[CCVA4]

My daughter is 9 years old and has always believed that my husband is her dad. However, we married when she was 3, and he has not adopted her, so her last name is not the same as ours legally. Some questions have arisen from her, and I have a feeling she may have some idea... Her bio-father was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive, and I was able to escape when she was 2.

Since I left, he has had no contact with her or me since then, and I don't want him to. I know he has been on drugs and in prison since I have left and is a terrible person. I definitely don't want her to be around him.

Anyway, back to the original question--how do I go about telling her? I don't want to hurt her or make her feel as though she wasn't loved or whatever may come up. Also, at this time, I'm not sure what is going on between my husband and me, i.e. divorce? He is mentally abusive to me as well and neglectful of me. She sees this and knows that it's wrong. However, if we are in the process of getting a divorce (which I don't know because he will not talk to me about anything), would now be a good time to tell her? Will this put her through another traumatic experience?

I just want to do what is best for my daughter and keep her safe. Since I have a feeling she knows, should I just move forward with telling her? Please help! Any advice is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

P.S. She also has a little brother from my husband and myself who has a disability. Will this play a factor in my telling her that her "dad" is not her bio "dad"? Jealousy? Hurt? Anger? HELP!

[talaniman]

I think the key is being honest in an age appropriate way. Too much info makes it complicated, and confusing, but young people have an amazing gift in knowing when things are not right and adults have to split. AND when you lie to them. I don't know if your 9 year old is ready for the whole truth, at least not all at once, that's something only you can know from her questions, but don't lie.

For now, I would just answer her questions, and that may be enough, not to stop the questions, but to satisfy her until the next question. For NOW!

[supermotherof2]

I am in a very similar position. I fell pregnant during one of our breakups (before we got married) and when I told him I was pregnant, he knew instantly that it was never his. However, we talked about it once and he said he would take responsibility for the baby and love it as his own. When my beautiful girl was born, I asked him whether I should add his name on her birth certificate and he agreed. After years of a disastrous marriage, I decided to leave him last summer and now filing for divorce. He has now suddenly decided he wants to take no responsibility of my daughter and says I must stop being a hypocrite and tell the truth. I know he's right but I don't want to hurt my baby. I know she deserves some truth but I DO NOT want this to affect her for the rest of her life. Her own biological father made it clear he did not want the baby and actually tried to persuade me to terminate the pregnancy. My baby is a blessing and one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me... and she's growing into a perfect young lady. What do I do, I feel completely lost.

[jenniepepsi]

My daughter is almost nine. And has known for some time, that her father wasn't ready to be a dad for her (or her half brother and half sister) and that her step daddy loves her more than anyone else in the world.