[Mom of 2]

Before I state the specifics to the situation, I want to make it clear that when I find out that I did something wrong, I admit to my wrong doing, learn from it and try my hardest not to do it again. With the recent Thanksgiving holiday finally over, I now realized how VERY thankful I am that I am no longer married to my ex-husband, who I will from this point on refer to as Wasband. I would also like to advise to all divorcées that you must make sure that you follow the parenting agreement to the letter. Now, here are the specifics:

Back on September 15, 2011, Wasband texted me that he was taking "extended visiting time" with the children within the Thanksgiving holiday week. What this meant specifically is that the children were with him from Fri 11/19 and all the way until 9 p.m. on Wed. 11/23. How many days is that? That is 6. This lead me to believe that I had the remainder of the Thanksgiving break with the children because I had the understanding that all holidays were to be split equally between both parents. Sounds fair and right by me. How about you?

When my kids were dropped off Wednesday 11/23 9 pm, they came running in, stating that their father told them that he was going to be picking them up at 6 p.m. on Friday and that he was celebrating Thanksgiving on Saturday (today). They knew that we had plans for the entire weekend and were worried that they were going to be cancelled. They were also under the assumption up until that point that the holiday was going to be split equitably. In previous years, we always seemed to do just that. I immediately wrote an email to Wasband, stating that if he thought that his 8 or 9 days were equal to my 1 1/2 days, he was crazy. I stated that it was my understanding that the holidays were to be split equally and that he could not actually think that this was fair. I told him that the children and I were heading out of town on Thursday morning and would be back in town on Saturday morning, which would allow him to still be able to celebrate Thanksgiving on Saturday. Please note that up until THAT point, I thought that he already celebrated the weekend before. When I found out from the kids that this was not the case and that they were going to be celebrating the holiday on Saturday (today), I wanted to be flexible and made changes to my plans to come back Saturday morning versus Sunday morning. I mean, he is their dad. The next morning, being that it was Thanksgiving, I did not check my email. Well, unbeknownst to me, he sent an email stating that based on "Paragraph G, section I of the parenting agreement" (what, does the guy have the thing memorized, or just laminated under his pillow?) the only holidays that are to be equally split are Christmas and Spring Break". He went on to say that he was scheduled during the odd years to have the children on the day after Thanksgiving at 6 pm and that if I did not make the kids available for pickup at that time, he was going to call the cops and press charges against me. By the way, Wasband is a cop. Needless to say, I did not get that message. On Friday evening around 7:15 I noticed that there was a missed call on my phone and I checked my voicemail. At 6:03, I got a call from him, stating that he was at my place waiting for the kids -- we were of course not home. There was also another message at 6:50 from a police officer, stating that he was calling regarding a custody issue and that he needed to speak with me. To make an already long story short, I come to find out that I was in violation of the parenting agreement and that charges were being placed against me. I indicated that it was never my intent to interfere with their father's visitation, I was just asserting myself for something that I THOUGHT was my right, and that isn't there a way that we could work this out? The officer told me that he would call Wasband to see if he was willing to drop the charges, as I now understood that my interpretation was wrong and I was willing to do the right thing and drive the children out to him. The officer said that Wasband did have the power to drop the charges and that all of this could go away if he agreed to it. 3 minutes later, the officer called me back, stating that Wasband was not going to drop the charges and that he demanded that the "children be returned". I have to go to court on January 5th, stand before a judge and plead my case. It is considered a petty crime and the officer stated that it was a local ordinance similar to a traffic ticket. The highest fine is $300 if convicted. If there is another violation, which believe me, there will not be, the fine goes higher. If there is a 3rd violation, it is upgraded to a misdemeanor.

Now, here is my question: I don't want to pay for a lawyer if I don't have to, so what is the best way to present my story to the judge in order for the judge to not convict me, which I honestly don't think will happen, or to at least get the lightest fine? By the way, I would LOVE to bring up the matter of last year, while Wasband was in Florida with the children, he called to tell me that he "missed their flight back home". I came to find out that was of course a lie. The kids stated that at the time of their flight, they were playing in the ocean and Wasband mentioned that he would just tell me that they missed it due to traffic. For the sake of the kids and because I did not want to make a big issue of it, I did not press charges. How can I bring this up without sounding like I am tattle telling. I just want to show that he doesn't always play by the rules and that I am flexible and understanding, whereas he is not.

