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Hotrob · Feb 12, 2007, 01:22 PM

I am thinking about divorcing my handicapped wife.We have been married for 20 years.She became paralyzed 17 years ago.She is in a wheelchair.We have 1 son.She no longer desires sex,so I constantly crave it. She has a job,but cannot be self sufficient.We have been to counseling,but no feelings are there anymore.She knows I will never let her fail,I will always be there if she needs. How bad will I take it in the bank,if I go through with this? So I guess the biggest question is whether I still love her enough to make tis work? Well that's very hard.I have given up a lot of my life to have to live like this.She did have the opportunity to walk at one time,but gave up. That has taken a lot of wind out of my sails.I'm not sure if I want to live the rest of my life as a care taker?

shygrneyzs · Feb 12, 2007, 02:03 PM

So is this really two issues with you - the loveless marriage or your wife's handicap? I actually could understand both - my youngest son has several disabilties. But you need to figure out if you want the divorce so that you can be out of a marriage that has no love left. Are you staying because your wife has a disability? You say she has a job but could not sustain herself on her income. Is she eligible for SSDI? If she were on her own, she may qualify for benefits she cannot qualify for now. I am not advocating this but telling you as an option. She could get into housing that is adapted for people who use wheelchairs. I know you do not have an easy decision ahead. How does your wife feel? If she feels the same way - no love left - staying together becomes a platonic relationship. You do what you want and she does what she wants. Is that a viable option?

About the "hit to the bank" - is that part of what has kept you two together? Expect to pay something - she is your wife and mother of your child. She gets s sympathetic judge and a bulldog attorney...

phillysteakandcheese · Feb 12, 2007, 02:36 PM

I suspect you are probably bitter, feeling trapped by your obligations to "never let her fail" as you put it, for the last 17 years.

In many respects, the handicap really shouldn't affect your decision. Either you want to work on the marriage, or you want to end it. I realize that it's much harder than that.

Does you wife feel the same way? I would suggest an open and honest conversation with her, discussing how to end your marriage without it being a huge "dropped bomb" that overwhelms her.

As for the "hit in the bank" - expect it to be large... 'cause if I were her, I'd try to take you for everything I could too.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 12, 2007, 05:31 PM

I am saddened that anyone would divorce their wife over sex, it may be her handicap that is part of her sexual issue.

If this is the reason you want the divorce, pray you don't get a judge with my opinions or you will have nothing left.

But most likely you will have to help provide for her care.

Hotrob · Feb 13, 2007, 01:15 PM

She was on SSDI but lost it because she made too much money.She made 15 thousand.And that's too much? Her SSDI between her and my son was 11 thousand.Now she has to payback 20 thousand over a period of 20 years.So it's not really an option.I guess the biggest factor is there is no love in the relationship anymore.No fire,no passion.And I don't believe I want to live the rest of my life as such. We have been to counseling,without any results.So now to move on with my life,I have to make a decision

talaniman · Feb 13, 2007, 09:46 PM

If the shoe was on the other foot what would you do?

kierjess · Feb 15, 2007, 07:47 PM

I think it is very unfair to live the rest of your life in a loveless marriage. Why should both parties suffer this and be damned for the rest of their lives? Neither the church nor a judge should see the handicap and make it a pity party. People can fair well nowadays with handicaps. Pity doesn't help them. People have every right to try and make the best of their life. I think you should look beyond her physical limitations. What matters is the 2 parties involved. Is she happy Rob? I'd bet anything she isn't. I think you have a big heart for staying with her but in the end it's not the judge or a priest who will be unhappy. I'm sure in the end you will do what's right for the both of you. And I'm sure whether the judge forces you to pay what he deems necessary, you would do it because you still do care what happens to her or you wouldn't be on here asking for help. It's just not right to be unhappy and trapped... for either of you. Don't let the people in here get you down for religious beliefs. It's your life not theirs.

talaniman · Feb 16, 2007, 06:17 AM

If the shoe was on the other foot what would you do?
Comments on this postkierjess disagrees: if ands and buts don't work here

You obviously misread my question as it was more information and dialog that I was seeking. Hard to get the flavor of a poster with just one thread so ease off before you judge.

Synnen · Feb 16, 2007, 07:22 AM

You know... Kierjess's response just rubbed me the wrong way.

When you get married, you promise to be there for the other person, in good times and bad, and in sickness and in health.

I'm not religious, but the very idea of divorcing my husband because he became handicapped and wasn't able to have sex is abhorrent for me.

I think the OP either never loved his wife, or has a very skewed idea of love.

Should he have to spend the rest of his life in a loveless marriage? That's a hard question.
Should his wife be abandoned because he's too worried about sex? Also a hard question.

Should they discuss together what would make them BOTH happier? Absolutely. However, I doubt that that conversation is going to do much good at this point, especially if marriage counseling has been tried.

Do you still love her enough? I don't know. Only YOU know that.

How badly will you take it in the bank? Pretty badly. She's been paralyzed for 17 years. The time for doubting whether you could care for her in that state for the rest of your life was then.

