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ashdorkette · Jan 20, 2012, 11:29 AM

Hi, everyone. Question: Why did my ex end this friendship out of nowhere? He dumped me on December 13th (during finals.. ), stating that he lost his feelings for me. When asked why, he later told me he didn't know, but I "pried" into his life about school and such (I never did, it was just general small talk [Do you have any projects? How are classes? Etc]). We'd lost our virginities together, and to my surprise, I was okay with the breakup as the relationship was getting a little rocky (he was distant, constantly critical about my appearance [even though I consider myself attractive, I'm not a diva], and the fun just died).

I went no contact for two weeks, and just after Christmas I broke it. I was mostly over the relationship (I thought) and missed him as a friend. Some background: He's 19, I'm 20. Our lifestyles are pretty different. He used to have a problem with weed, but broke off from the party scene; I've never been interested in partying. He only has one or two close friends and is reserved, but lately he's been apathetic about them, too (one has a friend in the hospital from a stroke - all my ex wants is for him to shut up when he talks about him). I'm ambitious, while he doesn't have a job or license, spends most of his time playing video games or watching movies alone, and is in college, but does the bare minimum just so he doesn't flunk. He's talked and been interested in me for years on and off, but we only started dating over the summer (4 month relationship). We talked a lot before then and became best friends.

Back to now: After we broke no contact, he talked to me CONSTANTLY, initiating most texts, responding more quickly than when we dated, and playing on XBOX online with me for 4-5 hours at a time, insisting on talking using headsets. Sometimes he flirted, sometimes he was cold. We talked for about a week and a half. One day about two weeks ago, we were talking about a class his best friend (the one with the ill friend) took and if he tried in it, and all of a sudden he just stopped talking to me in the middle of the conversation (he initiated that day). I sent him a text that night and two the next day asking if he was angry or what was going on because this was uncharacteristic. I left him alone for a week, then called him. No answer. He then responded to an XBOX message I sent earlier asking if he was ignoring me. He said he wasn't avoiding me, he just "lost his will" to talk to me, and it just "died" like the relationship.. . But it didn't, at all, unless men work like light switches. He just left me hanging to freak out and shut off. I replied angrily asking if his desire to talk really just vanished? And that he should have said a week ago that I'm not worth it to give me the closure of letting me know he didn't want to be friends. He replied "that pretty much sums it up."

I sent him a Facebook message a week later apologizing for going off on him and explained the texts about his friend in case he misunderstood. I told him how I felt about his apathy toward everything now and that I wouldn't contact him until he talked to me, but that without closure or resolution, time will wear out MY will to talk to him if he changes his mind in the future. After that, he never replied, started going invisible on XBOX, but started liking his friend's Facebook statuses regarding his sick friend. It seems like he both cares and doesn't give a flying ***** about what I think. Confusing situation. I'm devastated more by the friendship ending than anything, but now that he's gone, it's ALL flooding back, and I'm doing worse than just after the breakup. I'd love a guy's perspective on what might be going through my ex's mind, because I'm sure I didn't do anything wrong. And how do you forget someone you got this close to so quickly? Sorry for the length!

Fr_Chuck · Jan 20, 2012, 11:32 AM

Guys move on often must faster since often they let hormones drive them toward the next adventure.

And normally things are no "out of no where" but we are trying hard so often not to see those things happening.

Don't expect closure, don't expect a reason, just accept and move on

ashdorkette · Jan 20, 2012, 11:50 AM

I figure he is over the relationship... But one second he was really into talking, even more than when we dated, and then suddenly threw me to the curb without an explanation. He knew we were just friends and that I didn't want to get back together (I mentioned maybe dating down the line when we first started talking). Surely that isn't just the average moving on for a guy? I'm not sure he'd have been so overly enthusiastic or consistent about talking if he wasn't into it. He's been acting weird (like I said about him feeling apathetic toward his friends) and I feel like something else is up, just no idea what would make him hot and cold like this.

And it's so easy to tell someone to just accept it and move on. Much harder to do, haha.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 20, 2012, 11:54 AM

Guys ( and gals too) often come back to the other person if they find their lonely or start "remembering" the good times.

And no he did not know you were just friends and most likely figured you would change your mind ( and of course guys will think you could never resit them either)

But yes he is actually sounding fairly average in the break up, ( when they try that we will still be friends thing(

ashdorkette · Jan 20, 2012, 12:13 PM

Do you think it sounds like he started to have feelings for me again and just didn't want to? I remember once making a comment that I was going to cut my hair, and he started begging me not to like it was personal. When I told him I had no one I wanted to impress, he stumbled to find words. The friendship didn't just fade away like he didn't really want to talk or was tired of trying to win me back, though.. he cut me off cold turkey after talking to me nonstop. Doesn't add up to me; why would he do this so suddenly? And he knew that I liked him (I told him I wouldn't mind dating or hanging out in the future), I just didn't want to jump back into a relationship. I did tell him we were just friends when we started talking, unless he didn't want to believe me.

talaniman · Jan 20, 2012, 04:58 PM

His actions, and words may be confusing, but apparently he found other things to do that where better than trying to maintain a distant relationship, or a friendship. No doubt he had feelings, not as solid as yours, not even in friendship, but you should have paid attention when he was beginning to be apathetic toward his old friends, and then you. He found other things of interest.

No, he may not give you closure, he may not even know why, or understand his own thoughts, feelings, or actions right now, and you cannot control that. BUT you can control yourself, your actions, and can accept the change in the situation, and gain your own closure, over time, through making a few adjustments for yourself.

Meanwhile, leave him alone. That's NOT easy, but the best thing to do, for yourself. Expect NOTHING from him, no matter how bad you want it!