[onedayatatime84]

Hi all,

I've got a situation on my hands and would love some feedback (in fact, I'm in desperate need of it right now!)

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 1.5 years, and we also live together. Toward the beginning of our relationship, I made a stupid decision: I had a coffee with one of my exes (who I will always consider a friend rather than an ex� since we were friends for years and dated for about a week) Anyway, I ended up leaving our get together early, because it was clear to me that he wasn't supportive of my new man. So I left!

Long story short, my boyfriend found out and made a HUGE deal of it, and still brings it up all the time. The ONLY other contact I've had with an ex without my boyfriend being present was a work-related message I sent to my long term ex (we broke up four years ago!) and it was COMPLETELY platonic. Those are the only two occasions where I had any contact whatsoever with my exes.

Flash forward to now my boyfriend still has trouble with it. I get the feeling that he thinks I had a LOT more contact with my exes than I actually did and that I was somehow interested in rekindling something with them. This is ABSOLUTELY not the case, I love my boyfriend terribly and if I had feelings for another I would be real about it. But, I don't. Not even a little bit!

I let him know how terribly sorry I was for meeting with an ex� to have coffee several times. (I can put myself in his shoes and understand how that must have made him feel, even if my intentions were 100% platonic.) However, my boyfriend is still pretty good friends with a few of his exes. He still hangs out with one of his exes on the regular, and hangs out with other girls (goes to movie, dinner, etc.) I know I can trust him, so I don't freak out and tell him to have a nice time.

So this morning, he was driving me to work and I was talking about a friend of mine who is getting divorced. This friend of mine had at one point traded sexually explicit emails with an ex while she was still married. I expressed how I felt about the situation, and that I would be heartbroken if anyone ever did that to me. Then, my boyfriend got quiet and weird and after some silence said, Yeah, whenever the girl I'm seeing starts talking to exes I just go talk to random girls and don't tell her about it. He didn't say I love you or kiss me goodbye like he normally does either.

Guys, this stuff makes me insane in the membrane! My questions are 1. Is this a huge double standard? I had one face to face meeting with an ex for 15 minutes. He still sees an ex of his on the regular (and probably others). He still gives me grief about the 15 minute meeting! And 2. Have I committed a huge foul? I heard him when he told me he was hurt and haven't sought out contact with any of my exes. I don't speak to any of them anymore (nor do I have the desire to!)

Thank you,

Hurt and confused

[Cat1864]

If I could get one bit of clarification, please. It may seem like I am nit picking but it gets confusing when details seem to change. You mention having coffee with an ex one time, then you say that you apologized for having coffee with him 'several times'. Which one is it?

Yes, he has a very big double standard. He is insecure and making his problems yours. That is extremely unhealthy in a relationship. You should be able to talk to friends whether they be ex you dated for a week or one who you have business dealings with once in a blue moon. You can you talk to strangers or other male friends? How much of your life do you have to change to adapt to his needs while he does what he wants?

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about his double standard. Don't ask him to give up his friends (even the exes), but do point out that you are not putting up with his insecurity any more. Either he learns to trust you or you will have to walk away. You cannot live your life being concerned that he might get upset because you got a work e-mail from a kindergarten crush. Is that how you want to live? Do you want to have to worry about what you say about someone for fear of his reaction?

Quite frankly, it sounds like you may have learned more about his thoughts and feelings from his one comment when he dropped you off than perhaps you realize. I think you need to sit down with him and ask him what he meant by saying, '... whenever the girl I'm seeing starts talking to exes I just go talk to random girls and don't tell her about it.' I think you need to find out how he defines 'talk' and why he thinks it is okay for him to 'talk to' (does he mean 'chat up'?) random females because he is insecure and can't control his reactions long enough to talk to his girlfriend.

Loving someone is not always enough to build a relationship on. Trust, communication and compromise are also needed. You may love him with all of your heart, but that may not be enough. Does he love you and want to build a relationship based on being equal partners or does he want to build one based on control?

What do you really want from this relationship? Do you think you can find it with him?

[onedayatatime84]

Great advice, Cat! Thank you so much for replying... to clarify, yes, it was just once that I met with the ex mentioned, and I apologized several times for this one meeting (the most recent time I apologized was a few weeks ago even though the incident happened over a year ago!) Maybe it will sound weird, but I have a hard time facing the fact that he may be controlling... I will approach him about the comment later, but I have a feeling it won't go well.


