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ebonydstressed · Nov 14, 2011, 06:05 AM

Hello, Recently my husband and I have been fighting about a problem that has developed. I have accepted a job and am now employed, I have not yet made a connection to my problem and my job, but lately, he is demanding to read my text messages!

We have had in the past week, perhaps 5 fights about that issue. I told him that my cell is my personal business and that I do not demand, nor have I ever read or searched his phone for any reason. I also told him that I trust him so there is no need for me to spy on him.

It seems to me that he thinks that only he will stay true and not cheat in our marriage. I feel that he thinks that 'I' will cheat and that's why he should keep a close eye on me. Personally it is offensive and frustrating because it makes me feel that he thinks he is better able to control himself than I am.

Trying to explain the friendships to him doesn't work either.I don't understand why he insists on reading my messages and emails. I'm not sure if he should be allowed to or not. He even went as far as to call a friend of mine who I chat with on the net and ask him "what relationship do you have with my wife?"

I had a text buddy I met last year who lost his cell phone, at the time my husband didn't like the guy texting me so when he suddenly stopped I was relieved! We chatted about many things, (his girlfriend, Jokes, School, and sometimes sex).

I have never cheated on my husband. My Text Buddy found my number a couple days ago, and started texting again and my husband demanded to read those texts, he said he won't get mad he just wants to be involved a bit so I let him.

And he saw an explicit text from my buddy that I did not yet read and has since been creating fights. I don't know what to do anymore, is talking to a guy on my cell or the net considered cheating?

All I want is to have a couple friends who I can discuss things with and have a little laugh sometimes. So what I would basically like to know is how do I deal with this? He is obviously jealous and this issue is just one amongst many.

He calls me continuously when I go out, he watches any guy who talks to me. From a man's point of view, please explain to me how he justifies this sort of behaviour?

JudyKayTee · Nov 14, 2011, 07:48 AM

I'll tell you from a woman's point of view - I would be VERY unhappy if I learned that my husband was texting a female about "sometimes" sex. This is emotional cheating in my eyes. Your husband found an explicit message and you don't know why he was upset?

How would I deal with it? I'd stop my inappropriate behavior.

ebonydstressed · Nov 14, 2011, 08:01 AM

Innaproprite behaviour huh? OK then I will tell my friends no more texting! I had already thought about his feelings in all this however the other texts were not sexual only that one. I had reached the end of the line with his constant snooping and accusations which were present even before I began texting. I made a couple online frinds because he won't let me have any other guy friends at all... I noticed you bypassed all the other information and went right at me for the texting only... What about the snooping and calling me repeatedly when I go out? Telling me who I should talk to and suggesting that I want to sleep with other men? What about his searching my phone and calling my friends? Should he be doing that? Is'nt his cellphone and my cellphone supposed to be private? Thank you for your input, I appreciated your response.

J_9 · Nov 14, 2011, 08:07 AM

I feel that your husband is justified in his concern about these texts. I would never EVER text another man that is not my husband about "sometimes" sex. You are wrong on every level and he has a right to be upset.

I have a few men friends I text, but my husband knows them all. I also have nothing to hide from my husband. If he wants to pick up my cell and read my texts he can. I don't care.

In the end, it's not your husband making you crazy, it's you making HIM crazy. If you want to keep your marriage you should stop this behavior. No "chatting" to men with ANY sexual undertones. If you need someone to "talk" to, find a woman you can text/chat with.

ebonydstressed · Nov 14, 2011, 08:17 AM

Thank you. I have already decided to stop texting. I made that decision last night.. . Now will someone please address the other issues.

J_9 · Nov 14, 2011, 08:19 AM

What other issues Ebony? They all seem to center around the texting or chatting online. Am I missing something?

ebonydstressed · Nov 14, 2011, 08:32 AM

Somehow, I think that anything else I say about my husband in a negative way will only serve to make me appear bitter after the text issue so I think it is best not to leave this subject. Thank you both for your responses and take care.

Jake2008 · Nov 15, 2011, 06:39 AM

If you are saying that this jealousy issue can be solved by stopping texting, it likely won't be.

