[JoeCanada76]

There is no reason to remove the thread. It is important to get advice and seek it. You needed better ways to handle this situation instead of always making a situation out of the words. Maybe if you do not focus so much on this it might work. Focus on the positive.

Take care, and remember this thread and posts might help a whole lot of other couples going through similar situations.

(;

[Wondergirl]

Wondergirl's word advice 'control' will help too. I always thought about self-control, but it's easy to lose self-control when irritated so much. However, control brings other ideas to me - like control the situation, more than thinking self-control. I'm really believing he might have some sort of glitch where words get 'stuck' in his mind. I don't know, but I think I can cope better now.

Ah, good for you. I didn't go into any detail about "control," but it sounds like you have allowed your mind to play with that word and all its permutations. Good girl!

The brain is a marvelous organ, but when it's tired or under stress or simply aging, it can cause a person to say upsetting or puzzling things or present strange or sometimes scary behaviors. If my retired husband DOESN'T get eight hours or more of sleep every night, he is a beast the next day, hyper, defensive, all out of sorts. If I DO get eight hours or more of sleep at night, I am groggy and like a limp dishrag. So you can see, we spin and reframe often at our house!

[JudyKayTee]

It's long been my experience (I'm an investigator, I talk to lots and lots of people) that men and women who talk endlessly about how terrific THEY are (in one way or another) or how terrific THEY were (usually when it comes to dating and/or sexual relationships) are telling me what they want or need to hear, not what I want or need to hear.

Maybe the husband is simply insecure for whatever reason.

[askmehelpandme]

Hi Joe,
Just to clarify and to fill in some more gaps; but it's hard as I could write a book by now about it, but it would be boring to read, I'm getting bored listening to my own voice about this now - my husband is the one making the situation with words; it's not me, I promise. I have ignored them until I'm nearly blue in the face wanting to scream at him. This is how it started: He and I had a brief 1 minute conversation with 'Jo' (Jodene), in passing, when we were out, (six months ago), with no issues, just a brief conversation where she said innocently "cheeky aren't I?". Husband and I go home. Straight away he rings his son in law DAVE, and says "What do you know Joe"? I felt a bit gobsmacked but I didn't say anything. Two days later his daughter visits my husband and I, and around the table we mention someone called Sam (totally unrelated to anything to do with this). She looks at me and asks me "isn't Sam's mother Jo? I say, "no, Sam's mother is Kim and she died quite a few years ago" (which is true). She says, looking at me, "Oh, I must be thinking about someone else?" - she was trying to get me to comment about Jo I think. I decided to keep safe and not comment but I was puzzled why she brought Jo's name into it (when Jo has got nothing to do with Sam). So I thought my husband must have said something to her to mention Jo to me. So it felt like she was just trying to get me to comment about Jo but I couldn't figure out why. Soon after that I told my husband that a friend of mine wanted to knit a babies cardigan but the wool would be $50 so it was too dear. He said "oh, like a sloppy Jo?". But babies don't wear sloppy Jo's as far as I know. I didn't fuss about it. Then we visit the daughter's house. His first question to grandchildren "what do you know Joe?". My husband and I go to buy his grandson a Tshirt. His comment when we were choosing "it's like a sloppy Joe". Well Tshirts aren't sloppy Joes that I know of either. I let these comments go but I felt they were excuses to say Jo to me. Then every day my husband started saying different people are 'cheeky', the neighbours, people who do a u turn in front of him, even if it wasn't dangerous, they are "cheeky, cheeky, cheeky people". Every day he finds a reason to say cheeky, Jo Bloggs, sloppy Joe etc. In this country sloppy Joe isn't even a used word that I know of, let alone frequently used. My husband and I went out for coffee, me in the passenger seat. In the car, without saying a word, he pulled over to be curb on the left. There was a woman sitting at the bus stop there. My husband looked at her, caught her eye, smiled at her, and then drove off again. No word spoken to me. I was baffled, stunned really. He kept driving and didn't say anything about it. Fifteen minutes later I asked why he stopped at the side of the road. He said "I was going to take the side road but wasn't sure I could drive straight through". It puzzled me because he knows the streets around here like the back of his hand and I wasn't sure I believed him as he is always quick to tell me which route to take somewhere. I didn't fuss about that either. We walked into a department store. Immediately he pointed to 3 women coworkers chatting. He pointed and said "see those women over there?" then he proceeded to the counter to ask something. I waited for him to finish his statement and he told me to go and buy some shoes. I went off to look at shoes and I didn't get to hear the rest of what he was going to say as he didn't finish. We went to his grandson's school when he got an award. Instead of going straight to the hall where the awards were given (straight in front of us),my husband took my hand quickly when he saw a teacher leading a group of children around the back of the school to the same hall (the long way). It didn't help that the teacher was female and we were basically following her and children; it felt quite odd to me.
I have these experiences all the time and have never figured them out - can you see why we have so many misunderstandings? He is a very clever man but he gets mixed up with things like horizontal/vertical etc, which is no big deal but it does lead to misunderstandings. He makes up for a lot of things with the effort he puts into things though.
Joe, I'm just trying to fill in some more gaps otherwise I will get misunderstood again. I have never been with any person before and not understood where they were coming from or why certain behavior was done.
I had wanted to remove the thread because my husband would take this as 'gossip' about him. I have printed it so I have got some good information to help.
Wondergirl - control - take back control of myself / don't let myself be controlled. Control what I allow to affect me.
JudyKay - I'm sure my husband is insecure (probably 2 prior divorces adds to that insecurity) and I'm working on Joe's comments to be positive. I just have 3years of 'stuff' behind me so I have to control what I allow to affect me.
Thanks guys.

