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rossi1098 · Dec 11, 2011, 03:26 AM

Hey All,

My girlfriend has admitted to cheating and after a long talk and a looooong think we decided to try and stay together. This is because she was says she's still in love with me and was so reluctant about it and so unbelievably sorry, also we (had) such an amazing relationship for 2 and a half years and still love each other so much... Anyway we have been back together for a month or so now and up until recently its been pretty good!

I've started to not be able to get the thought of her cheating out of my mind, even when we are together I can't stop thinking about it... I don't want to bring anything up cause every time I do it sucks and it feels like doing that pushes her away... Also it feels to me like there is an comfortability and I hate that feeling especially since we are in love.

I feel like I want to sit her down and talk about it and tell her that it feels uncomfortable and that I want to know all the details of what happened. Then try and work through it and say that it feels like she isn't as 'in to the relationship' as she was before all this happened and even though she still loves me.

I don't know it's a tricky situation because I love her so much and have the best time with her more than any other person in the world and so I don't want to freak her out etc etc.

What's a good process to go through?
Thanks!

Kahani Punjab · Dec 11, 2011, 05:26 AM

Rossi1098,

Welcome to this beautiful site, first!

I would advise you to use the communication channel. Talk to her. See/Listen to what she has to say about it. Try to resolve the issue by negotiation. Good luck, dear!

TrueFaith · Dec 11, 2011, 07:50 AM

Gahh! That is the noise I make when I think about what your having to deal with

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Of course you can't get it out of your head you feel betrayed and hurt which is totally normal and you wanting to know the details.. Trust me won't help a damn thing all it will do is make you even worse trust me..

But here is the thing you need to ask yourself

Do you want this relationship to work?
Is it worth it?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? With her and kids?
Do you still TRUST HER? *Id have to say NO*
How will it be 5 years down the road with a kid and she goes out for the night while your at home.

Those are the serious questions you need to ask yourself it takes two to make a relationship work even the best of ones.. and relationships with this kind of problem well the two people need to be like rocks together.

IF I was you. I would sit her down and tell her that I have tried to work through this but I can't all I keep seeing is you and him together.

I would leave honestly, She did it to you then what makes you think she won't do it again?
I mean lets think about it here.
Whatever the circumstance of the situation
She KNEW what she was doing.. She KNEW she was with YOU. She wanted it to happen and she made it happen.

And even if she was drunk she still knew but just didn't care.

Now can you honestly love and respect someone like that? I just I cant.
There are so many things that you can accept an apology for

But when you are both in a committed relationship for one person to break that trust willingly its not a mistake it's a conscious decsition
And every action has consequences
And she needs to deal with them.

I really hope you do what's best for you!
She lost the right to be thought of when she slept with another man.

It would be a different story if you had kids then I would say maybe work it out

talaniman · Dec 11, 2011, 03:05 PM

For now guy I think you put your best foot forward as you wrestle with your feelings of lost trust, and her maybe feeling guilty.

You have said you are going to try again, so no matter what your feelings are, don't let them cloud your judgement, and make you do or say anything from emotional impulse.

Think well and long, before you act or speak.

vanheart · Dec 11, 2011, 06:14 PM

Keep talking. At least she was honest.

No one likes being cheated on.

If you want to continue, then there will be some work to do.

Lots of questions & answers.
First of all, why you are with her?

That's a big one.

markwebber12345 · Dec 12, 2011, 02:38 AM

So it's not a good idea to ask for details? At all? Just talk about how I can't help thinking about it and also our relationship how we have to be rock solid and how she is going to try to gain my trust again?

The reason I'm back with her is because I love her so dam much and I miss her so so much... (you know what the thing was she didn't tell me she cheated till we got back together, but I already knew)...

LuckyChucky13 · Dec 12, 2011, 10:29 AM

Mark,

The worst kind of betrayal from someone we love is them doing something that loses our trust, and in this case, cheating is one of the top on the list of trust-breakers. (It's happened to me, so know exactly how you feel).
True faith was on the spot when she said:

She KNEW what she was doing.. She KNEW she was with YOU. She wanted it to happen and she made it happen.