I want this relationship to be based on mutual trust and understanding, and I never get the benefit of the doubt when things seem fishy to him, even though I always give him the benefit of the doubt when things seem fishy to me.


Thank you again for your advice, that is a lot to think about.

Cheers,

H & C

[Cat1864]

You're welcome.

Good luck and remember that we are still here if you need advice on anything or want to get a second opinion.

May things work out for the best.

[talaniman]

You seem to have put up with a lot from this fellow, and when you have had enough, you will stop allowing this behavior.

When you cannot make good adjustments, or resolve issues through honest communications, then what's the point? Not to be harsh you have not been as honest about this whole thing because he should have been told a long time ago that past issues will not be used against you, and he better get his a$$ in gear, or get gone.

I have a low tolerance for repeated bad behavior, seems you don't, but really should too.

[mmresd]

I think that the way your boyfriend is needs professional conceling before he can get over those issues. Normally getting THAT upset about minor occurrences of this manner is a way of being. It may be created because he might not be as loyal as you are and therefore is afraid that being that way is impossible. That is why he keeps a close watch. You need to make a choice, do you wish to stay with someone who is like that, because he is not going to change, if anything it might even get worse. Or you can break up and start fresh with someone who loves themselves a little more and is not afraid of losing his girlfriend at all times.

[onedayatatime84]

Thanks for the feedback, all. I've been thinking about it, and I really believe that sometimes he gives me a hard time about events from my past (mostly events that happened before we were together) to make himself feel better. I've heard him say as much before during one of his rants about my stupidity in choosing partners before we were together(i.e.: "If you did THAT, then anything I've done can't be that bad..." Right now I'm in this crazy place where I am just WAITING for him to bring it up again so that I can let him have it. It needs to happen, it needs to be talked about, but we both skirt the issues rather than really resolve them because, for him, he always has to be right, and for me, I'm afraid of his ridicule and disrespect when I have something to say that doesn't line up with his reality.

I know what I want: to be accepted and loved for who I am and where I am in life. Maybe it sounds harsh, but the second this comes up again with him refusing to acknowledge that I am an equal with real feelings, he gets the boot. I don't see any other way to move forward if the double standards and holier-than-thou-isms prevail.

[Just Looking]

I'm not sure why you are waiting for him to bring it up again. Why not be proactive and take charge of your life? If he ridicules and disrespects you, it is time to find a better solution for yourself. What you want is totally reasonable and is no less than you deserve.

I allowed myself to be in your position once when I was in college. I can't tell you the relief I felt when I had had enough and moved on. I think you are hoping things will get better, as I did. They only got worse until I wouldn't take it anymore. I experienced a large growth in my confidence and feelings of self-worth after making the move. I encourage you to do what is right for you.

[Fr_Chuck]

First don't be sorry for something that does not need to be sorry about, You have friends and should be free to have coffee or meet for lunch from time to time, and talk about old times if you want to.

This is his problem, not yours, do not let him push it back to you.]

But I will agree time to clear the air, get things said directly, if he did not kiss you talk about it, if he does not like something, time to directly discuss it.

[onedayatatime84]

My boyfriend has recently started counseling for these issues... I know where they come from, too. I had a pretty candid discussion with him recently about the fact that he is projecting these issues on to me. Often when he is frustrated or depressed, I can't tell if it's about me or if he is upset about something else (namely, with family drama.. ) I told him very frankly that he can talk to me anytime about what's going on with him and also that it doesn't really work in the relationship when he just wants everyone to "leave him alone" and treats me poorly even though my intentions are pure. He will eventually come around when these things happen and apologize for being an a$$, but until he does, I have a hard time not making it about me. I myself went through some pretty hectic family stuff last year and I was very open with him about it (I would make it a point to tell him that I was upset or depressed and that it had nothing to do with us, just issues with my family.) Sometimes when we talk I feel like he hears me and he gets it that he is lashing out at me because he is hurting. But other times, the recognition vanishes and we are back at square one. I'm trying to take care of myself in this relationship, yet it's hard for me sometimes to understand that what is going on is NOT about me (whether or not he says it is!)

[talaniman]

I can understand wanting to help a loved one, and the frustration that comes when you cannot. Your choice is to keep spinning your wheels, or let his behavior confuse you. He can hardly help you understand anything can he, because apparently he doesn't understand himself.