[smilin_njyo]

I have been with my husband for over 6 years now, we have had our ups and downs just like any other relationship. However, in 2008 he committed a crime and now has a criminal backround. Despite the incident he was still able to keep his job. In 2010, I received an offer from my job with one stipulation--it was in another state. My husband and I spoke about the positives and negatives of me accepting this job offer. Our biggest concern was how he was going to get another job being that he has a record. We agreed before I accepted the job that it would be a big challenge but we agreed that accepting this new job would put us in a better financial situation and open up opportunities for my career.

It has now been 20 months since the move and my husband has failed to attain any type of employment let alone APPLY for any jobs. I understand the struggles of trying to get a job especially with a record and the hardships which come along with trying to explain to an employer why you have a felony. However, my husband has not even TRIED to apply for a job or even schooling. I have tried effortlessly to encourage and build him up so that he doesn't give up on himself or feel as though I am nagging. But, what am I suppose to do? It is getting difficult for me because I can feel myself starting to look at him in a different light because he has given up on himself. He is by no means a bad husband, he doesn't abuse me mentally/physically.

You may ask what he does with his time, well he plays video games most of the time and helps me with the daily chores when I ask him for his help. He will admit that he is lazy but it gets frustrating when I work from 6:30am-5pm, come home and cook than clean and make sure all our bills get paid on time. The list goes on but I really am trying to focus on the POSITIVE things in our relationship, but it is getting hard to see through all the b******. I am starting to question whether this is the same man I met and married 6 years ago. I love him dearly I just am not sure if I cann continue living with this man, he doesn't seem to have any ambitions or goals for himself anymore and I am getting restless with trying to help a 28 year old grown man 'find' himself. Im starting to feel like I am taking care of a kid instead of building a relationship with my husband.

Any advice is appreciated, sorry this is long I have just been needing some help for so long!

[Jake2008]

I don't know if there are any legal remedies, such as a pardon? Have you checked this out. And, was his employer willing to give him a good reference?

Without knowing more, it is hard to say what's going on with him. He may be misinformed about being employable, and might be thinking why even try. Or, maybe moving away is more of a loss in other ways- did he also leave friends and family? Sometimes agreeing to move does not turn out to be what you thought it would be. He did make a sacrifice by leaving his job, so that you could have the promotion.

But, all that being said, he won't know what he can do until he tries. There has to be more to this than simply being lazy. What would qualify him for work- does he have a trade or degree, and if not, because he moved because of your new job, would he have qualified for unemployment benefits, and through that maybe help with job banks, training etc.

If he has a good employment record, prior to his conviction, what is it about that, that precludes him from any employment. Is he using the conviction as an excuse to not find work, or is it realistic that he won't land a job because of it. Has he thought about being self-employed? Starting his own business?

I wish I could offer more, but the only other thing I can think of is that depression should be considered, and a checkup with a doctor might help.

[Bokica]

I am so sorry to hear that you are doing all the work. First of all, you need to talk to your husband ( not aggressively but try nice ) and tell him you feel exhausted working all day plus doing all the work chores. Tell him that you are not the only person in the marriage but there are two of you and you need to work like a team. From what you are saying he knows he is wrong and except playing computer games all day it would be better if he did some work too. My perception is if he cares about you he will start looking for a job at least part time or casual.If he is still not willing to do any work than you really need to think about do you want to live the rest of your life working and doing everything yourself and never enjoying.