[JudyKayTee]

This, unfortunately, is not a blog, and your post is very lengthy and blog-like.

I also see no reason to disrespect your "ex." You married him so at one time I presume you love him. Demeaning expressions like this one cause people to lose in Court.

That having been said - why are you attempting to prove anything to your children? I would think you would build up their own self respect by not talking badly about their father - and that includes calling him your wasband.

Your "ex" doesn't press charges. Once he files a report the Police write it and the DA decides how/whether to proceed. If he decides to drop the charges and the DA wants to prosecute he will be forced to testify.

From what I have read you violated the agreement/order. What happens next is at the discretion of the Police - and Family Court. Why don't you think a Judge will "convict" you? Past history (he did it to me; I'm doing it to him) is meaningless and makes you look worse.

The fact that he doesn't play by the rules and you do nothing doesn't mean you can ignore the rules and he can do nothing.

Your children are going to suffer from the hostility. I'm surprised the two of you don't see that. Perhaps the Judge will take it into consideration.

As a totally side issue - who ended the marriage?

[ScottGem]

Judy has made some very valid points though she is making some assumptions about how you act in front of the children. Let me also explain something about this site. When someone posts in a situation where there are two sides to a story, we try to read between the lines and try to give the best possible answer. It may not be the answer you want to hear but we will strive to be accurate.

You did make a big mistake in not knowing exactly what the court orders say. This is very important.

So, you have a hearing set. The first thing I would do is go to the prosecutor's office and speak to someone there before the hearing date. Explain to them that the father had originally told you he would be returning the children on 11/23 and said nothing about any further time. Explain that you then made plans based on that. And that when you find out he was celebrating on Sat you changed your plans to have the children back by then.

I would explain to the prosecutor that you never had any intention of interfering with the father's visitation (keep referring to him as the father). Tell them that you feel the father is blowing this out of proportion and wasting the prosecutor's and the courts time. Ask if there is anything you can do to make this go away.

If the prosecutor's office says no and you still have to go to court, then you go and simply explain to the judge, that you misunderstood the parenting plan and that you made these plans based on the father telling you he would return the children on 11/23. Tell the judge that you offered to drive the children back but the father refused to drop the charges. Apologize that this situation escalated to this point and you will accept whatever punishment the judge deems appropriate.

Do NOT badmouth the father. Do not try to point out previous times when the parenting schedule was not strictly adhered to. Be calm, polite and a little contrite.

Judges are not stupid. They know that divorce often makes for contention. I believe they will see this for what it is, an ex trying to get back at his ex. And they will not look kindly that a matter as trivial as this took up the court calendar.

But I believe the above advice is your best chance.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes and why all the emails, don't anyone actually pick up a cell phone, ( everyone has one) and just call the other party.

Beyond that excon is right, but remember it is a two way street, you are require and force him to follow every single rule in the order. But also show how he had the kids longer ( I assume he did) at the beginning.

[JudyKayTee]

If I had a nickel for every time someone said "I didn't pick up until after ..." I would have a lot of nickels.

[Mom of 2]

@Judy, I apologize that my initial posting was long. I was just trying to give details about what happened. I guess I gave too many.

The reason that I called him Wasband was kind of tongue and cheek and came from a therapist, who is divorced as well, and that is what she calls her ex. Because it came from a therapist, I thought it was OK to use. Sorry if I offended you. In fact, this is the first time that I have used this term EVER. I don't bad mouth their father in front of them. That is something that I have always taken pride in. My children came running to me in a panic on Wednesday because they knew about and were excited about the plans that I was making with family and friends for the weekend and they did not want them to be disrupted. I do not believe that I said anything about me wanting to prove anything to my children. When people do that, it only backfires on them. In fact, my children pressed me for information and I told them that this was an adult situation between their father and I that needed to be worked out between us.