Every action we take is a reaction to a sequence of thoughts on our mind. She did what she did 'consciously' and 'willingly'. She realized the other guy was not as good as you (to her), so she came back. Do you think she would have come back to you if she felt more attracted or more 'in love' with the other guy?
Humans use the words 'friend', 'love', 'care' and other such word so loosely it bothers the crap out of me. When we say we love someone, we're doing something selfishly. We 'love' them because it they satisfy our selfish needs... we have 'friends' because they feed our ego and make us feel better when we need no one but ourselves to make us feel amazing about ourselves.

The point I'm getting to is this girl may think she 'loves' you, but she has no clue what love is. I don't know how old you and her are (not that age matters most of the time), but the chances are you're both still young (at least relationship-wise) and have a lot of maturity to do.

For her - she has to learn to appreciate who she's with and not go opening her legs to every 'hot' guy just because she can take for granted the fact that she's young and attractive and knows you'll be good to her nonetheless (she knew you would before she cheated, believe me... something you said or did gave her that insurance).
For you - still wanting to be with someone who betrays your trust. I don't care how much you think you love a person, once they break the trust, it's never the same. Let me be clear here: I'm NOT saying relationships cannot be worked on after cheating happens (some relationships have worked out, with lots and lots of effort and time), but most of the time the opposite is true.

You're attached to her, you're used to her and you love so many things about her, I get that, but you start 'loving' someone when they're good to you, when they have passed enough time with you to grow with you and be there for you when you're at your worst. You begin to 'love' someone when they've been a true friend to you, not judging you whenever you do something silly because they understand that no one is perfect and she can accept you with all your faults. You begin to 'love' someone when everything they do is for the best of both you and her.

Mark, you don't want to know the details of what happened between your girlfriend and that guy. First, it's only going to give you mental images of whatever you hear and it's going to eat you up inside and play in your mind constantly. Second, every time she's out without you, you'll wonder if she's doing it again (especially when things are not so good between the two of you). And third, I guarantee that she will never give you the whole truth. Do you think she wants to share intimate details about what happened and really expect you to be OK with that? She knows that the less she says, the higher the chances of you sticking around.

The last question you asked was 'what's a good process to go through?'
The best process, buddy, is the process of elimination. If you truly understand what I said above, you'd know that you deserve a life-partner, someone who will stick by your side and is truly in love with you. This girl may grow up and mature and come back in 10 years and sit you down and tell you she has understood the meaning of trust and loyalty. At that time you may want to give it a second chance (if you're still single), but for now, you will always have your doubts.

Why do you think the divorce rate is so high nowadays? Because people rush into relationships to fill empty voids created by our constant need of being wanted and loved. You got to love yourself before you can have someone love you. And I'm not using the word love 'loosely' here. Think about all this.

talaniman · Dec 12, 2011, 11:22 AM

You got to love yourself before you can have someone love you.

I think it's a lousy idea to keep hammering her with how you feel, and wanting details that will only keep the wounds open.

They are distractions to the real issue of how it happened, and what can be done to keep it from happening again. I don't think it's a good idea to think we can make ourselves feel better by torturing, and interrogating our partners, and I think YOU working out your own feelings and getting them under control will lead to a better, more effective strategy, and approach to rebuilding the trust, and dealing with the emotional fall out.

Knee jerk impulsive reactions gain you nothing, but even more problems, and if you have decided to try this again, cool, calm, collected, and under control is a better long term strategy.

There are two of you that have to rebuild together. Express your feelings honestly without tearing your partner down, or else what's the point?

Think before you act or speak. Give the emotional dust time to settle, for you both.

You got to love yourself before you can have someone love you.

pahlp · Dec 13, 2011, 04:44 PM

Make an appointment with a counselor... really. They will help you work this thing through. Bottom line will be can you honestly forgive her? Will you be able to trust her again? If the answer is no then you must leave. You will build up so much resentment and it will show in other ways and destroy your relationship. A counselor will help you get to the answers I mentioned earlier.

vanheart · Dec 13, 2011, 04:52 PM

Here's the thing, like you said.

You got back together & you already knew.

You both have to be invested, if you want this to work.

Make a plan. To communicate. And yes, counseling isn't a bad idea.

