[lifehouse1991]

When I was five years old, I was sexually abused by my oldest brother, this abuse went on throughout several months, I am now 20 years old, I am gay, and I have never trusted anyone enough to have a relationship.

Two months ago, I finally met someone and I have began falling in love, but three months ago, I finally 'spoke up' and told my mum and my dad, in confidence, what I had went through as a child. My emotions were on the table, and I was, and am still, a wreck, three months later. I cannot seem to close this door on my emotions, and it's slowly destroying who I am.

I have dropped out of college, I have pushed away my friends, the only thing making me happy is my boyfriend, he is the one thing that has kept me here for the past few months. I recently decided to confront my brother via text revealing I had spoken up, thinking this would give me some kind of closure, I was wrong, it made it worse, and I began breaking down.

I don't sleep due to nightmares, I am constantly in tears, flashbacks, and I am just emotionally exhausted, I have no clue what to do any more. My brother has since involved the police, saying I am mentally unstable, and has begun fighting back, saying my allegations are untrue.

My parents want me to take him to court, but all I want is my life back, and I fear I will never be the person I once used to be due to telling my parents and re-opening this door from my past.

How do I move on? How do I close the door on one of the biggest demons from my past? I really do not want to be here, I feel ashamed, I shower over 5 times a day, scrubbing my body, hoping I will not blame myself for what he did, I want to overcome being a victim and figure out how to be a survivor.

I feel so alone, broken, like my soul has been ripped from the pit of my stomach, I just do not want this life any more.

[CliffARobinson]

Good for you that you started the process of getting past this horrible injustice in your life. It robbed you of your innocence and trust, making it darn near impossible for you to experience joy, happiness or the ability to love in a healthy way - and, you are NOT alone.

Unfortunately, what happened to you has happened to many, many people, and I know how much emptiness and destruction this type of abuse creates throughout someone's life - providing they don't own it and let it go.

You are starting that process. And, it is not easy. You WILL feel like it is happening all over again. Your nightmares are common. The utter fear and terror is returning. This is part of the process. Get to a licensed psychotherapist immediately to provide you with the support you need.

I cannot stress enough that you are NOT alone. It isn't your fault. You will get better. You will.

Thank you for deciding to reach out to us here. Please, keep talking to us.

[Fr_Chuck]

You don't close the door, it is part of your life and will always be with you some.

What you want to do is move on. I would strongly suggest professional counselors. This is not something often you can do on your own, At least support groups.

Also build a real life with friends, not just a boyfriend.
You are building or setting yourself up for complete failure making one person the focus of your entire life.

[QLP]

Just to say I have walked in your shoes, or some very similar. Find a professional counsellor and you can work through this. You are at the worst part of the process, but you can move through this to a much better place, and with some help you will. I did. Many others have. You will too.

We are here for the journey.

[xolainne]

Samething to me I was once rapped by my uncle when I was 9 years and still last year he did the samething to me and he said I know that he love me verymuch and why must I not accept it because he love me, always after he rapped me he will left me with one word "don't tell even your friends about this"

It is difficult to accept it but to you please you are lucky to find someone who manange to speak for you, but the next step is to get more advise so that you will be strong and your situation will go back to normal. For me is difficult because I don't know who I will tell because I don't even trust my friends on this. Please just get over it.

[NASCAR511GUY]

I too myself had a similar acount. It did not involve my older brother, rather a next door neighbor boy. I was 7-9 and he was 11-13 if my memory is that good. We fooled around quite a bit. I have little recollection except for us doing things. I do not remember how it happened. I believe this is what has turned me on the gay path. I have had sexual relationships with females, but it just doesn't seem to cut the mustard. I have never had sexual experiences outside of this with another male. But I recently found out this person is engaged to a girl and this leads me to believe the encounters we had were of my doing. I am slowly coming to realization that I am into guys with a hint of girls. I have not had contact with this person and wish I could just to get better details of our encounter but am afraid he will blame it on me. I think the worst thing you could have done was contacted your brother about it. If you had a good relationship with him before, I would have left it right alone. But now you have opened a can of worms that is going to be hard to reseal. I know its hard to say and may be hard to accept but I would leave it alone. Either that or see a therapist. When I get the funding, that is what I'm going to do. Because I'm not "out", and I need someone to talk to. If you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me. I will send you a message with my email.

[NASCAR511GUY]

Sorry, can't send a message on here... Hmm. And I don't want to just put my email out there. Reply to me and we'll go from there, if you indeed want to talk.