[malachi3131]

Hello everyone reading this, and thank you in advance.

I am now 22, and normally a quiet and thoughtful person. About basically two years ago, I met the woman that was almost love at first site for me. It was in a class I was taking, and after some attempts I got to date her. Long story short, we became a couple in a month or two. I admired her intelligence, confidence, drive, and many other aspects of her wonderful personality.

During the relationship, her parents never knew of us because she's Indian, and was afraid of their disapproval. Most if not all of my friends had moved before I met her, so didn't have anybody to really introduce her to, and as much as I tried with the family, it only happened once out of about fifteen attempts. In the beginning of the relationship I was the super man of faithfulness! I'm guessing because of her insecurities and previous relations with men, she thought it a good idea to still text dirty things to guys I'm guessing to feel validated?

Anyway, after multiple times of catching her in the act, she stopped and we developed further as a couple learning new and different things about each other of course. She was the first girlfriend I celebrated a birthday with (very sheltered younger life), she was the first woman that I went on a road trip, just a lot of memories there. She has always been a very independent woman straight from the get go. The only way I was really able to get some dependency from her was through emotional support which happened less and less.

I on the other hand always had stuff to happen, whether it was a broken down car, or family death, or someone in rehabilitation and other situations. No matter how independent I attempted to be, she always felt she had to save the day, which I constantly tried changing. When my family did meet her, they misinterpreted the dynamics of our relationship; they saw her calling me stupid as being a sign of disrespect, but to us it was playful banter. My mother kept telling me that it would probably end with me being the one with the heart break, while she was setting herself up for an easier transition. It pissed me off that she was right, wanted to show her that it wouldn't happen.

(Sorry getting off track) So, she graduated from the University and moved back home which is about two hours away. Since then, she has talked less and less to me and I felt like I was talking to myself almost everyday. Recently, she came to town and we talked and she broke it off. Weeks later she gave me a much needed explanation and said that she loved me, but she was fine being single and not together. Now that there is really no need for any emotional support from me (since nothing is really happening), she thought what was the point? I'm studying law, she's studied biology; my family is in another state and can't help financially, she lives with hers and can live off the financial stability they provide.

Just didn't seem to work out no matter what scenario was created. Now that we aren't together it feels like she only kept me around for the "emotional stability", even though she says she loves me, I don't feel it from her anymore.

I know it's naïve for me to think we will get back together, at least right now. I just don't know how to handle the relationship if I should be friends or leave her alone. Also, she was and probably will be my best friend, so to go from being together to single in two weeks flat was way quick of a transition for me. She's been able to focus on everything she wants being her career and whatever else, while I'm stuck in the reminiscent period, wishing I did something differently to keep her in my life the only way I've known. It got so bad for me, that I spent a couple nights crying to sleep (I don't cry!), and just unsure where to go from here.

Can someone please tell me how they dealt with a basically forbidden love? Do you move on, or do you stay in the place of hope? Now she talks about wanting to be friends with benefits, so either I have her as a friend and lose the only real connection we shared which was through intimacy, or I have to lose someone who has been a very influential part of my life.

Did I set myself up for failure from the beginning?

[talaniman]

Dude, life throws many challenges at us, obstacles to be overcome. You have wrapped your whole happiness around one person, understandable since she was your first, but now is the time to move on to better things, by building a life that you enjoy without her, with friends, family, and activities that make you happy.

You have to make those adjustments, to thrive, survive, and be happy. FWB's will only keep you stuck on her.

[pandead]

What really surprised me when I read your post was your ability to gather your ideas and make clear statements about the facts. You can read thousands of posts here, after a devastating breakup, we tend to write everything in a state of shock and panic. You actually seem pretty reasonable and able to think in a healthy way - which is the hardest part when you just got dumped.

She moved on, it hurts. You lost your girlfriend and your best friend, it hurts even more. But here's the secret : it gets better. She just gave you a chance to get your life back, to be the center of your world - to place yourself in HER empty spot. No one is expecting you to move on as fast as she did. Take your time to grief, make plans when you are ready and execute. What they say is true, we are alive as long as we hope, stop betting on other people, have your own hopes about your own life and I promise you, it gets better.
You will have ups and downs, it's normal, we are here to help if you need. I wish you the best of luck.

[mmresd]

What you do first is cut complete communication from her and start moving on in your life. The problem here is that you are not the priority, and seem to want more attention that they amount she is wanted to offer you. If she wants to be friends with benefits is because she wants to try a menu, not just eating the same thing everyday. You never stay with false hope and wait for something to happen, you take action and DECIDE to start moving on. Thank her for all the wonderful memories both of you created together and then start healing from this. You are obviously too emotionally involved even now to even start considering a friendship which is why I would recommend to stay as far away as possible for now, having sex with her will only increase that amount of false hope. Trust me, I have been there. Keep yourself busy, give it time, and you will be happy again. It may seem impossible now, but time heals everything, and remember that before you met her you were just fine.

[malachi3131]

Hello,

So the girlfriend that I've had for about 2 years broke it off with me about five months ago. She was great while we were together. We're two sides of the same coin, or completely different, yet the same.

For example, she has a family that is financially stable, supportive, she has a job that makes good money but doesn't have to worry about paying, she has always had it easier at making friends with people, and is very logical. Me on the other hand, my parents are divorced and mom's unemployed; I am supporting my way through school on financ. Aid and because of my ADHD I struggle with it every day; I work a full time job just so I can survive and pay bills, I have a hard time making real friends,and again the ADHD makes speaking and thinking in a logical manner difficult (don't make sense, I get the "that was stupid" look alot).

I wrote all that to say that even though we are so different, she has helped me in many ways that only made me love her more. Now we're broken up and she says she loves me, but she is happy being single; I'm still trying to get to that place but miss her a lot. On top of that she sends mixed signals where she will say she loves me, but when I try initiaiting the "I love you", she doesn't say it back. It is almost like she just wants me to stand there and say nothing.

I am trying to be friends with her, but not sure how long this is going to work for me also since she started talking about this dude that she thought was cute more than once, got me thinking "hmm, this is the second or third time she's talking about how cute he is...is she saying something?". I am trying to move on, but don't have the bro's here anymore so I have to make new friends, and all in all just battling it out on my own. Can anyone give me any pointers or anything since I'm real confused about what exactly is supposed to happen. Do I leave her alone, which she seems to not mind? Or do I try and move on completely which I don't know if she'd care or not since she once again confuses me?

Another thing, for new years eve we were supposed to hang out, I took the vacation day off a month in advance. The day before, she tries to not hang out with me, so I spent it alone. She offered to hang out with just me in the afternoon but I was pissed since it seemed like she was embarrassed about me hanging with her friends since she wanted me to go out with her and them, and now she wanted me to come during the daytime, plus drive myself 1 1/2 hours back home? Is it me, or is she being a total b***h?

[talaniman]

No guy, its definitely you trying to keep an ex in your life, instead of letting it go, and completely moving on, as she has with a new life.

I know its difficult, and it sucks to be alone, but you will never build your own life, or heal, unless you let her go completely.