[sraine]

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I have 2 kids, a 16 year old boy and a 14 year old daughter and he has an 18 year old daughter. We started the marriage pretty well - everyone was excited and got along as well as could be expected. However, as time went on it became very clear that my husband treated his daughter vastly different than my kids. His daughter is now a freshman in college and gets very good grades, however socially she struggles. She's very quiet quiet and has always gotten everything she wants. My kids are the opposite - they struggle with grades, however socially they do quite well. My husband is very hard on my kids and insists that I don't punish them the way I should and they treat me with disrespect. I honestly don't see it and it has become a major issue for us. My husband has another job that he works evenings and we don't see each other much, but when we do it's constant conflict and compaining about my kids. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Any suggestions?

[CaptainForest]

Let me ask you this sraine.

Have you ever complained to him about him giving his daughter everything she wants?

If yes, then its tit for tat.

If not, then tell him to stop it. Tell him what you think of HIS parenting style. See how he likes it.

And it sounds like you disapprove of his parenting style over his daughter, so why not say things to him about that?

[Kstar4u]

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I have 2 kids, a 16 year old boy and a 14 year old daughter and he has an 18 year old daughter. We started out the marriage pretty well - everyone was excited and got along as well as could be expected. However, as time went on it became very clear that my husband treated his daughter vastly different than my kids. His daughter is now a freshman in college and gets very good grades, however socially she struggles. She's very quiet quiet and has always gotten everything she wants. My kids are the opposite - they struggle with grades, however socially they do quite well. My husband is very hard on my kids and insists that I don't punish them the way I should and they treat me with disrespect. I honestly don't see it and it has become a major issue for us. My husband has another job that he works evenings and we don't see each other much, but when we do it's constant conflict and compaining about my kids. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Any suggestions??

Oh Boy!! You are not alone. Almost everyone I know that has step kids goes through the same thing. I married my "EX-Wife" and I have four and she has four. My four live with my 1st Ex-Wife. Her four have gone from polite and respectful (the first year or so) to "testing the boundaries of parental respect" (the second and third year) to downright disrespect and delinquency, run-ins with the law, treating their parents, teachers and other adults with a level of disrespect that it's taken every fiber of my being to keep from knocking them out. My parents would've knocked ME out!! I feel for you two.

I believe that the fundamental cause of our divorce was our disagreement with regard to raising the kids. My philosophy is this: "SAY what you mean and MEAN what you say." If she were to tell one of them that they were "grounded for a week", she should be prepared to make it stick (even if it meant an inconvenience for her or us... Ya' gotta' be ready to enforce your penalty). Kids are born with the ability to manipulate. She would get so tired of there whining and making her life miserable that she'd give in after a day and send 'em out to play. I don't think it really takes that much "maintenance and effort" after the kids realize that THEY ARE GOING TO DO THE TIME IF THEY DO THE CRIME. It's hard at first and it seems like life for us parents is going to suck, but Kidsneed structure and boundaries... they need to know how far they can push before the get "shut-down". My Ex and I couldn't agree... A consistent plan by you and your husband is crucial (and it may be crucial for your marriage, too). If you two can agree on backing each other up... not changing each other's mind by arguing in front of the kids (they'll use that, too) and develop that "follow-through" with your punishment, you will probably save your children a lot of future suffering (not to mention yours too)

Good luck... Let me know how things go. We couldn't do it... I hope you can.

Oh,yeah... does your husband hear "You're not my dad!" I hated that but I was.

[sraine]

Thanks! Actually I had decided last night that I'm a large part of the problem. I get up at 6:00 a.m. have an hour commute into work, leave at 5:00 p.m. and return home at 6:00 p.m. Then, I need to make dinner, check homework, workout if there's anytime left, and am thoroughly exhausted by the end of the week. It's very easy for me to set punishments that I too easily let the kids slide from simply because I'm tired. Yes, it's laziness on my part. My husband really is a good man and I want this to work out.

I got a note from my sons' teacher yesterday afternoon that he had missed 3 algebra assignments when he was out of school 2 days for an Honor's band at a university. I told him he was grounded which means no use of the car except for work, no going out, turning over his cell phone to me at 8:00 p.m. etc. The only way out for him is to have his teacher contact me that he had turned in the assignments and they were accepted. Of course, this morning he got up and fiddled around until he missed the bus, leaving me with no alternative except to let him drive. I had all the good intentions in the world, and he still found a way to undermine me. This is VERY typical at my house!! Not sure what to do now!

[CaptainForest]

You have him take the bus or walk to school.

And if he is late for school, that is his own fault for missing the school bus.

He does NOT get the car. You must be firm and hold your ground, no matter what.

[Kstar4u]

I think that kids are pretty resourceful when it comes to getting what they want. I have no idea how far your son's school is from home but having to walk can be a healthy motivation for catching the bus. By the way... whose car is it? If I could've gotten away with getting the car when I missed my ride, I sure would've been missing a lot of rides. I certainly don't want to sound like I'm telling you how to raise your kids but the lesson your son learns from experiences like getting the car by missing the bus won't serve him well later on.

Every action has a consequence. That applies to ALL of us. You may be teaching him that the consequence of not being ready on-time is that he can benefit from using the car. Conversely, the way to get the car is to use your sense of responsibility against you to make sure that he gets to where he's supposed to be.

I believe that good parents can expect to be resented by their kids, every now and then, but will be rewarded by those same children later in life, when they become parents themselves.

Hang in there (for their sake!)

[sraine]

Well, I stuck to my guns and he didn't use the car at all this past weekend. Also, I told him that if he missed the bus 'accidently' (we're too far for him to walk), the punishment would be a chore of my choice that night, and it would be one that he REALLY wouldn't like to do. e.g. cleaning the bath tub with a toothbrush, scrubbing out kitty litter box, etc. This has gone surprisingly well, and my husband has been great. Thanks for all the advice, sometimes it helps to hear it from an outside source!

[sassypea]

Eh, sometimes too far to walk isn't really that far. 2 miles, 3 mile, 10 miles... oh well, guess he'll be late for school. Or he can walk to public transportation and catch the bus or he can wait for the next bus (if it's not the school bus, of course). Or he can call a friend to pick him up.

But the chore idea is good too! Glad it's lit a spark in him to behave.