change, but why don't you go to help him. Call his bluff.

[berta146]

I was in a relationship like that but I thought it was because he used to be in the army it's a hard situation to be in they can make you feel you're the one in the wrong and make you dout yourself if counceling is a option then going with him for support is a good idea I found in my situation over time he became violent and I had no option but to leave but I think counseling may be your only option and might help it can take a while for him to realise his behavior is not normal but he can only change if he is willing to and willing to accept the help available if he won't go alone going together is a good idea to help build his confidence good luck

[mmresd]

Definitely take him to see someone, those issues are not to be taking lightly... first is possesive, then smothering, do you think it will stop at manipulating? What if it turns into verbally abusive, and then maybe even into physically? Get him counseling before this gets worse. Before this other stuff starts happening and he still believes that it is all in YOUR head.

[twiggy63]

thanks to you all for your answers... I have been to my own counsellor not long after we first split up,he said there is a red warning sign flying and that my man showed signs of controlling behaviour and if he is in denial of this I can't help him really... its like making an alcoholic go he said... its so sad and makes me angry as we were so happy before he moved in with me for 3 yrs,suddenly once he moved in he admits he tried to take over and change things in my home,once he realised I wasn't ready to change everything straight away he turned possesive on me and smothering,he had no reason to ever not trust me etc but thought we should spend every bit of free time together,go to bed same time,etc etc... I don't think this is healthy,so I addressed it and after 10 months of living together I asked him to move back out as I can not cope the way he is,I felt like I lost some of my identity,he can be very opinionated and make me feel it was all me that was wrong or didn't understand him... which I didn't... we have been apart 3 months and are still in touch but that is getting less,in between nov and now we met up tried to talk things over but still he said he's not possesive he is just wanting to be with the woman he loves and uses values and scales a lot,I have since read this is from boarding school days too... some of our talks led him to shout,get quite angry and leave in a rush and slam doors etc,he now says he was under extreme pressure from the break up, having to find another place to live,and pressure from work,he is a police officer... and the way he was was not the real him... I am torn as I do miss him very very much,but I am not sure he will change with or without help,how can he... he is 45 this year and surely its engrained in him now... im not sure I want to take that risk again if he went back to his old ways,I just want to try get him out of my system,what we had was very special but not sure it would ever be the same... when we first broke up in November he after about 3 weeks accompanied a female we both know to a wedding do,he said they had one proper kiss on the dance floor and texts for about 2 weeks but it was only because he was at the lowest he has ever felt and he thought we were over,I'm also struggling to get over the kiss etc as we have never ever in 18yrs of knowing one another had to doubt one another in that way... I seem to be answering my own question really,if in doubt,ge tout but so hard when you love someone so much as there is a great guy underneath those scars from boarding school days... we have known one another 18yrs,but only been together 4yrs or would have been...