[Miss Croatia]

My Mom passed away from terminal cancer which she had fought & beat for 8 years. My Mom was the strongest woman & most amazing Mom in the world. My parents, married over 40 years & still so in love, immigrated from Croatia & had my sister (40)
My brother (34) and me (24). Being the baby of the family, Mom & I had the most time to spend talking and learning and laughing with each other. I don't havea husband or family yet, so she was my everything. We live 8 hours away from each other but I made surprise trips to see them every couple months. I moved home to take care and be with my family, we're all so close, she was in & out of the hospital the last few months, but the tumor inside her was unbeatable this time. Ancer took my best friend away from me on January 10th where I held her with the rest of my family and watched her take her last breaths. I will never forget how helpless and uncomfortable she was. She didn't want to leave us. I don't think I'll ever recover from her leaving me. I need her still so badly. I feel like half of my heart died when she left. How will I ever heal?

[RubyPitbull]

Miss Croatia, I noticed your post remained unanswered and did not want you to feel ignored. First, let me say how sorry I am over the loss of your mother. This is a serious issue that you have brought up and I think a lot of people are afraid to venture into it because it brings all sorts of mixed emotions. It also brings with it the general feeling that no matter what we say or do, there is no way someone in cyberspace will be able to help you cope with this. Most people have a tendency to turn to friends and family and not strangers. So, we become fearful that we won't be able to get through to you. I hope I can help give you some tools to help you cope with this a bit better.

Your question is "How will I ever heal?" I know that it is hard to believe this now because you are still early in the grieving process. You will eventually heal, but you will never completely heal from this. You had a very close bond with your mother and there will always be a little piece of you missing. This is pretty much how it goes with all of us that have been through it. Have you heard the expression, "Time heals all wounds?" To a certain extent, this is very true. Time, along with our memories, have a way of allowing us not to feel the intense pain and suffering that comes with both birth and death. When a woman gives birth, immediately following the birthing process, most women yell -- "Never Again!" or something along those lines :), because the physical pain of childbirth is extremely intense. Yet, most women, within a few years, have another child! The memory of that physical pain lessens over time and the emotional need to have another child overrides that memory. Although death is different, the emotional pain can be quite as intense as the physical pain of childbirth. Each of us handles it differently.

Some people are able to move on with their lives without feeling the pain as intensely as others. Some of us are barely able to drag ourselves out of bed in the morning because we are so emotionally drained and the hurt reaches down deep to our very core. We each take the time we need to heal and eventually get around to the business of living our lives. How long it takes is up to the individual. We never forget the person we loved. We always think of them. That is how we honor them and know that they made in a difference in our lives. That is the mark that they leave upon the world. But, each of us that has experienced this loss, recognize at some point that we cannot forget that we are alive and we need to follow the path that was meant for us. Rationally, you know that your mother doesn't want you to spend your life depressed and missing her. She wanted you to live your life, get married and be able to experience the joy that she experienced in her life.

It may take you a year or two to start having those intense feelings of loss start to heal. It is a very gradual process. One day you will just realize that although you miss your mother, and you will the rest of your life, you won't feel as heavy hearted as you do now. It took me 5 years to get to that point after I lost my husband to cancer. I still love him and miss him every day. But, I recognize that I am here and I have an obligation to his memory and our life together to continue on my life's path, where ever that may take me.

So, my suggestion to you is to keep your good friends as close as you can. They are the ones that help you get through the most difficult of times. Good friends are what makes the life we live worth living. Make it your business, at least once a week, to go out with a girlfriend and do "girlie" things. Go get pedicures and manicures together. Go clothes shopping. Go see a silly movie. Grab a bite of lunch or dinner together. Go to the gym. Do the things in life that you have always enjoyed doing. And talk. Talk about anything and everything that is going on in your lives, work, gossip, stories, political events, movies,.

I hope this has helped you a bit. It is very difficult to solve anyone's heartaches with a few kind words. If you feel that you are really having trouble coping, I do recommend that you seek out a therapist. I finally did when I realized I was having so much trouble moving on and my therapist helped me tremendously. I do not know where you live, so I am attaching a link that will give you a list of therapists in your area by their specialization.

Psychology Today: Find A Therapist

Again, I hope this has given you a bit of understanding as to what you are going through and what you need to keep yourself going.

[J_9]

I had to spread the love Ruby, but what you said was perfect.

Miss Croatia, I too am sorry I missed your post. I would also like to extend my condolences to you on your loss. Loss of such a wonderful person in your life is heartbreaking to say the least.

I am not as eloquent as Ruby, but I want you to know that this too shall pass. Just know that she will always be watching you. Her strength will be there for you when you least expect it. You will always carry a part of her with you, that will never change.

As for the pain, it will never cease completely, but it will subside, only with time.

Ruby gave such wonderful advice, please read it over and over again and follow what she says. She has such wonderful and beautiful insight.