[aaangelica]

Please help me! My fiancé of 15 years and father to my two children has been staying up late every night watching what he always told me was normal porn, but every morning the history was switched off my computer so I thought the worst, maybe he was talking to someone else.

Anyway, last night I came downstairs and took the laptop off him before he could disable the history and found he had been looking at transsexual porn for the last hour! He swears on his kids' lives he was just curious, but because the history was always deleted I don't believe him.

He doesn't want us to end and I don't want our kids' lives to be ruined but I'm all over the place now!

He has never given me doubt in terms of his sexuality as he is a lady's man and is highly sexed, but he says because we haven't had a lot of sex lately and my sex drive is lower, he has become addicted to watching porn sites and that what I found out last night was merely that he was curious!

Do I believe him? Please please please help me as I have no one I can discuss this with!

[Wondergirl]

I'm not sure what your definition of transsexual porn is. Do you mean lesbian porn, or porn that involves both genders who may be both gay and straight?

[JoeCanada76]

No matter what kind of porn it is. My feeling is that there has been this thorn of a porn issue on your side for a while.

He always told you and opened to you that he watches porn. So should it really matter what kind of porn it is. Porn is porn.

So do you not want him watching porn anymore, even though he has all this time? Would that help matters.

Not thinking this should be cause to break a family apart but whether you believe him or not. Should not matter. There is a great issue here. The porn.

So do not make a big issue about what kind of porn it was. Honestly borrowing trouble where there should be no trouble.

You admit that your sex drive is lower then normal. He has always had a high sex drive. Just because he may be looking at porn that you feel uncomfortable with does not mean that he is going to have sex with other people.

Like I try to reassure many couples and married people that just because somebody is looking at porn does not necessarily mean that there is anything wrong in the relationship.

Does not mean that partner is going to go out and have sex with other people.

Porn is more about visual looking, and fantasies that usually are not acted out in real life with other people.

[CliffARobinson]

It is possible that he IS just curious. The problem with porn on the internet is that after awhile, if someone is using it a lot, they can become desensitized to "vanilla" acts portrayed in video, and will begin to occasionally seek out the more niche subjects because they are considered "forbidden", or "extreme".

For the record, when you say transsexual, in this instance, you are talking about participants who make themselves look like women, but have male genitalia, correct?

Personally, I would treat this as he states, a curiosity, for the moment. I would start to focus on why the intimacy has reduced in your relationship. I am not talking about intercourse, so much as intimacy in all of its forms.

Intercourse is not the only form of intimacy. Have you considered having quiet, 1:1 time with him and exploring what intimacy can mean to the both of you? I think this would be more beneficial in the long term than worrying about what sort of porn he is watching.

(Not to say porn addiction doesn't exist, and, women find their partner to be gay or bi through similar experiences, but, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and work on the 800 lb gorilla in the room - loss of intimacy).

This is just my opinion, and a couple's therapist is the best method of helping get to the root of intimacy issues.

[pandead]

I agree with Joe on that one. As women, we are more into feelings and the spiritual/intimacy side of sex when men are mostly into the visual part.

No matter what they say, people do watch porn and you are lucky to have a man who will admit it (many won't.) I think it's healthy for a man (or an adult in general) to watch porn every once in a while - BUT every night seems a bit exaggerated, maybe your sex drive is lower than what you think. Consider talking about it with your fiancé and maybe find other ways to spice up your sexual life.

As for the nature of porn, it doesn't matter as long as it's not something really uncommon or illegal. We all are curious / need to feed our imagination (that's why the porn industry exists in the first place and is one of the biggest e-industries today) it doesn't mean he is attracted to women with male genitals, it just means he watched a movie with transsexuals in it. It's not a reason to end a happy relationship.

[guitarteacher18]

My advice is,
Have sex with him if your so uncomfortable with him watching porn.
My theory is, if a Guy goes so long without sex his sexual interests grow more perverted. Its kind of a dumb theory, until you think about it

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, first he was open and told you he was watching porn, you chose not to stay up and watch it with him and take part in it with him. Perhaps help him with issues while watching it at times. Porn can be a couple activity. Next one mans porn is another persons pervision I guess. But he never lied about watching it, the issue is you have limits on what you consider OK to watch. He is not out with anyone else, he is home with you,

So he is watching porn and taking care of his self because you are now having a low sex drive and not having sex as often with him, That is actually normal. So he watches things you don't like, sorry, it is his sex time since you are not part of it. And he is doing it pretend on line at home.

Sorry you should have stayed off his computer and out of the issue unless you want to be part of the sex time with him. And most likely not addicted just using it as a substitue.

So I honestly don't see a problem, other than you wanting to make one out of it.

[talaniman]

Talk about it, and get it all in the open without making demands or promises niether of you can keep. That's what I expect a couple of 15 years to do. Resolve their issues through honest communications. Why worry over something with out all the facts, or just come out and tell him you are insecure, and need reassurance.

[theranger]

Let the porn thing go. Everyone deserves their privacy. It sounds like he is being open and honest with you.
Maybe you are feeling insecure. You don't mention why you are not having much sex? It sounds like you came down to try and catch him out. Do you trust each other? Maybe you need to try and get closer without the sex? Sorry, don't mean to sound preachy!! Well done, fifteen years together.

[smoothy]

Cliff... what you described is considered transvestite (guys dressed up like women) AKA drag queens... and there is that out there. Transexual porn is guys... normally very effeminate ones that May have had Boob jobs... or be taking estrogen and grew some naturally... dress and act like women... but still have the guy parts us guys are so protective over. I.E. they haven't had the biggest part of the surgery... IF they plan to get it. But also women on Testosterone that in some cases can be very convincing as a guy... but still have the girl part below the waist.

I agree... most likely curiosity... Its like driving past a car crash... you are glad it wasn't you... but you still can't help but slow down and look as you drive past.


And about the addiction part... geeze... get over it already.. every breathing guy alive (that is not gay) likes to see naked women. Are you addicted if you watch chick flicks, or soap operas?. don't claim that's any different because to a woman those are exactly the same as porn is to a guy.