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Awake · Nov 28, 2011, 06:32 AM

You may skip the first paragraph if you do not want the background info :)

To start, I will say that ever since I can remember I have always been interested in sex, masturbation and pornography. I had a normal childhood, but by 3 or 4 I had already been caught doing.. and watching.. so many unusual things (for a child) that I would think only teenage boys do because they are so taken over by hormones. Fast forward to my teenage years. I get a boyfriend! Finally, I have sex and it's amazing! Seven years, but I still don't see myself getting married to this guy, so I move on and I start dating. During this time, I dated a lot, but sex with the FEW men I have been with wasn't really enjoyable because there was no spark for me.. Until I met my second boyfriend. Onto the present..

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and we are both in our 20s. We are very much in love, but we are complete opposites when it comes to sex. When we got together I felt so much love for him that my sex drive shot through the roof and now it just seems to be a nuisance. I love to watch porn, I love to experiment, I love different positions, sex toys, lingerie, role-playing, sexting, making out, sex multiple times a day EVERY day.. He is the complete opposite. In fact, he is so against most of these things that he actually makes me feel pretty bad about it by calling me a "nympho" and giving me strange looks like when I tell him I have been thinking about sex with him all day. Oh, and he hates that I am bisexual because the thought of two women for him pretty much just grosses him out. Needless to say, I look at girls sometimes and see them as attractive and for him it's just a "What girl? Oh, sure." type of thing. I have talked to him so much about this and he has just never been interested in sex. With anyone. And he has maybe masturbated twice in his entire lifetime. I think the only reason he has sex with me two or three times a week is because he is trying to keep me happy in bed.. And sadly, I am not. It drives me crazy to the point where I just obsess about it all day! I masturbate pretty much every day, but nothing compares to the real thing so it is just disappointing and makes me want it more. I feel I have done everything I can - I talk to him about how I am feeling without being whiney (rarely now because it does no good), I compliment him in all aspects to keep his confidence high, of course I tell him when he does something good, I let him sleep whenever he is tired, I make sex "WOW" for him even though he doesn't like to continue for more than 15 minutes if at all and in only one position, I drop sexy hints, touch him certain ways in attempts to get blood flowing, I model lingerie for photoshoots/magazines a lot so he is used to seeing me in it (no help there) and it just seems that there is nothing else I can do. I have a HIGH sex drive and he probably has the lowest. It has always been this way for him and from what his mother has told me, his father is the same way. I refuse to cheat and I refuse to leave him because of sex. There are 7 days in a week, in which we see each other every one of those days and have many hours together plus weekends - I will settle for 4 times a week! I believe that for any relationship sex is important and I understand that when you get older, have children, sex will be less often. I could cry. Did I mention that we are in our 20s, have our careers started and both have flexible, low-stress jobs?

I know there are many others out there like me so if you are reading this, you understand, I would love any words of wisdom! Sorry for the rambling.. I'm asking a question, giving info, AND venting at the same time :)

JudyKayTee · Nov 28, 2011, 06:45 AM

Same info I give out all the time - you are in a relationship. You presumably discuss other problems and concerns. Discuss this with him. He is the ONLY person who knows what is going on inside his head.

Maybe you are trying too hard and turning him off. Maybe he has a lower sex drive than you have. Maybe it's a health problem. Maybe he's stressed. He's the one who knows.

If you cannot "live" without sex with a partner four times a week and he cannot provide it, then it's time to leave, particularly if it's that important to you.

Relationships have ups and downs. Your four times a week could be ten but it could be once.

You need to talk to him and you both need to be realistic.

Awake · Nov 28, 2011, 07:54 AM

"Same info I give out all the time - you are in a relationship. You presumably discuss other problems and concerns. Discuss this with him. He is the ONLY person who knows what is going on inside his head."
-We openly discuss everything. So like I said, I have, but have a lot less because I do not want to bug him with it and it seems to have no effect. Like I said, he has never been interested in sex. EVER. He has told me this.

