[gabriela__89]

Bare with me, this is a long background story, tl;dr long, but, I think it is important for me to share it with you in order to better assess my question.

I was in a relationship with a guy called "Nate" he was sweet and gentle enough in the beginning, always there when I needed a friend. We started going out, even though I barely knew him [barely, that is, by my standards] and we hit it off. The relationship was stable enough in the beginning, though things got pretty rocky, pretty fast. I wouldn't necessarily call the relationship verbally abusive all the time, though I have been told otherwise. Whenever we would get into an argument he would call at all hours, a couple of times including calls from 3am - 5am, which would wake up my entire family; he could go on and insult my family, me as well, and a few times even demanded me to watch as he attempted to commit suicide. We were together for two years before any change occurred. At the end, you could say that my heart wasn't even in it -- the insults or nasty arguments didn't hurt me any more, I didn't trust anyone well-enough to tell them what was going on, except for my long-time friend, "James." I attempted to end it on several occasions, but "Nate" would refuse every time, saying that the break up would only occur when both of us agreed it was time for it to end. The breaking point came after we went out of town together with a couple of friends, we got into an argument that quickly escalated. During the argument, while our friends still in the room, he threw a pair of hard-plastic goggles at me; after our friends stepped out, he choked me momentarily -- it was and still is a blur, so I don't remember if he slapped me as well or if it was me who slapped him -- security was called. I gathered my things and left for my apartment. The next week or so, during my university's finals, we still hung out -- though I was a bit weary of him -- and he acted like nothing had happened. Finals ended and I traveled back home [we were living cities apart]. After I arrived I just didn't feel the same -- I cared for him, yes, but I will admit that I wasn't in-love with him. Eventually we got into another argument, an extremely big one, that drifted unto five in the morning -- my father got involved this time and taking the phone told him to never call the house again -- which he didn't. We kept contact, however, me wanting to break it off cleanly -- I didn't want to be one of those people with bad relationships. I tried breaking it off nicely, he refused saying that he didn't know how to break it to his parents and, instead, we decided to call it a break for a couple of years -- we were allowed to date other people [this included serious relationships], we would remain friends, and if, years later, we had changed for the better and still wanted to give the relationship a try we would. And while I refused to say that I loved him, "Nate" would sign-off with an 'I love you.' It was around this time that my long time friend, "James", that had been with me and supported me throughout the whole process asked me out on a date. I accepted. Those dates became more constant, we eventually started going out. Before I knew it, I had fallen for my friend harder than I thought I ever could. For months he asked me if we could make it public, that is, change our status on Facebook [funny how our society revolves around it now] for a while, I had circled around the question; I didn't know how "Nate" would react, and "James" didn't know about how "Nate" and I were calling our break-up a prolonged "break."
A few weeks later, I changed my status "********* and James are now in a relationship", I kid you not when I say, not even a second later I get a message that says, if I remember right, 'You change that status right now -- you are NOT supposed to be in a relationship.' I didn't have to check to know it was "Nate" who had sent that message. I told him that I wasn't going to change it, that I was with "James" now, and that I was happy. We argued, going back and forth on whether we were on a break or if it was a break-up [like I had said all along] and how I needed to change the status ASAP because I was going to get back together with him. When I refused and told him that I didn't love him anymore, that I was in love with James, he swore that he was going to message him, that he was going to make him break up with me, regardless. Before I knew it, the calls had resumed, this time on my cell phone, me and James were receiving multiple daily messages of Nate as well as other "people" using his account, telling us to break up, that we were horrible, and once, that he was going to come down and "beat the living s**t" out of James. He even told me that his demands were easy, that we were going to get back together, that I was going to change what my standards of him "growing-up" meant, that I was not going to get a restraining order, and that everything was going to go back to how it was. I deleted Facebook, so did James, and we haven't reactivated it since. I had to deactivate my cell phone as well, since the calls would not stop. When I went to finally delete him from msn and close it all-together, he contacted me once more, saying that it was the last time he was going to be this "nice," I blocked and deleted him. Aside from the occasional e-mail I never read, I didn't know what had happened to him. I simply took it as he eventually got tired-out and he forgot about me.

Life went on, me and James have been happily going out for two years and even have become engaged. Today I stumbled across an old website we both frequented and I saw him there. I was curious to know how he had been, never been one to keep grudges, and clicked on his profile. This is the line that just made me feel horrible, "If I had the opportunity to live one year of my life over again, I would choose that which I had two years ago..." Now, by no means do I want or even considered going back to him, but I can't help and wonder if I was a horrible person for doing that to him. I mean, should I have been firm and called it a break-up regardless of what he said? Did I give him false hope in not calling it a break-up? Am I a horrible person for how I treated him in the end?

[joypulv]

Please understand that we aren't there and that a step by step 'diary' of this sort can be quite tedious to read. Try to summarize instead.

One sentence that caught my attention, however, was about him demanding that you watch while he tried to kill himself, and a few times? Yikes (just how anyway?). Suicidal feelings need support and care, suicidal actions need calling for help, demanding you watch means you need to break up right then and there. You glossed over that like it was tying your shoes.
Then it seems you have a hard time breaking up with someone, under the guise of wanting to remain friends. Not everyone can remain friends, and it IS torture to keep in contact. So I do think you were overdoing that to some extent.
I'm not sure what's going on with you. You aren't doing Nate any favors, and I can't tell if you subconsciously are attracted to his desperate need for you, or if you miss him, or have to see what's happening with him, or what. That's something only you know, by looking within yourself.

[Jolter]

In my opinion you are not at all a horrible person. You were in an abusive relationship that ended on a bad note, and you did the right thing in leaving him. Yes, you could've been a bit more stern and called it an actual break-up at first instead of a break, but you did what you thought was right. You should have no regrets, and his own regrets is his punishment for treating you in such a way.