"The reason I'm back with her is because I love her so dam much and I miss her so so much"

What other reasons?

rossi1098 · Dec 18, 2011, 10:25 PM

OK guys got some new news... the other day after a wonderful couple of days with her she went back home (only about 40 minutes away) and I was trying to get incontact with her and ask her when we should catch up again... anyway long story short, she didn't reply to anything for the whole day (next I recive a text from a mate saying he just saw her driving through the city) anyway she text me late that night saying sorry she left her phone in her room all day and forgot it etc etc (was a lie)... I asked her if everything with us was OK and what she did today to which she said she was at home all day and yes everything was OK...

Now I never asked her for details of what happened (cheating) like everyone said I shouldn't but we did talk about how we are feeling and it all was positive and we knew it was going to be hard and a fight but we are willing to try to fight to be together and get over it together...

Next thing I get a text after the mini agument about how I said well I know you wernt at home all day and why can't you just tell me especially if you are trying to build our trust again... she sent me a text saying that she doesn't know how eveything will turn out even though we stick in there and that she knows she has put me through a lot, she said she hates knowing what she was capable of and believed she would never do it and is fighting her own inner turmoil let alone how ii must be feeling, she said it breaks her heart to know that she's done this to me someone who has done nothing but good by her and it runs through her head all of the time and that even though I can move on and deal with it it doesn't change the fact that how can she trust herself if she broke her own promise... then went on to say I love you so much etc...

We have talked since then but not in great length and not about what she said... I just said to her you can be putting doubt on us alreaddy and you can't keep dwelling on the past because its what will destroy us...

Fast forward to today when she promised she would come and visit this morning (its now 5pm)... well I wouldn't be writing this if she had of come or let alone called me to say she was not coming or something...

I don't know why she does this to me? I feel ignored but I can't blame myself because of what she said about how she can't trust herself, so why does she take it out on me by ignoring me? Arrrrrgghhh

vanheart · Dec 18, 2011, 10:38 PM

The reason she keeps doing this because you let her. Always have, and still.

Crying about it. I mean you. Sorry, I write with lyrics in mind.

C'mon man. The sooner you man-up, and stop giving a crap about her, the better.

If I were you, I wouldn't give her the time of day, even if I wore a watch.

A big one. Jewel encrusted.

rossi1098 · Dec 18, 2011, 10:46 PM

I feel like sending her a text saying something like "ok I'm going to leave you be for a little bit until you talkk to me even though it's the time of year when we should be together as much as we can, obviously something is playing in your mind giving you doubt on us even though I'm the one that should be thinking that and not you. We talked the other night about what we got to do to get through this stage and I thought it was sorted and we both have each others word, I know I may be pushing things but in saying that not communicating is the last thing we should do! I love You...

What you think everyone?

vanheart · Dec 18, 2011, 10:54 PM

Nope. Just go NC for good.

Keep that to yourself.

rossi1098 · Dec 18, 2011, 10:59 PM

Why nc? We are still together and I want to sort it out

vanheart · Dec 18, 2011, 11:09 PM

Doesn't sound like it to me. Sorry, I know you are trying. But loads of pressure.

"i feel like sending her a text"

Talk in person.

I wouldn't try so hard. Let her.

She's the one that cheated, lied & screwed someone else.

""ok im going to leave you be for a little bit until you talkk to me even though its the time of year when we should be together as much as we can, obviously something is playing in your mind giving you doubt"

Sounds desperate to me.

Let her deal with her doubt. And you yours.

Take a break.

vanheart · Dec 18, 2011, 11:38 PM

"next thing i get a text after the mini agument about how I said well i know you wernt at home all day and why can't u just tell me especially if you are trying to build our trust again... she sent me a text saying that she dosent know how eveything will turn out even though we stick in there and that she knows she has put me through alot, she said she hates knowing what she was capable of and beleived she would never do it and is fighting her own inner turmoil let alone how ii must be feeling, she said it breaks her heart to know that shes done this to me someone who has done nothing but good by her and it runs through her head all of the time and that even though i can move on and deal with it it dosent change the fact that how can she trust herself if she broke her own promise... then went on to say i love you so much etc..."