"Maybe you are trying too hard and turning him off. Maybe he has a lower sex drive than you have. Maybe it's a health problem. Maybe he's stressed. He's the one who knows."
-Like I said, I pretty much have given up, so I would say I am definitely not trying really at all anymore. I have not tried to initiate sex or given any hints in maybe 4 or 5 days. We haven't had sex in that long. He definitely DOES have an extremely LOW sex drive for any "average" person. According to his mother, like I said, his father is the same way. We both get routine check-ups and we are both perfectly healthy. I have considered stress, but because he sits at a desk all day and gets on the internet for whatever to pass the time, he has admitted that work along with everything else is not stressing. And not really, he just knows that he has a low sex drive and there is nothing wrong with his mind or body.

"If you cannot "live" without sex with a partner four times a week and he cannot provide it, then it's time to leave, particularly if it's that important to you."
-I am human, I have a vagina and I like to have sex. I CAN live without it, I just don't want to. And what I said was not that I cannot live without it, I just don't want to "SETTLE" for anything less than 4 times a week when I know we have so much time together every day and are so young. Sex has many benefits, according to research and my own personal experience. Why not? He CAN provide it, he does have a working penis. Like I said, I will NOT leave him because of sex! Sex IS important to every relationship.

"Relationships have ups and downs. Your four times a week could be ten but it could be once."
-Of course all relationships have ups and downs. We haven't argued in a very long time and he has expressed to me that he is very happy, as am I, so I can say that we are having an UP time right now. I am aware of this fact that sex will never be a set number of times a week, but seeing that we are both in our 20s, are both perfectly healthy and happy, do not fight, have not changed our schedules and have every day together plus weekends, do not have children or any other type of stressing situation.. I think sex with the person I love 4 times (not necessarily days) a week should be fairly easy. Especially when it is only 15 minutes at most, at a time. That is 60 minutes, equivalent to ONE HOUR a WEEK. Too much to ask?

"You need to talk to him and you both need to be realistic."
-Like I have mentioned a few times in my first post, I have talked to him many times. But talking does not cure low libido. I would say asking for an hour of sex a week is realistic.

Thank you for all of the helpful information, JudyKayTee! :)

I would like to add something.. Before anyone posts, PLEASE read my entire post and it will be much appreciated. Thank you for all comments! :)

JudyKayTee · Nov 28, 2011, 10:38 AM

Originally Posted by Awake

I am human, I have a vagina and I like to have sex. I CAN live without it, I just don't want to. And what I said was not that I cannot live without it, I just don't want to "SETTLE" for anything less than 4 times a week when I know we have so much time together every day and are so young. Sex has many benefits, according to research and my own personal experience. Why not? He CAN provide it, he does have a working penis. Like I said, I will NOT leave him because of sex! Sex IS important to every relationship ... Of course all relationships have ups and downs. We haven't argued in a very long time and he has expressed to me that he is very happy, as am I, so I can say that we are having an UP time right now. I am aware of this fact that sex will never be a set number of times a week, but seeing that we are both in our 20s, are both perfectly healthy and happy, do not fight, have not changed our schedules and have every day together plus weekends, do not have children or any other type of stressing situation.. I think sex with the person I love 4 times (not necessarily days) a week should be fairly easy. Especially when it is only 15 minutes at most, at a time. That is 60 minutes, equivalent to ONE HOUR a WEEK. Too much to ask? ... Like I have mentioned a few times in my first post, I have talked to him many times. But talking does not cure low libido. I would say asking for an hour of sex a week is realistic.

I agree that that's realistic FOR YOU. I don't think it's realistic for him. Is 60 minutes a week too much to ask? Apparently it is - from him.

I still think he needs a physical exam - maybe it's his testosterone. Maybe he's diabetic. Maybe it's a thousand other things. I'd find out what it is. Thinking he's healthy is not the same as proving he's healthy.

I realize sex isn't all there is to a relationship. I, by the way, also have a vagina... so I know where you're coming from BUT if this is what your sex life is after a relatively short period (in the grand scheme of things), if you are frustrated enough to post the question on a public board, I question where your relationship will be in X years. It's not about what your sex life is or isn't. It's about what you can or cannot live with - or without.

