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indya · Jan 9, 2012, 01:52 AM

We've been together for more than a year now... He never said "I love you", no tags for me, I was never introduced as his girlfriend. I only continued because he was ever so nice and loving, he use to forget himself to solve my problems, has even gone out of his way to help me. We were very much a couple, we just did not call ourselves girlfriend and boyfriend. All his friends use to tease him about me and all...

Now out of the blue, when I least expected it, he proposed me for marriage, I did not answer instantly, but asked him a few questions about how sure he was and all that, he said he had made up his mind and was not going to change it.

I finally said yes, looking at his sincerity.

Now I am feeling weird... Its not that I don't want to marry him, its just that I am not ready... Specially after a year with him of no commitments.

tickle · Jan 9, 2012, 04:30 AM

He has just made a commitment, the biggest one he will ever make. He may not have said 'I love you' but from your explanation of how he has treated you, it seems to me that he cares deeply.

Have you ever told him you love him? If not, then try it and see what happens. Some men have to have lots of prompts.

indya · Jan 9, 2012, 04:45 AM

Thanks tickle,
I am just so nervous and really do not know what to do... I hope I don't turn cold feet after saying yes. He's quiet a family guy and is now going to inform his parents about us...

I truly still cannot believe he wants to get married, and I am a bit scared too by the prospect...

tickle · Jan 9, 2012, 05:10 AM

Cold feet are not unusual in this situation, Indya. You two have a lot of communicating to do and getting married is not going to happen instantly. My suggestion is TALK to him. You two will probably talk more seriously now then you ever did before because now there is something at stake, a complete and happy life together. Left him tell his parents, go through all fhe motions until you are comfortable with the idea.

talaniman · Jan 9, 2012, 12:18 PM

If you need all those verbal acknowledgments and official titles then you should tell him what you need. Not fair to expect him to read your mind, especially since his action speak better than words I think.

A year without expressing your own thoughts? Seems you are bad as he is. Speak now, or hold your peace.

pandead · Jan 9, 2012, 12:50 PM

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

Nicely put, tal. I agree 100% - if you aren't going to change your mind, it means you will share the rest of your life with him (at least try to) and you have to be open about everything. Tell him what is bothering you, be calm and express your feelings about never really being his "official girlfriend" now that you will be his "wife."

And remember, you don't have to marry the guy right away just because you said yes. You have plenty of time after the engagement to get to know each other and make up your mind, if necessary. Everyone feels nervous at that stage, it means you take things seriously. Good luck.

indya · Jan 9, 2012, 09:38 PM

talaniman, he said, not to ever call him "dear" or "boyfriend" and such... In fact, one month into the relation he took me out to coffee and just plainly and bluntly told me, that I hope you are not considering me as your boyfriend k, because m not...

Heck, even our dates he termed as 'meetings', and now all of a sudden he wants me as his bride?? Commitments of any sort use to scare him, so I stopped expecting anything, and even stopped showing him what I really wanted.

I even said "I love you" to him, and all I got was a smile, when I straight away asked wby he did not reply, he said he will when he feels the same way...

tickle · Jan 10, 2012, 05:03 AM

Indya, is your b/f from a different ethnic background then you? Yes. I see your point now, after your last explanation I would even wonder why he wants a g/f, let alone wife!

indya · Jan 10, 2012, 05:27 AM

I mean... after I said yes... that was in the morning, we were later talking on different aspects in the evening the same day...

I asked him, again, that was he really sure... his reply really shocked me. He said he had come to this decision to marry me, because his heart, mind and practicality agreed to it.

I was shocked. Practical? To marry me?

talaniman · Jan 10, 2012, 09:11 AM

You have a communications problem, as well as you went along with this program, and seem to accept it, and his proposal. I highly suggest to ask questions, and if the answers are not clear, ask more until they are.

That's how honest communications work. Never assume when you can ask, and don't go along with his program until you have asked, and gotten clarity.

Express yourself!

indya · Jan 13, 2012, 05:35 AM

Ok!

We did have talks, I am asking questions, straight ones, not getting straight answers though, not all the time...

tickle · Jan 13, 2012, 06:00 AM

Originally Posted by indya

Ok!

We did have talks, I am asking questions, straight ones, not getting straight answers though, not all the time...

As long as you are happy with what's being Answered?? I wouldn't be because with all you have explained, and you would not have come here asking if you had not seen red flags, he seems unusual and that would not be my piece of cake. If he is like this now, how will he be after you are married?

How old is he Indya? And what nationality is he? Maybe these answers will give me some clarity and understanding of your hesitation, which now seems justified. I guess we are not finished yet, and you are back so feel you are still skeptical?

talaniman · Jan 13, 2012, 06:01 AM

Maybe you should tell him you want straight answers, or know the reason why.

indya · Jan 16, 2012, 01:27 AM

I am 24, he is 27. He comes from a conservative catholic family.

One of the questions I had asked him was why doesn't he talk much, he said, he generally doesn't talk at all, in fact I am one of the few with whom he talks so much...

Certain questions he did not answer, preferring to say that we will see what happens in future and I am there with you.

I am skeptical and indecisive because I as mentioned before we had a no-commitments kind of a relationship. Which I had accepted though a rather grudgingly because I really liked him deeply, there were these qualities in him like caring for me very dearly and taking up my issues as his own.

But I was in no way prepared for him to jump directly to marriage, when in the first place he had been so reluctant even to commit to a relationship...

talaniman · Jan 16, 2012, 03:36 PM

His actions say commitment even though he is against titles. The challenge is expressing your own concerns, wants, and needs, and not just go blindly along with his program.

That has sent the signal you are okay with his behavior.

indya · Jan 18, 2012, 09:40 PM

We took a break from each other...

Actually I asked for a break.

tickle · Jan 22, 2012, 07:39 AM

Originally Posted by indya

We took a break from each other...

Actually I asked for a break.

I think that is a wise decision. This way the two of you can decide independent of each other, how this is going to play out.

indya · Jan 23, 2012, 12:57 AM

Thank you tickle,talaniman for all your help :)

indya · Mar 6, 2012, 02:50 AM

Guess what? He 'broke up' with me because his mother didn't approve our relationship and marriage!

I truly want to thank all here who helped me get out of this nonsense, if I hadn't taken the needed break, this news would have surely come as a heartbreaking event.

I am glad I asked here and got a really good view of what actually was going on.

tickle · Mar 6, 2012, 04:30 AM

Well, I think you are glad that is put to rest. And, WOW ! He followed his mother's advice. I can see the writing on the wall here, Indya. You are well away from her controlling influence!