[HorrorQueen]

Hello to all,

Some months ago I joined this site to ask for help with my relationship, and gained some invaluable advice from the answers I received, so I'm here again to ask for more of your help.

A little background;
I am a 22 year old woman in a relationship with another woman. We have been together for 7 years, we met at school and for the first 6 years we had an amazing relationship, truly I don't think either of us could have been happier. Then at around the 6 year mark, my girlfriend became ill. She had severe anxiety/depression issues and was on medication and having counselling. I supported her through all of this and thankfully she slowly recovered. She still suffers minor anxiety, but is no longer on medication. As she began to recover, she started socialising more and growing closer to people at work. I didn't handle this well at all, and became very jealous of the time she was spending with these other people (this was the main gist of my original question here). We argued for months and it began a very hard time for us, I didn't trust her completely and she was feeling very pinned down and smothered by me. We nearly split up, but we persevered and I put my all into trusting her and overcoming my jealousy. We don't live together at the moment, but it was something we were considering before our troubles started.

As we began to get over the problems we had, her Grandma, to whom she is very very close, was diagnosed with cancer. She began treatment in April of this year, and was really ill, so naturally my partner was spending all of her time either at the hospital or if her Grandma was at home, she was there. This meant that we had very little time together all of a sudden. Before this, even when we were having a tough time, she would stay with me or I with her usually 5/6 nights a week, we would go out together, have meals, the usual couples things.

She originally was trying to find time for us in the middle of looking after her Grandma, so would come to see me (never staying with me) once or twice a week for a couple of hours, and would call me and text me throughout the day, and always speak to me last thing at night. Over the months, however, even this small contact has become less and less. She began to cancel any plans we had made, and kept saying she was too tired to meet, and even too tired to call on a lot of the nights. It went down to seeing her sometimes once a week, sometimes once a fortnight. All throughout I have tried my best to support her any way I can, but the options become quite limited when you can't physically see somebody and only rarely even speak to them.

It was our 7th anniversary 3 weeks ago. She didn't call at all on the day, and didn't see me either. I told her I was upset with this, she did apologise and said that she was very tired, and also having a tough time at work. I said I understood, but I am becoming increasingly disillusioned with our relationship. I guess I still don't trust her 100%, and I miss her so much it is hard even to put into words. Most times I try to plan to see her, she cancels or just dismisses the plan outright, and I'm finding it very hard to see the point in even trying to communicate anymore. I know it must be so awful for her right now, but I feel entirely abandoned by her, and am starting to feel that she doesn't care about me at all.

I still love her and am in love with her, and I don't want to lose her, but the feelings of loneliness and abandonment, and sometimes anger that she refuses to see me, are starting to take over the happier feelings I once had. She has planned to see me tomorrow, although I am doubtful that the meeting will actually take place, and I just don't know what to do. I am wondering if it is all worth it anymore, and worrying that I am not being a good enough girlfriend at the same time.

I suppose my question is; do you, an impartial observer, feel that our relationship can survive and continue to exist when we just don't spend any time together? I love her but I feel so so down at the moment, and I can't
Work out whether there is any point in us being together anymore.

Thank you for reading this and I will really appreciate any comments anybody can give me.

Thank you,
Beth

[talaniman]

I understand the frustration, but seeing this through the filter of your own feelings only distracts you from the facts of what she must be dealing with, and stops you from understanding and being supportive in what has to be a time of need.

As long as its about your feeling, then there is no room for hers. Know this, and cope with your own feelings and don't make this just about YOU. Its not. Yes we can wish things were better, and we felt better, but for a minute, get out of self, and put yourself in her shoes, and figure what you would want your partner to do if it were you, trying to balance care of a loved one, work and a relationship.

In this way you can figure out a plan to cope with the situation, based on facts, and NOT just your feelings.

We humans have a habit of judging the world through how we feel, and that may not be an accurate picture. I think you are in a better position to make yourself happy than she is as she doesn't have the options that you do. I would imagine she would need a lot of positive support right now, but has little if anything to give in return. Yes its sad, and a tough situation, but being selfish, and full of self pity is helping no one.

Get yourself under control, and the situation can be dealt with.