I'm thinking that something ELSE fairly significant has happened recently to bring these doubts forward again.

Hotrob · Feb 16, 2007, 07:35 AM

If the shoe were on the other foot.I wouldn't have a problem with her leaving.You see this is very life altering.And a healthy relationship would be hard to maintain.There are too many "cants" involved.Remember I have been more of a care taker than husband for 17 years.Along with her walking,her sex drive left.Before this happened,it had just started to be somewhat normal.After?Well it's non existent.I am only human,and have needs.There are other factors here also.She had a chance to walk,through therapy,and gave up.I spent 5 years going with her to help her with this,when she finally got tired of going.She was up and walking,and threw it away.She could still go back and make it work but docent want to.Our son has never seen her stand.I have worked on the health aspect,and mental aspect of being in a chair,but this falls on deaf ears.I think she is being selfish.I know is said in sickness and in health.and I have been there through it both.But when someone stops trying to get better,why should I be saddled with that out come? If it were me,I would be doing everything I could to at least stand,if not walk on a daily basis.But to look out a kitchen window to see snow fall,or get a plate from the cupboard,well that would be worth every effort. She just seems to be happy to just not want to participate in life.There are all kinds of activities she could participate in,but refuses.There is always an issue,of accessibility,or her legs hurt,or the weather,or whatever.And that's all b.s.Just excuses.So I have tried to go about my life without her.And you know what? It's no fun.I didn't get married to spend time by myself.No I was pushed into it.And I'm not happy because of it.So you see,sex is only part of the picture.It does factor in,but so does the rest of daily life.I didn't get married to be a care taker.It's a particapant sport.And I have lost my partner.So,If it were me,in her shoes? Yes I would let her leave me,without much fuss.Why would I want to hold her back,from a normal healthy life?

talaniman · Feb 16, 2007, 09:05 AM

Thanks for your reply, as I can certainly understand your frustration. It does sound taxing to say the least and I'm not sure by your posts about her seeking counseling? Also I'm curious as to how she became handicapped if you wouldn't mind sharing.

Hotrob · Feb 16, 2007, 09:35 AM

I went to counseling on my own at first,she didn't want to go,because it was "my problem" after awhile I could no longer afford it.Then last fall we both went.we went for a couple of months,then she said she was tired of going so we stopped.Things were better at first,but know we are back to where we started.She is good for change only for a short time.As far as paralyzed?She suffers from a thing called a cavernous venous malformation.In a nut shell she had a stroke of the spinal cord.This is at T 12.She is paralyzed from th hips down

talaniman · Feb 16, 2007, 10:09 AM

Wow I really can't say I would not be very discouraged, when some one just gives up like that, and won't at least try, not good, and I suspect depression has a little to do with it. Dude I honestly think you need a vacation or a break for yourself. After giving so much for so long I think you have been neglecting yourself. I have seen how depilitating being a caregiver can be and 17 years is to long to go with out meeting your own needs, and I'm not just talking about just sex. Have you two discussed alternative care so you can regularly take a good break?

Hotrob · Feb 16, 2007, 10:42 AM

Don't get me wrong.She is fairly independent.She drives,maintaines the house,and cooks.She needs help with some of this,but she does contribute to the household.But there are all the things that she can't do which add up.Anything from changing a lite bulb,to dusting on top of things.Our house has a basement,where the laundry,storage and circuit brakers are.she has no access to this,and to put a lift in is cost prohibitive.If it snows,she cannot get out to her car.So I have to shovel a way out for her before I go to work,which starts at 5 am.All of these things add up,and take there toll on me.I don't have a problem helping her.But she should come my way a little,and try to better herself.She has slept on the couch for about 6 years now.She said the bed wasn't comfortable.Fine I told her to go buy a new one.I let her pick it out.She slept there 3 times.That doesn't sound like trying much to me. But that's the way she is,she is good for short burts.And as far as getting away?That's all fine and well,but the problem will just be there when I return.You have to understand.I don't hate her,not at all.All of this has made me numb towards her. Not much feeling at all.We just kind of live together.

kierjess · Feb 18, 2007, 12:15 AM

Synnen,
I rub you the wrong way huh? Well how well do you know this man? How can you judge without knowing everything? Just a few words asking for advice does not make anyone on here an expert on the subject. Ok, so you wouldn't do this? Are you in the same situation? I don't think so. And this isn't just a couple words on a post at a help desk. We are talking years and years of ups and downs. The late night talks, the counseling, the child. And I've talked to him. I know a lot more of this than you. Not all, mind you, but this has gone on years before her handicap. The man has a heart. He's stayed through thick and thin. But why should he spend his whole life being trapped?? Why should he be unhappy because his wife has no feelings of physical love? Are not men and women supposed to love? Not only emotionally but physically? Isn't that in the bible? I'm a jewish woman and the law is to please your husband in everything. I don't do as the bible or the holy law asks... I am my own person. And in any law, including GOD'S, I think it's OK to want happiness.
So to end this whole discussion, is this not a help forum?? Or a damned to hell because you do not agree on something someone is doing? I disagree on all this so called help. He needs information... not criticism.

talaniman · Feb 18, 2007, 05:29 AM

.And as far as getting away?That's all fine and well,but the problem will just be there when I return.You have to understand.I don't hate her,not at all.All of this has made me numb towards her. Not much feeling at all.We just kind of live together.