The police officer that I talked to stated, "Your ex is filing charges, but he can drop the charges and stop the process". THAT is what I was talking about because that was what was told to me.

I'm not denying the fact that my actions were in violation. In fact, I expect to be convicted in some manner. What I am trying to say is that it was NEVER my INTENT to violate. I know that this does not make me innocent. I also thought it was odd how he quoted the specific paragraph and section numbers, as this was the first time EVER that my ex indicated that he wanted to follow everything to the T. Prior to this, we let each other know of our wishes for the holidays and we ALWAYS seemed to come to an agreement. It was usually more to his liking, but I was trying to be the better person. I let my guard down, thinking that we always seemed to divide the holidays equally in the past and thought that the same would apply this time. I was scared that he was trying to take advantage of my good nature. I felt lied to. THAT is why I could not recall the specifics of the agreement. Bad move on my part. Decisions, good and bad, are always made based on the information that we have (or think we have) at the time. That is what happened here.

I'm asking for advice on how to present myself at the time of court so that I don't make a mistake that could cost me. I am already aware of not bad mouthing in court; that is a no brainer. However, is there any other advice that anyone can give me? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

[Mom of 2]

@Scott Gem, thank you. This is the kind of advice I was looking for. I just want to make sure that other people will not make the same mistake I made.

@Fr. Chuck, you are so right and I wish that I could talk to him on the phone. Tt was recommended by the parent coach that if we were not following the parenting agreement to the T, that emails should be used to make sure that the changes are in writing. I have tried to talk to him on the phone, but he will not answer the phone when I call. Therefore, texting and emails are the best. Voicemails are deleted after an average of 14 days, whereas emails are in writing and offer protection against a he said/she said situation.

In regard to the text that he sent me back in September, he only stated that he would be returning the children to me on Wednesday the 23rd at 9 pm but did not make any indication that he would be picking them up at 6 pm on Friday. I assumed that I would have the rest of the weekend. We all know what it means to assume... I should have verified what I THOUGHT was obvious at the time, that I was to have the children for the remainder of the time -- something to the effect of "Am I to assume that you are telling me that I am to have the children for the remainder of the week?"

I am now officially done with defending my position, which I feel was inaccurately interpreted. I chalk it up to the fact that I was somewhat tired at the time of the initial post, so my word use may have been a bit more harsh than intended. With that said, I will make sure that I am well rested before going to court!

[ScottGem]

A couple of more suggestions. See if there is a law school in your area. Many have clinics that will help you prepare paperwork or form a strategy. You can also try to see if there are support groups for divorced parents that can offer advice.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Mom of 2]

Thanks, ScottGem! Great ideas and I will see what I can find out after going forward with your suggestions. I will definitely keep you posted.

I have used these boards before on other questions to see if there is someone out there who found themselves in similar situations. This has proved helpful MANY times. Like you said before, there is a risk that some of the answers that are received may not be the answers that were initially hoped for. It is apparent that I struck a nerve on this specific case and that was not my goal. I was wrong in not following the parenting agreement. Again, I WAS WRONG! Let this be a lesson for all of those out there, even if someone SAYS that they are going to do such and such, unless it is in writing, it don't mean diddly. It was again my assumption that my ex and I were continuing to work together. I guess the bottom line is that I feel hurt because this is not how my ex and I agreed in the past that we would conduct ourselves. I don't know why he was so intent THIS time of using the parenting agreement to the T because he never used it like this before. I was wrong in taking an assertive stand. Again, it is not important at this juncture to argue over the fact that my ex and I VERYBALLY agreed to work within the parameters of the parenting agreement and to make changes as the situation(s) call for it; it is now a he said/she said situation. I have no proof, but I do have integrity. I feel that if I am told something by someone, then I they will follow through with what they promised. The police officer told me that in his professional opinion, I should follow the parenting agreement to the letter. @Fr Chuck, you can bet that I will also be holding him accountable for everything in the parenting agreement as well. That's a shame because there have been times that I gave in for the sake of the children for different things and now I will have to stand my ground. Again, I will NOT try to use that argument in the court room because it has no bearing on the specific issue at hand. In the past I always gave people the benefit of the doubt more than I should and I have been walked over so many times. I thought that this was what was happening and did not THINK that he was suddenly using the agreement in this manner. Again, I am not saying that what I assumed was correct. I'm just trying to shed some light on why I did what I did. As Maya Angelou states, "When you know better, you do better."