Did you catch all of that? Total girl guilt. And you begging.
A girl that's being pressured. She feels bad, but doesn't want to continue. She knew it before you did.

She cheated on you. Too much emotional work for her, now. Too much redemption.

She's trying to be nice. I guess cheating on you isn't enough.

Leave her alone. Let her find the guy that she wants.
And you the girl. The one that's true.

All without pressure.

All I know is that when someone cheats on me. Im done.
Sorry, that just me.

No excuses.

Stop pressing. It happens to the best of us.
Sounds like false hope to me.

What is she waiting for? For you to forgive her & show her. Yeah right.

rossi1098 · Dec 19, 2011, 03:09 AM

Trust me mate I would love to talk to her in person and sort it out but she won't even reply to me...
I don't know how can a girl go from loving every second with you when your together and being the affectionate girlfriend to completely ignoring you and doubting everything within thhe space of a few hours of not being together?

I can't just go nc dealing without closure is something I cannot do, and that closure has to come out of her lips... I'm going to struggle I mean can't you see that I've taken back a girl that cheated on me, that's how much I love her, I know it's a joke and I'm weak and blah blah blah but at the end of the day that's how I feel... argh wish I could just deal with this **** better and say **** off

TrueFaith · Dec 19, 2011, 07:45 AM

Taking back. Someone who has cheated. On you is not a sign of love. It's pride and fear of being alone or more to the point the feelings that person gives you.

Well as the. People here have said you keep on going down this road you will end up even more hurt.
But it seems that this is a mistake. You just need to learn for yourself

All the best

talaniman · Dec 19, 2011, 03:19 PM

QUOTE by rossi1098;
Trust me mate I would love to talk to her in person and sort it out but she won't even reply to me...

You want a quick fix, where there is NONE. You haven't identified, or acknowledge the very fact of why she cheated in the first place. You just want to ignore everything and go back to the way it was, and that's not a realistic approach to problem solving, and puts feelings, ahead of the facts.

I don't know how can a girl go from loving every second with you when your together and being the affectionate girlfriend to completely ignoring you and doubting everything within thhe space of a few hours of not being together?

Again you think you can ignore the fact that there is something going on in her head, has been for a long time, and led to something traumatic happening. You are still looking for a quick fix to forget, go back to a happy time, and that's not going to happen.

I can't just go nc dealing without closure is something I cannot do, and that closure has to come out of her lips...

Wrong again. Acceptance is closure, and that come from within you, not from her. She has taken her space for herself, but of course you can't see that because you only want that unrealistic return to the happy time, and that ignores totally that the reasons she cheated are still there, and have yet to be resolved. I doubt she is even ready to talk to you about it.

NO, I KNOW she isn't ready!

I'm going to struggle I mean can't you see that I've taken back a girl that cheated on me, that's how much I love her,

But that love has blinded you to the problem that you are having and made a quick fix the goal, and the solution that will never work.

I know it's a joke and I'm weak and blah blah blah but at the end of the day that's how I feel... argh wish I could just deal with this **** better and say **** off

Its no joke, and you are not weak, but woefully inexperienced, and think following your feelings will solve the problem and think love is enough to get you through this time.

What you need is really some patience, and a lot of thought, and let go of your preconceived notions that your feelings are the same as hers, so you can thoughtfully discuss what the REAL problem between you is, and then find some REAL solutions.

Dude, she is obviously not think about you, but herself, and what SHE is going through. As long as you think of this as being about YOU, and what YOU want, you will never know what she WANTS, and that disconnect IS the problem.

Leave her alone with no further contact at all until she gets in touch with you, then and only then do you ask her what's up with her, and you better listen without trying to fix her thinking, or solve her problem. Stop making it about you very simply, and pay attention because you may have been happy, but she wasn't.

Give her space guy, so you at least can know WHAT you are dealing with. This is a defining moment for her to make a decision to leave, or stay, and its her decision to make without your influence.

I highly suggest you let her, and not push your LALA LAND ideas at this time. Of course its tough, but it's the right thing to do as opposed to a quick fix, that only takes your feelings into account, and ignores the problem.

This is a great time for you to cope with yourself, without her influence on YOU. Now get yourself under control, and stop letting your feelings overwhelm your head.