One of the reasons that I suggested a vacation to yourself is to combat the burnout you feel and give your wife a time to consider life with out you. Not just to think but see how important it is to try and not be a quitter after time. A fresh care giver may change her perspective and you need a couple of weeks of just you time, yes the problem will still be there but a fresh rested mind may add a new and different solution to your problem. Also I think you have become more than a care giver at every obstacle you have been providing solutions, where she should be solving her own problems, and having a greater range of independence than she may be aware she can do. Hey I'm not saying you should stay in a bad situation I understand that but put yourself in a situation that affords you the best viewpoints and facts to make a good decision for you and your family as a child is involved so I hope you take two weeks just for you and she should absolutely know the reason why. If there is anyone who deserves and needs a chance to recharge and rest its you. Do it for you, and let the problems go fix themselves, or let someone else worry about them.

ordinaryguy · Feb 18, 2007, 05:55 AM

This is a very difficult situation, and no one can solve Rob's problem for him. He came here looking for input and he's got a diverse bunch of it, so I think that's good. I like Tal's idea of taking some days-long breaks from the situation. Not that this would solve anything right away, but it might start the process of reinterpreting the situation for both of them and lead to some kind of change that could eventually be called progress. It sounds like the feeling of being stuck in a holding pattern without any positive movement is much of what's eating at Rob, and something needs to happen to get off dead center and create motion of some kind. Several days apart just might do it. At least it would be different.

JoeCanada76 · Feb 18, 2007, 06:32 AM

First: There is a lot of I's in your post.

Second: When a man and women get together they promise to be with one another through good times and bad times. Sickness and health. Through all times to be one and remain one. That is what marriage is.

Third: Your worried about your sexual relationship, your money, your. Well you get the idea.

Fourth: Sometimes when you help somebody so much they become too dependent on your help and then they sometimes always rely on that and it actually makes them worse. I have a problem like that with a family member. Always having things done for him. Never doing anything for himself. He does not see this. All that is happening is he is getting worse and worse. I feel responsible for helping this person too much. When I shared the idea of me feeling responsible. He could not understand why, but if I told him that I do everything for him and he does nothing for himself and that is why he is worse. It would probably start WW3.

So question for you, since you have been taking care of your wife this long do you feel responsible for her not getting any better? I know you blame her for not doing enough, and I believe your right that. A lot of it has to do with her not trying hard enough but you need to take some responsibility in that as well. Right!

Fifth: Tal is absolutely right on the money. You have been giving so much of yourself to your wife that you are burning out. The one way to clear your head. One way to get re energized is to go on a vacation, do something for yourself. Maybe all you really need is a break and maybe you will be able to face things with a new perspective.

Sixth: Yes, I know this is very frustrating and on many different levels but I do believe that you were not FORCED INTO THIS, YOU AS A HUSBAND HAD THE RESPONSIBILITY OF TAKEN CARE OF YOUR WIFE. Do you remember Christopher Reeves. His wife was remarkable. Went through a lot with him. She did it.

Seventh: I would say if you still love your wife, then you need a break. You need to take a break. Get outside help to take care of your wife. That is important. Then you will have a clearer head.

Eighth: Maybe it is time to let her do more things. If you start doing less and less things for her she will have no choice but to do more for herself. Do you think she might be better off without you. Do you think she will actually do better, because she will be forced to get better if your not there taking care of her?

Best of luck to you with whatever decision you make.

Joe

valinors_sorrow · Feb 18, 2007, 06:43 AM

Regardless of what caused it, I hear Rob describing no real marriage here -- they are roommates with an added side of caretaker for Rob. Not good. I believe him too. However the handicapped part is really very secondary to me. I have known handicapped people-- wheelchair bound paraplegics and quads even. They are still people first and foremost and the healtiest ones I know would suggest that their handicap not be any more a factor than is absolutely necessary. Since counseling didn't work (and who knows exactly why apart from she apparently gave up), I would call it a day. That you may pay more for divorcing a handicapped spouse is also quite secondary and frankly, that's just the way it goes. I would favor ANY two people who tried and failed to reclaim their marriage having as non-acrimonious a divorce as possible since to miss out on what could be occurring instead seems a shame to me. I don't see this as being any different.

kierjess · Feb 18, 2007, 07:53 AM

I don't know but when I came on here to get help myself, as Rob had suggested, I didn't think it would be a bunch of people throwing opinions down other throats. After all it does say "HELPDESK". I truly thought it would be professionals, like lawyers and doctors and so on. But to have a bunch of strangers make you feel horrible about your life, wow I'm appalled. This is more like you said: " A RANT" forum. Shoot you might as well go on the Jerry Springer show and have people boo you. This isn't helping Rob. All this is doing is making him feel worse.