[suicidallogsdp]

I've been thinking for quite some time now whether commit suicide or not. This is something people can't help me with. I'm 24 years old, the only son of a broken family consumed by distrust and hatred among people. I was born being aware of all the good things that my mother did for me, I grew up without my dad due to the cause of my mom running away from him because of his incompetence as a father and a husband, even so I am still aware of this fact even as a little child. Everyday since I turned 5 years of age I have been dealing with this depression up until now. I bored with my life that I find it my existence to be meaningless. I've been observing people ever since I was 4 years old, knowing what people do to find such reason to want to live. As I have seen all of our actions all concentrates for purpose of fulfilling or physical and mental health up to the point where society would consider our actions to be of the norm. Everyday we wake up, go to work, eat, sleep, get sick, get well, talk about other peoples lives, talk about our gigs, our boyfriends/ girlfriends, work hard to be accepted by other peoples standards and meet other people's expectations. All activities that I have observed and done all of it only boils down to survival. Is this the only reason why I should live? Just to do these things...

I can't even turn to my religion anymore.. I've lost my faith I've lost everything to believe in. I can't just rely my faith on a book that comes with different editions not with a bible. I'm tired of doing the same thing everyday worrying about common things. I'm tired of surviving. I hate knowing my capacity of doing anything to be limited. Everything's messed up! Right now I just engage myself to things that can make me die and wait for death to come for me. I don't want this life. I don't belong anywhere. I'm just sharing what I'm going through. Because for me, what I believe in is that you may put anti depressants for as long as you want even up to the point I die, but you can never find the cure. Bye...

[JudyKayTee]

I think you are posting here for a reason, whether it's to share, ask for help, something else. Is there anything in life that you enjoy? Is there anything you are good at?

I don't understand why taking depressants every day is upsetting to you. I have high blood pressure. It runs in my family. I've had it since I was quite young. I take medication every day and always will. It's one of the things I do to keep functioning.

I'm not going to give you the "what about the people you leave behind" speech. I'm sure you've heard it, read it, it's of little comfort to you in your current mindset.

Is there anyone you can TALK to, not just post on the Internet, actually TALK to?

[suicidallogsdp]

No. It would be pointless for they say the same thing. I can do anything if I want to, but I don't care anymore. Everything that we do everyday is pointless for me, why bother putting an effort into something if you're going to die someday. It may not be now nor today, but it certainly will be one of these days. I don't have to bother someone just to tell them things that they can't even comprehend. Even I know that anyone can tell someone about there problems and everything, but they will never care unless there's something in it for them, by nature we are selfish like animals. We only do the right things out of guilt or responsibility, even so... it would be rare to see such person who puts others first than themselves these days. For all I know I've been dead a long time ago. I've got a lot of near death experience, during those times I face death, it never occurred to me of being afraid to die.

[JudyKayTee]

If you don't care, don't have to bother to tell someone anything, believe "we" are selfish like animals, "we" only do things out of guilt... why are you posting?

You don't want understanding, you don't want to be comforted. I don't know what you are looking for.

Not being afraid to die and being suicidal are two different things.

[Wondergirl]

I am totally blown away by your ability to write so well and to spell "difficult" words correctly ("existence" and "depressant" and "incompetence" come to mind). Do you have a blog somewhere? I'd like to read more of your writing.

[suicidallogsdp]

I believe the term should have been losing your humanity. I for one don't care about other people lives nor what they think about me. I have lost my interest in living my life since I was a child, for now the only thing that stops me from doing so would be the thought of experiencing something much more than a bliss. Just to put my point for your understanding I am not afraid to commit a suicidal act. My only reason for posting these would be to know if someone out there who thinks much more deeply than I am about the reality that he now walks into, feeling helpless searching for answer that were never there in the first place. Hoping for changes that will never happen. (Example: In the Ironman 2 Movie; Howard Stark as Tony or the Ironman's father Says "I am limited with the technology that we have with our time") Pointing out that emotion of having no answer to satisfy you.

As I see it, I believe God do feel depressed by being alone so he created us and the angelic beings, with that being stated why would God create something that would only give him a headache. Since God is all knowing and all powerful it is justifiable that he knows what the future is no matter how it goes. Clearly, he enjoys watching mortal man go about their wars and that of his kingdom just create some moments to make his existence worth living, for all I know he can merely flick his finger and end everything. These would be one of my reasons I don't even turn to my religion for answers.

At some point I may want to know the reason why I feel so angry about having the inability to find my true purpose. Hey if I ask you, what is your purpose? Is it just waking up, doing all those crappy normal things that you do every single day. Have you ask yourself at what point in your life did you find your purpose, the only answer I'm expecting here that someone in the norm would say "I live for people who needs me", "I live to serve God", "I live for humanities sake". If everything is gone for you, everything is nothing. All you have are the stars the earth and you're alone in this world, Let's say there's NO God, What is your purpose? Do you have something for yourself? Something worth to live for?

It's hard to help someone who doesn't know what they want. I don't know what to believe in since God nor Science can't explain everything, right now all I have is myself this pathetic life that I don't even know what to do with it except to wonder about these matters. I hate being normal; your not special, you're just a human being. You eat, you sleep, you poop, you go to work and what not you on your normal days just pass it by until you get old and die.

I hate saying goodbyes.

[Wondergirl]

God do feel depressed by being alone so he created us and the angelic beings, with that being stated why would God create something that would only give him a headache.

Ah, but there is where you are incorrect. God created us good and perfect. WE are the ones who screwed it all up big-time to give him the headache. And that belief goes well with the rest of your philosophy, so am surprised you hadn't reached that conclusion instead of the false one.

[suicidallogsdp]

I never said that we were created imperfect in the first place, I was merely pointing out the idea that even God has these emotions that led him to create us to fill in the hole inside of him. God doesn't need permission to do the way how he wants things to happen be it dead or alive. That gives me the idea that humanity needs War to make the changes in the world we live in or to spice things up a bit. We all are victims of a biased system. It is also a fact that sometimes you need someone taller to put you on top of the chain be it on your job, politics or whatever hierarchy you know. Only through chaos or the time where no system being applied would you be able to distinguish the sheep from those wolves who wear a sheep's clothing.

[Wondergirl]

That gives me the idea that humanity needs War to make the changes in the world we live in or to spice things up a bit.

Nah. It's the testosterone. Look at photos and videos of who is out there waging war. How many women do you see?

[suicidallogsdp]

Honestly, none. Since birth. If you're wondering about having trouble socializing ~ I don't, it's easy for me to understand people. BTW I'm a guy.

[Wondergirl]

Honestly, none. Since birth. If you're wondering about having trouble socializing ~ I don't, it's easy for me to understand people. BTW I'm a guy.

Yes, I sensed the surges of testosterone.

Who has trouble socializing? Maybe those men in all the war photos? Allow us women to run the show and we'd be trading recipes, handing off our babies to each other, posting old high school pictures, recommending stores to shop at, filling in each other about sales, and giving each other child-raising tips. War would be the furthermost thing from our minds.