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topgun1969 · Nov 2, 2011, 06:47 AM

Hi everyone, I have a little dilemma. My partner is 44. She thinks she is old, and undesirable. She also thinks she needs to sleep with other men, and enjoys the thought that other men want her. I am always telling her she is beautiful, and hot, and sexy, but she says I am biased she wants to go on dating sites, and have men pursue her. I am not that comfortable with this, and feel insecure. Any ideas on were I go with this would be great to get some help.

mmresd · Nov 2, 2011, 10:43 AM

First, you need to draw boundaries in the relationship, if one exists. Second, you need to tell her how you feel about the choices that she is wanting to make. Lastly, you will have to accept her decision, and if you are not good with the terms she wants to follow, you will have to let her go and pursue someone that will accommodate or preferably wish the same things you do.

talaniman · Nov 2, 2011, 11:26 AM

Tell her date and screw anyone she wants, then dump her and disappear. Sounds cold, but better than being cheated on, and played a fool, by someone trying to justify bad, unnacceptable behavior.

I wouldn't be insecure, I would be furious.

topgun1969 · Nov 2, 2011, 11:45 AM

Wow so there is no way I can make her feel more secure about herself so that she may not have to go there. I love this woman and don't want to lose her but I am not a fool and can see that I may anyway its just a bit hard.

Cat1864 · Nov 2, 2011, 12:15 PM

Let me preface this by saying that I am a 45 year old female who may feel old at times but who doesn't need anyone other than my husband to enhance how I feel about myself.

You can't make her feel anything or accept how you feel.

If she doesn't feel beautiful and sexy to herself, then no amount of reassurance or attention from other people will change how she feels.

I suspect that she is using her age and how she 'feels' as an excuse for bad behavior. If she knows how you feel and still thinks this is acceptable behavior in a relationship, then she isn't thinking about you or what you are trying to build together. You may love her, but she doesn't appear to love you or possibly herself.

Do you want to stay with someone who sees you as nothing more than a stand-by and puts more importance on what strangers think than what you show?

talaniman · Nov 2, 2011, 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by topgun1969

Wow so there is no way i can make her feel more secure about herself so that she may not have to go there. I love this woman and don't want to lose her but i am not a fool and can see that i may anyway its just a bit hard.

I know its hard when you are stuck on someone that's not as stuck on you, who needs more than we can give them. Its damn hard. It sucks. But you can do better and losing someone like this is a blessing in disguise.

Just be honest about what you will tolerate, and what you won't, and stick to it. No one wants to lose the one we love, but they should at least love us back, right?

topgun1969 · Nov 2, 2011, 07:10 PM

Thank you for your answers. It seems there may not be much hope for us. I have had long and meaningful conversations with her recently and she tells me that she doesn't want to lose me and will not stray and then on the other hand says that she may hurt me and she wants me to let her have a fling every now and then and of course allow me to as well not sure why it sucks a bit.

I have my kids invested in this too -- it's a shame she is such an awesome lady great with me and great with my kids. She's just a bit screwed in the head maybe because of her ****ty 17 year marriage before me. Anyway I may just bide my time and see what happens and look for somewhere else to live in the meantime.Maybe it's a case of if you love something set it free; if it comes back its yours etc etc.

topgun1969 · Nov 2, 2011, 07:14 PM

Threads merged

Do they work?

Fr_Chuck · Nov 2, 2011, 07:18 PM

For many people, they do, for most they don't.

talaniman · Nov 2, 2011, 07:24 PM

Just curious as to how long she had been spit from her marriage did you guys get together? How long have you been together?

DaniCalifornia · Nov 3, 2011, 04:07 AM

I've never fully understood open relationships.

So, you consider yourself WITH this one person, but are performing the same acts - sexual or otherwise - with other people too. That isn't a relationship at all to me.

X Dani

phillysteakandcheese · Nov 3, 2011, 09:11 AM

I think of an "open" relationship being for people that mindfully separate love, emotion, and sex.

The person stays emotionally connected to their partner, and does not consider sex outside the core relationship to be a problem.

It's an easy thing to say, but much more difficult to do in practice. Hence - It works for some couples (at least in the short term), and not at all for many others.

talaniman · Nov 3, 2011, 02:46 PM

After a commitment is made, and the boundaries of good behavior defined, they can work, but a relationship where this option is thrown in later can hardly work, unless you BOTH agree to the changes.

For me, no way after we start that bonding/commitment process.You better figure out fast if it works for you or not, and express either yeah, or nay, because later may be too late.

topgun1969 · Nov 7, 2011, 11:33 PM

Thanks think I maybe giving this relationship a miss very soon she is way to unsettled for me comes from being in a de****ed 17year marriage before me wow have I made a big mistake moved in with her and all has been great but she keeps going on about being caged. Well you live and learn sucks.