In regard to the emails and the phone calls, ordinarily, I do check BOTH on a daily basis when it is NOT a holiday. In hind site, I SHOULD have checked my email that morning, but instead, I was more intent on celebrating the holiday and making sure that we were leaving on time. I had no IDEA that an email would even be waiting for me. I guess I'm one of those "odd" individuals who does not feel the need to check their phone every 30 seconds. I would rather give my full attention to the people whose company I am in rather than seeking the attention from a mechanical device or to see if I can communicate with someone who is not with me at the moment. I guess I still use my phone for what it is... A PHONE for when I NEED IT!! People miss calls all of the time, especially when they are not expecting one. Plain and simple, I did not hear it ring, so therefore it went to voicemail. So the fact that it sat in my purse all day without me taking it out is not unusual. However, from this point onward, I guess I will have to keep it with me at all times.

It is ALSO my hope that someone who is in the same situation as I am will LEARN from my situation. So if I'm criticized in someone's opinion that this is more like a blog, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to present as much of the picture as possible (albeit biased because it is just me and not him on here) and answer the questions posed to me. Every opinion is biased, even the ones with criticisms.

[Fr_Chuck]

I was in and out of court at least once and sometimes two or three times a year for 14 years over custody and abuse issues of my two older boys. From her abuse of them, to her deserting them and of course coming back all cured with a new husband of the month and back then courts always gave the kids back to her.

We had PI, once the court gave us custody but Texas refused to honor the order or do anything to help us get them back. I had to get them kidnapped out of Texas to get my custody back.

I was arrested for tresspassing for walking up to her door to try and get the kids on my visit time.

I was arrested for setting up the street waiting for them to come out so I could get them when I had a court order from MO giving me custody.

If this turns out to be a dirty play by the rule but I will try and change the rules every year type of custody, get used to this.

[Mom of 2]

@Fr. Chuck, I do remember you posting the difficulties that you had with your ex. I hope to GOD my situation will not get to be that contentious. At this point, I am comfortable with the fact that in the long run, I will find peace again. I will just have to bide my time and wait until both of our children are over 18. I'm going to let him make his bed and lie in it. I just got an email from him this evening (a couple of minutes ago, in fact), where he is dictating to me when I am going to have the kids, broken down by the hour. It is a lot of back and forth, which will be difficult for the kids. I just told him that if this is based on the parenting agreement, this will be what it is until 2018, flip flopping every year, with no room for negotiation, as I am not going to put myself in this position again. I've cut and pasted the email that he sent to me to show the manner in which he dictates "my instructions". It is almost as though this is a business deal! I of course changed the names to protect the, well, I would say innocent, but...

(Me),

Christmas(Extended Time) needs to be 30 days notice, so here is how I see it. The holidays are excluded in the break according to the parenting agreement. Following the parenting agreement. I am keeping the kids my normal weekend picking them up Friday 12/16, and having them Saturday 12/17, Sunday 12/18, Monday 12/19. They will come back to you on Tuesday 12/20 and you can have them 12/21, 12/22, 12/23. You can also have them Monday 1/2. This gives you 5 days of the break after the holidays are taken out. I will then have the kids 12/26, 12/27, 12/28, 12/29 and 12/30 I'll return them at 10pm on the 30th. That equals 5 days for me. In regards to New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. The agreement says I pick them up at 5pm New Year's Eve and keep them until 9pm New Years Day. I am willing to bring them back to you at 4pm on New Years Day so you can have some time on the holiday. This follows the agreement and gives us both time with the kids.
Equal time as I see it. After what has gone on I have no choice but to stick with the agreement.

Him

I CAN HAVE THEM!! Really? Not only does he not use their names, but it almost makes it seem like they are property, like a pieces of furniture.