I'm curious to know if he's been jealous to this extreme, prior to the recent few months you speak about. Has he always been this way, and during your marriage, has he shown this 'trait' all along, and it has just been made worse, or seems worse, due to the texting thing.

He wants to read your email, and checks up on you all the time are signs that, are hard for any person to justify. He may think of you as 'property', and as such, he has some right to treat you the way he does. You 'belong' to him, therefore so does everything you say, or do. Whether justified (in his mind) or not.

There has to be a reason, why he would pick up the phone and call a stranger and ask what his relationship is with you, his wife. I would have died of embarrassment had that happened to me, and I was not guilty of anything.

When jealousy reaches the stage where you are faced with dealing with his insecurity, that insecurity issue, is what needs to be addressed. The controlling behaviour is an extension of the insecurity, and the text(s) are 'proof' that have, I think, continued to fuel an already burning inferno.

If you do come back, I hope that you will give a little more information about your history with him, and whether his jealousy issues and actions are recent, or something that he's shown since you've known him. Has he ever addressed any of this, and taken responsibility for creating this rift in your marriage? Would he be willing to attend counselling with you?

ebonydstressed · Nov 15, 2011, 05:55 PM

And I don't think so either, You see, he has been this way for many yrs now. He says that he loves me and that's why he married me. We discussed the texting issue this morning and I apologized. I told him that it was innocent and according to the responses I got 'the person involved in reversed situation' he was justified in being angry! I hv since then stopped texting. He seems fine and all has automatically gone back to normal as if it never were. I now understand his dellema with the texting, but I caught him going through my emails again last night before I apologized. He checks up on me often, calls me repeatedly when I go out (shopping or with friends), he found 'this'page and accused me of talking about him with strangers! He checks my phone, he argues about sex , my emails,he doesn't want me talking to any guys even if he knows them. We fought once because he thought this guy was interested in me and he even still doesn't like the guy. He says his jealousy is a sign of love and he wishes he doesn't love me as much and that another woman will be happy to have him! I've been dealing with this for a number of yrs gradually trying to change his interpretation of me and us as a couple. My marriage is important to me so I try greatly to improve our relationship. He also said to me in a recent argument that I don't need to work or go back to school because he is prepared to take care of me.. I am seeing all of the signs of possessiveness here. And the two times that I suggested counseling he refused he said that no-one should be involved in our personal business except us! And that if our counselor is a woman she will take (bias) for me and my side of all the arguments.. I apologized this morning, went to work and it's like all is forgotton, never had such a relationship before so please advise.

See my problem is the effort I put into our relationship and change is only temporary.

ebonydstressed · Nov 15, 2011, 06:06 PM

Please read both respones, His jealousy has increased since I started school, I have never cheated before and never did. The texting (though in-excusable) is new. And it's been at least 5yrs since his temper is increasing and our arguments escalating. Our daughter wants us to stay together and so do I so adise is welcomed. We have been married for 8yrs and in a relationship for a total of 11 yrs! I really really really do love him and know that he loves me too and would very much like to know what other approaches I can do to fix our relationship.

JudyKayTee · Nov 15, 2011, 06:11 PM

You have never cheated BEFORE?

Before what? Are you saying you've cheated now? I thought that you thought that the sex texting wasn't cheating. Or am I missing something?

If so this is different from your initial post.

How to fix your relationship? Talk to him - you live together, share a bed, have a child, have ups and downs like every other couple, have concerns - he's the one you should be talking to. If he'll see a counsellor, take that route. If you think you perhaps could use some guidance, go by yourself.

He also can't argue with himself and cause an argument to escalate by himself. I'd walk away before I put up with an escalating argument. Come back later, when he's calmed down, and try again. And again. And again.

DoulaLC · Nov 15, 2011, 08:45 PM

An occasional jealous moment is one thing, but this is far beyond that. His chronic, extreme jealousy is not a sign of love but of his insecurity and need to keep things under his control. You have addressed the texting situation, but there is much more that needs to be dealt with.

I would find a male counselor, if that is the only way he will go, and get started with receiving some help. If he still won't go, go on your own. This is not something you will be able to change on your own, as he does not see any problem.