[justmeasking]

I have been with a man for about two years now, and generally, he is very kind, sensitive and giving. He is divorced and has two teenagers. I am also divorced and have two grade school children. Due to his past relationship problems, he was very hesitant about getting into another relationship. We have gone back and forth many times, calling ourselves "friends", even though we continued to be intimate as well as live together at some points.

My main problem is, even if we are "friends", he seems to find fault in much of what I do. I realize that I am far from perfect and my life is not what others may call successful, but he points out my faults and mistakes whenever he is frustrated in a way that makes me feel lower than dirt. He also seems to change his story much of the time. For example, he had planned to fly me and his children to visit him a state away over the holidays. The problem was that he would not get paid until the 30th of the month, and would have to buy plane fare that day for flying the same day. His kids would only be able to stay two days before returning to school. It was causing a lot of stress for his kids and him, and I wanted to help. I asked my roommate if she wanted to drive (a twelve hour trip) with me and them. She had met them before and was fond of them. She liked the idea, and we went, allowing for more time (five days) for his kids to be with him. He reimbursed my roommate for gas (200 dollars) and it was quite a savings over the probably 800 he would have had to spend on airfare. He seemed grateful.

But after they left, and I remained with him (as per planned) he and I got into an argument and he said that I didn't do him any favors, that I brought an annoyance with me (my roommate), and that he would have done it fine on his own. In addition, he stated that I did not respect his wishes, and that I was an unwelcome guest. The thing is, we had talked about me staying longer, and he had even sent me job links for opportunities near where he lived.

It is like jekyl and hyde. One day he is funny, sweet, affectionate, respectful and calm, other days he is judgmental, critical, angry and cruel. I love him dearly, he is my best friend. But every time I try to explain my feelings, he gets defensive and brings up all the ways he IS kind, and how I am ungrateful. We have taken a lot of "breaks", always resulting the same way... We miss each other, we want to be together, etc. But as soon as we are back, the cycle continues. Any advice?

[talaniman]

I think you both have a good preview of what the other is like, and now you must identify how you best work together, or make a decision its not worth it any more.

I think its time to make your approach a bit more focused on HOW you solve disputes, and set some boundaries on how far to go with the emotional/personal attacks on each other. Already a pattern of explosion, back off and go at it again calmer though is emerging, and its clear if this is worth it, during calmer moments, you set some rules you both can agree on.

Two years is barely past the honeymoon, and as an experienced couple, you should already be starting the very honest communications that's required, but in nicer tones. As you say you are no more perfect than he is, so pay attention and deal with those "triggers" that set you both off.

To be honest though, you both need some patience as you are still in the very early stages of getting to know each other and judge if this relationship is for the long hall, or a comfort zone for you both. I mean how can best friends work together unless the a goal is committed to.

Where are you two going here? I know where you want to go, but I seriously doubt he is on the same page. I imagine he is content, as is! The mark of good couples to me, are how well the work together through adversity, and the not so pleasant parts of each others personality.

My advice for now, is under the circumstances, be the best friend, and less of the Friends With Benefits. You will probably get more talking and listening done without the lustful glow that inspires intense feelings. YOU will be more objective about facts you are seeing, and make better decisions on how to proceed.

Arguments are great for couple to vent, avoid building resentments, and clear a path for future disussion, when they stay within the boundaries of good orderly direction. Time wll teach you how if both are willing to grow, and learn, and adjust. Love does have to grow, after all and needs nurturing space to do it.

[MsJirel]

Go to this page and decide what to do.
http://jirel.hubpages.com/hub/The-exact-feeling-when-you-are-in-love

If you still want him and he wants you, I think both of you should stop being judgemental.He should know it too.