[JudyKayTee]

I hope you want an honest opinion - I think you are dwelling on all of this unnecessarily and in great detail. Honestly - I'd let it go. Perhaps if you are/were less interested, had no comments or opinions, his focus would change somewhat. Or there's the other option - "this is not open for discussion. I don't want to hear about it."

I simply would refuse to be drawn into the conversation. "Who cares" is also a good answer.

[Wondergirl]

I'm wondering if this all has to do with his brain's aging. My 66-year-old husband has entire conversations in his head and then sees me and says something that makes no sense to me, yet is part of a conversation he's been having in his head. He then proceeds to get upset with me because I have no idea what he is talking about and ask for the backstory.

Husband (out of the blue): So you'll get one for me when you're at the drug store?
WG: Get what?
Husband: What I need.
WG: What do you need?
Husband: Haven't you been listening to me?

I wonder if your husband gets a word stuck in his head (like we sometimes do with a song, an "ear worm" they call it), and then unconsciously injects it into future comments and conversations.

[JudyKayTee]

Oh, WE have entire conversations and then I'm the only one who recalls the conversation. It's called, "You never told me that."

I think it's a male gender thing.

Example - husband goes to his house yesterday to rake leaves (his daughter is living in "his" house while we live in "my" house). We have entire conversation about daughter and grandchild coming for dinner, that's why I'm cooking prime rib, what else to have with the prime rib, does grandson need a booster or can he sit at the table, be back before 6 because dinner is at 6:15. He gets to his house, daughter is out shopping with grandson. He gets home, daughter arrives right behind him - he's shocked to see her. What is she doing here?

Banging my head against a wall.

[Wondergirl]

LOL, Judy. We may have to turn this thread into a wives' support group.

[askmehelpandme]