Awake · Nov 28, 2011, 01:52 PM

My only non-rhetorical "question" from my thread: "I know there are many others out there like me so if you are reading this, you understand, I would love any words of wisdom!"

My realistic expectation - to have sex with my 20-something BF at least an hour a week. When we would talk about this, he would agree. I don't see how this is unrealistic to either of us, or any other sexually active person out in the world who is in a relationship. I have mentioned this in a previous comment, but again we both get routine check-ups. Meaning, we both go to a doctor on a regular basis. To be exact, one for gender oriented matters and the other a family doctor to check everything else. We have even gotten his testosterone checked by a doctor because I have some knowledge on the human body and with a significant lack of the very important male hormone, the libido crashes. I didn't say I THINK he is healthy, I KNOW he is healthy. And no, he is not diabetic. I will say this again, his father is and always have been the same way. From what I know, he is also healthy. I wouldn't say my BF was healthy or post questions asking how to deal with a thing like this if I wasn't fully aware of the situation. When I said "I have a vagina," I did not mean only women could relate to my situation, which not ALL can, it was just another way of expressing that I am a human being, therefore, I have needs and wants. Homo sapiens are the only species that uses sex for reproduction AND pleasure. Our sex life is not this way all of a sudden after this amount of time we have been together, I have said earlier that it has always been this way.

I have also, in this thread, expressed my concern for where this relationship will be in the future. And I understand that when you get older, have children, things change and sex can be less frequent. However, we are far from both old age and pregnancy. But again, I will not leave him because he has a lack of libido. I love him, so I would just like to deal with this. Again, we are both in our 20s, it is more than reasonable to ask for an hour of sex a week with your significant other. I think if anyone were out there suggesting that I should give up on this relationship, that would be wrong and unfair to him if I even thought about it. This is something he cannot help and we love each other.

"It's not about what your sex life is or isn't. It's about what you can or cannot live with - or without."
-The only thing I want out of my sex life is an active sexual relationship... It's about what I can or cannot live with or without? Okay.. Thank you again for your comment, JudyKayTee.

Again, I would like to ask people with experience on this particular situation on how they deal/have dealt with it. I would like to stress to everyone reading that I am not asking WHY he has no sex drive, I am asking people in this situation or others who have experience with this for advice. Please, if you have words of wisdom, experience.. wisdom or experience.. And have read my entire thread, Please post because it seems that unless you have been in this type of situation, it is quite quite hard to wrap your head around. Thank you all! :)

JudyKayTee · Nov 28, 2011, 02:00 PM

Originally Posted by Awake

Again, I would like to ask people with experience on this particular situation on how they deal/have dealt with it. I would like to stress to everyone reading that I am not asking WHY he has no sex drive, I am asking people in this situation or others who have experience with this for advice. Please, if you have words of wisdom, experience.. wisdom or experience.. And have read my entire thread, Please post because it seems that unless you have been in this type of situation, it is quite quite hard to wrap your head around. Thank you all! :)

I usually feel no need to post my "credentials" BUT... my late husband died young and was an invalid for five years before his passing.

Trust me - I've been in "that type of situation." You get to choose. I didn't.

When you post on a public board - and you have been polite but again have stated you want to hear from people with experience - you get what you get. You don't need to be arrested for robbery to practice criminal law; you don't need to be sexually frustrated in order to understand sexual frustration.

Many of my friends on the emotional/sexuality/medical - and legal - boards haven't been where the person asking the question is coming from - but they have studied or watched or have some other insight into the situation.

This is (honestly) not aimed at you. You've been polite and respectful and not everyone is (and, quite frankly, I admire your honesty and take on things) BUT (and I realize the word "but" negates all that has gone on before) on another thread someone wants to hear ONLY from someone who has experienced exactly the same thing in exactly the same State. Those "only" conditions to questions are the very reasons professionals who actually charge money exist. Again - I TRULY don't mean you, but requests that "only someone who is going through this" should answer are unreasonable on an open board.

At any rate - yes, I know what you're talking about and my friends on this site know that very well. I've been a lot closer to your problem than probably 99% of the people who do - or don't - answer.

