[Delilahwrites]

Hi,
Me and my boyfriend are together for more than a year. We've dealt with loads of troubles including adultry. Our last big fight was about this and it was 2 months ago. I love him and feel that he loves me back so I try not to think about that issue anymore.

When I feel myself good and self confident, everything's fine. For example I'm not obsessed about his calls or texts and ironically he calls me more when I'm cool.

But what bothers me is that one week we're a perfect, loving and caring couple then the next week there's a coldness that I can't tell why.

This happens when I feel bad about the past. I sometimes feel like I'm still comparing myself with those other women and get into a gloomy mood.

Do you think it's about my positivity, should I always be nice and cheerful to be a good person and a girlfriend? By the way I don't blame him for anything and try to walk in his shoes. That's why I deactivated my Facebook account a month ago. I just couldn't bear him adding "that" gal into his friend list again. I broke up and cried but he didn't delete her and I told him it's humiliating for me, because there are people who know about the incident and I felt ashamed. So anyway, I chose not to see it, he told me it's not important.

So what can I do to keep my inner peace and trust? Will I experience that bitter feeling periodically or will I totally forget it someday? I'm trying my best, I swear I was through it until I saw her on his social network again. Maybe it means nothing for him but it broke my heart. It's silly for an educated person to be affected from such a thing but what do I do? I felt ashamed like a kid. So I need your advices. This is important because I need to be happy, not only for the relationship, but also for my life.

[talaniman]

You were cheated on, he still has her in his life, you are supposed to feel bad. I would. How do you rationalize breaking trust? Sorry, I really am, but the rhythm of this relationship does not lend itself to peace, and tranquility, not with her still in the picture.

[amicon]

Why are you feeling ashamed?

He is the one who is acting strangely.

He broke your trust;don't blame yourself for feeling the way you do.

And don't fall into the trap of trying to be ''the perfect girlfriend''-you're either loved for w h o you are,or it ain't love!

Personally,I think you need a better boyfriend-I see very little respect here,and I think you are on a downward spiral.

Work on yourself esteem and have a serious think about whether you should be with this guy.

[Jake2008]

I agree with the answers you have been given so far.

One thing to think about is that, you can't change the past by not thinking about it, or changing yourself, or your life- i.e. being cheerful, deleting your Facebook. Forgiving someone for cheating on you, requires more than zero effort on his part. Him telling you that it didn't mean anything, yet he is still in contact with her is cruel and unusual punishment toward you- who did not cheat.

It is him- his character, morals, values, behaviour, and willingness to address HIS cheating, and how it has adversely affected YOU, that needs to be done. You cannot fix this situation until he steps up, and deals with it in a way that puts the affair in the past. That won't be done as long as she is in the present, and for all you know, the future.

It takes two, not three, people to make a relationship work. If his 'friendship' with her, considering the circumstances, is not over, or he chooses to remain in contact with her, how can the relationship work.

You are being treated disrespectfully, to say the least. You accommodating his behaviour by changing yourself, doesn't change him. He has to be held accountable for his behaviour, and he needs to make changes.

If he is willing to talk, accept responsibility for what he's done, and what he is still doing, then I would say you have a shot at changing the relationship to a healthy one- with a lot of work. As long as you think he had reason to cheat, and accept his bad behaviour that still goes on, you will be disappointed.

And as you've already learned, all your angst and effort keeps coming around, and that is because the issue still remains a huge red flag in your relationship.

[Delilahwrites]

First of all, it's great to have people like you who care. Thanks a lot.

I do know that I seem a bit obsessed and idéefixe when it comes to this issue. However there's something I can't explain. I love him so much and it's a mixed feeling. I consider him as my lover, my best friend, brother etc. Thus this gives me reasons to forgive him for most of the things he does. But of course it's not easy because there are times I need sympathy and care. When our needy periods crash, I usually remind myself to stay focused on good things he does and heal myself. I strongly believe thet in the core, there's a special bound because he's a writer and used to be a loner.
His close friends tell me that I must be real important for him because I'm welcome anytime and this is not his thing. I actually don't need people telling me how he loves me, what I really care is our peace and happiness.

By the way, I may agree with the statement that I'm trying to rationalize the incident. We don't have a proper sexual life and maybe that's one of the reasons I make up. But the problem is I'm a nice, attractive person. (I know it's weird to say that, please don't get me wrong) And the only difference between me and the "other" women is that they're too daring, they act like femme fatales, they act flirty and I find it ridiculous. I can be flirty or sexy too but I need to be encouraged because during the bad period he kept telling me how it irritates him to touch me for he still couldn't forget his ex. (She's like his nemesis by the way, what he told me is that she was evil and cheated on him many times. And this is one of his reasons he does it too. He says this is what he learnt from life, he needs to do it to protect himself from the potential danger so he believes that every woman does it. However he also confessed later that I'm loyal and trustworthy.)
So what we're dealing with is a bit complicated. He claims to had a weakness for the women who look like that ex. But he says it's over now and he loves me.

I don't want to seem naïve, it's possible if I can't express myself enough for English is my second language. I just want you to consider that he tells these things in a logical way, he's smart and intellectual so I can't find a reason why he bothers to explain.

What I can do to become attractive for him is another thing. He admires my looks, he's proud of me when we're out, he becomes jealous even my classmates call me. But when it comes to touching each other, he's just not that willing. It fails all the time and he only reached to the climax once in a year and a half.
I love him and want to solve this problem so much.

Thank you again for your care.

[talaniman]

Take him off that pedestal you have elevated him too. You may NEED him that high on your list, but realistically, has he earned or deserved it?

Sorry don't see it. And he still talks to the one he cheated with!? Boy are you asking for trouble!

[Delilahwrites]

I'm feeling pathetic now.

I'm down again, didn't eat anything the whole day.

I just can't get it, two days ago we were happy and I left his house in a great mood after five nice days which we enjoyed.
Now for two days he's kind of cold, he isn't calling me and he's speaking shortly when I do. He's adding how busy he is in all these calls. This means that "you shouldn't come over, not today".
This is normal, I wouldn't be sad if he told me this nicely. But that weird cold attitude hurts me.

I try my best to be nice, during the last week I was searching for a chance to get intimate with him but it didn't work. Although I'm OK with cuddling and sleeping, it hurts being unattractive to him.

I'm not panicked, I guess my feelings are a bit worn out. But I'm extremely sad.
I don't understand this. He tells me how he loves me anytime I'm with him.
Nowadays he has some financial problems so I'm not looking for extra attention. I just want to be helpful during this period.
But why is he cold now? What happened, how should I feel about it?
I'm not feeling OK. I've got a tons of things to be done by the end of this week. I can't believe how I became such a needy type while I should be reading Nietzsche.

[talaniman]

The question is not why he is being cold, but why are you not being good to yourself? Yes its very needy and desperate to need someone to be nice to you, for you to do good things for yourself, especially the basics, like eating, and sleeping.

You are wasting your time being good to him, and not getting it back.

Didn't you read my signature below??