Bingo! But Judy the detail is to give you guys the idea of the frequency - I don't need to dwell on it because it comes back to me with regularity daily - more than daily, but I will try not to dwell on it as that is your honest opinion and I appreciate that will help. When Wondergirl said 'control' I thought, yes, I can control what I listen to and made myself extra busy to not hear his every word. He said cheeky just once yesterday - a friend phone and he told me to tell her about the cheeky people we met. Wondergirl - you just hit the nail on the head with 'conversations in his head', and I get the leftover bits that I have to make sense of - yes, I think it is the aging brain, it definitely has to be. Yesterday I was hemming 3 pairs of new trousers for him so he decided to take care of the roast after asking me how to do it. We printed off a simple recipe of Jamie Olivers topside roast which I told him I would put it on the bench for him when he needs to check. It was - put the veges and herbs in the oven dish, drizzle with olive oil, drizzle olive oil on the meat and rub in with seasonings. I thought he understood but left the recipe there anyway for him to check. He came unstuck after peeling the veges and honestly I think he forgot that I had especially put the recipe there for him to check. It's "what do I do now". I had to laugh to myself because when I showed him the recipe again, the look on his face was "oh that's right, there's the recipe you printed". He's a loveable man that's for sure. Then I asked him to iron out the hems later when I was finishing sewing the last pair and he returns the trousers to me with a bit of blood on them. I look and look for blood on my fingers - no I'm not bleeding anywhere, and he's not bleeding anywhere, and he bleeds a lot sometimes from scratching his arms a lot. So Ididn't figure that one out where the blood came from. Then he checks the sewing machine out to see if there is blood from me pricking my finger with the needle. He said "I heard you say 'ow' before". Two hours before that I had caught my finger in the hinge of my glasses and it pinched - but definitely no blood on my fingers, and the blood on the trousers was fresh to touch. Another baffling one! I even wondered if he got blood from the roast on it - but I didn't go there.
About the roast - he did a good job altogether, but we decided topside is tough meat. Judy I get what you meant about the dinner arrangement - these kinds of things happen here too. Well, then, it is probably best not to overtalk about this - as it will then look like picking on him for small things. What I wondered is if he has 'echolalia' - which is repeating other peoples words - a type of dementia. But you guys are great - thanks for your experiences - it sounds like you both have my husband. It's good to know some things are common.

[JudyKayTee]

I wonder if he has some form of anxiety and finds comfort in repeating the same words or phrases over and over. There's a word for that - WG is the expert and I'll bet she knows what it is.

Sort of safety within his zone?

[askmehelpandme]

Judy, yes, anxiety - probably over aging, not sleeping well needing to go to the bathroom at night, keeping me awake etc.

[Wondergirl]

Let's trade husbands for a week, and I'll diagnose yours like I've diagnosed mine. :D

Could be little OCD or stress from sleep deprivation or a few brain cells dying off. My money is on you and how well you are going to handle it.

[askmehelpandme]

Wondergirl - you have made me laugh - it does lighten it somewhat - I think you are right - it does depend on how I handle it - I can handle it better if it is aging etc. - poor soul, that can't be helped, and me - I have pre-menopause, so that's a tricky mix I suppose. If it was deliberate though, that just rankles me as it would mean he was doing it for nothing. Yes, possible OCD as he is obsessive about a lot of things - if someone mentions a song/singer that is familiar to him he will search his music collection to find it and he won't give up until he does even if the other person says to him "don't worry, it doesn't matter", they can say that over and over to him and he will keep searching until he either finds it or is satisfied that he hasn't got it.
I have been helped though to get opinions from both yourself and Judy - very sensible and I appreciate not having been jumped on as I want what is good for him but I was feeling manipulated? So I wasn't going to allow that to continue - but mostly I wanted something up my sleeve to handle the situations that happen all the time. I appreciated Joe's comments too - good to hear a man's opinion - how men and women have obvious differences in thinking.

[Wondergirl]

Don't forget -- women are the ones who are right.

[askmehelpandme]

Haha - I wish he could see it that way - but the perceptions are different. I'm going to make a super effort to try and reduce his stress and be helpful/useful to him. I'm so thankful you guys didn't jump me when I felt things were going down the gurgler. I have ammunition to work with now that you people feel it's not a serious marriage issue.

[Wondergirl]

Please keep us informed with how it's going. We'll share our marital stories with you in return.

Aren't you glad you found us?? (Joe is my Internet "nephew" and Judy is a long-time Internet friend, so you're in good hands.)

[JudyKayTee]

As far as trading husbands - I know what I have, right, wrong or different. I don't know what I'll be getting.

I'll pass.