Why would you assume I don't know what I'm talking about?

Cat1864 · Nov 28, 2011, 05:06 PM

I have read your posts. I think you are missing a point or you just don't want to see it. You try to pay lip service to it, but I don't think you are fully accepting it. His needs are different than yours.

How long have you gone without bring sex up in a discussion with him?

How long have you gone without making a sexual advance toward him?

Does he show affection in other ways? Does he hold your hand? Tell you he loves you? Kisses your cheek? Hold you while watching a movie? Or a thousand other non-sexual ways to show intimacy, trust, love, and affection? If he doesn't, is it because you expect more instead of what he is offering at the time?

His reasons for not wanting sex are every bit a part of this discussion. If you know the reasons then you can find compromises that work. Until you know the source all you are doing is throwing rocks in the dark hoping to hit the light switch. Usually that ends up in lamps being broken and more problems to fix.

By now he may be feeling stressed about how much you want sex and, quite frankly, no one wants to feel like human adult toy. I don't think that is how you see him, however, he could be feeling like one. Four days is not very long to give him time to make a move. He may need time to decide that you aren't going to jump on him the second he makes a move. He may want a different pace than the one you do. He may want to lead up to it slowly and take time which to you may not be what you expect or want. Ask him and see if there is a middle ground.

Perhaps you spend too much time together. Maybe you both need hobbies and other interests that help you keep from getting caught in a rut. Maybe he is too used to having you around and feels the tension coming from you that says he isn't doing enough to satisfy you. Stress comes in many forms. It isn't just from work, but from family, friends, partners, pets, housing, transportation, ourselves, etc.

Back off from seeing him every day of the week for hours. Accept and give small shows of affection without trying to turn them into intercourse. Work together to find compromises or find other people. That's what the rest of us do.

Xerxes12 · Nov 30, 2011, 09:00 AM

Dear Awake, You are in a tough spot. You see your libido! Is off the scale compared to his. This degree of mismatch is very hurtful. For both of you. I think you have received very kind advice and much of it right on point. The decisions are yours - stay and figure out how to live with his drive and not make him feel bad; or go and find your true sexual mate. The biggest thing I heard when reading your post: he looks at me as if I'm a nympho and is grossed out by your sexual desires. That sounds like a deal breaker! If he is turned off by your sexual desires or sees you in a negative light, you are fighting a battle that isn't yours for the winning.

You are a young woman who has a very strong sexual drive. But your man, not the same drive and worse yet, he is looking at you negatively. Talk? Maybe but my gut is telling me that you will not find your full happiness you deserve until you have found your mate who can keep up or even make you work hard!

Best wishes, ~X

SentientAndroid · Dec 15, 2011, 08:25 AM

:O I didn't read the rules yet, but is it OK to flirt with other members on here?

In all seriousness though, I know it doesn't seem fair for you, but you're just going to have to compromise with your boyfriend. 3-4 times a week is a really good number imo. Of course if it was up to me I'd have it like almost every day. I have a really high sex drive as well, much higher than your bf's, but good lord woman I wouldn't be able to handle you, "sex multiple times a day EVERY day.."!

I can COMPLETELY feel where you're coming from though because my girlfriend of 4 years recently told me that she hates to be touched, she hates sex... it's "disgusting" to her atm. So I haven't had sex in 3 weeks. I used to get sex 2-4 times a week and head at least once a week and I was content with that, I would've liked to have sex 4-6 times a week and head 2-3 times a week, but I couldn't. I would get kind of mad and pushy about sex when I wanted it maybe 2 times in one day and she'd absolutely refuse. She says that all we argue and fuss and fight about deals with sex. Years one and two we had sex a LOT. It was guaranteed that I was getting at least 2, sometimes 3 releases on Saturday. And then it just slowly and steadily declined from there. If I knew then what I know now I would've not have been so aggressive about wanting more sex because I'm not getting anything now. So try to pull in your reins for a bit and as difficult as it is don't be too pushy with wanting more sex... or else you could very possibly end up like me and not be getting ANYTHING for a while.