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Wondergirl · Oct 30, 2011, 02:31 PM

It sounds like he is so comfortable with you that he does, indeed, treat you like another guy at times. What if you followed along with the flow of his comments, as I said "bought into" where he seems to be going?

I suspect he simply wants validation for being able to pick out a pretty woman. Playing along with him to some extent and then skillfully steering the conversation elsewhere, might give him all the validation he needs. I'll give you a "for example," if you want.

askmehelpandme · Oct 30, 2011, 02:36 PM

Joe, no I am not going to play games with him as I know that he has enough to deal with now with his health etc. That is what blows me away too though, the fact that he has health issues and can still come up with this behaviour with all that going on, but like you say it is not new. I do seriously think there is something else with his health too because I know his eyesight is failing him somewhat and twice he has pointed out to me something that isn't there - once a dog on a boat - when I looked at the boat there was no dog, and once a tractor in a forest - when I looked there was no tractor. So not sure if it was eyesight or something else.

Wondergirl · Oct 30, 2011, 02:47 PM

It's heck getting old, so he may be trying hard to be who he was in his prime (old habits die hard), yet his body is failing him.

Be very observant, but don't question too deeply or correct him (as with what he says he sees) and thus put him on the defensive. Play detective for a while and let us know what you're finding out.

askmehelpandme · Oct 30, 2011, 02:59 PM

Thanks for staying with me Wondergirl, I never tried that "buying into" before because I thought it was not right behaviour , but I do get you - I always thought that was encouraging them to do that, but I will definitely keep that up my sleeve and might give it a try when I come unstuck. He is defensive at the moment - in another room sulking or something, or struggling maybe. I always have to make the peace and it looks like I have to do that again. Yes, play detective - I have done a bit of that. Sadly, what has also happened is that his family members are also repeating these same words when we go there about every two weeks or so, and I mean they are also playing on the words too - I don't know if they are trying to help him overcome the situation or trying to embarrass me (his daughter and son in law) - it has been like this for quite some time and it is very uncomfortable for me now to even go there. That's the blank bits Joe asked me to fill in. So that is why I also think it might be deliberate on his part. Man, the psychology of it all. When I am with his family I don't say anything at all when they do it because I feel that he shouldn't really have involved them in the first place. It's OK for his daughter, she will always be his daughter so it probably doesn't matter to her.

Wondergirl · Oct 30, 2011, 03:04 PM

I'm guessing they see him as an aging but beloved man who is trying to maintain his persona of who he was when younger. I'm betting it's not to embarrass you at all. Don't see shadows where there aren't any.

Any time you're ready, I'll trade you in-law families. The family I married into has always had some very interesting psychology going on.

askmehelpandme · Oct 30, 2011, 03:07 PM

I am hoping you are right that he simply wants validation for spotting a pretty girl, and he is I think desperately trying to hold on to who he was and says he is working really hard for the marriage - he also does a lot around the home, helping with household jobs, when he can, so he is still capable in many ways. I noticed yesterday that as he was pouring soup into bowls though that it was spilling down the cupboards and he didn't seem to notice. Aging is not nice.

JudyKayTee · Oct 30, 2011, 03:08 PM

Originally Posted by askmehelpandme

Wondergirl he has so many strengths - hardworking - so much so that he has done damage to his shoulders - a lot of concreting, painting, DIY jobs etc. and he is very friendly and loving mostly. As Joe said, I'm wondering if it is a 'communication' style, but one I don't get. I'm sure there are medical things too - diabetes is one. And no, he doesn't like being 'helped' - sometimes he jokes calling me mummy, but I can't stand by and not help him when he does need it. He is fiercely independent, used to doing many jobs for himself and other people and now he really needs to slow down and relax a bit for his own health, but he still has projects on the go all the time. Definitely not a lazy man by any means. His body fails him sometimes and he is very tired from poor sleeping and I am very tired from his poor sleeping.

My late husband was diabetic - swings in his blood sugar often caused a level of confusion or, occasionally, bad judgment.

Is that what you are asking about?

Wondergirl · Oct 30, 2011, 03:11 PM

Ah, good, your detective hat is on already! Just clean up the messes, but don't scold or even point it out. My husband leaves drawers and cabinet doors open so it looks like the kitchen has been burglarized after he leaves. I regularly mop the floor and cabinets where he stands to prepare his food. Don't ask me about the stovetop.

Praise your husband with honest compliments when you can.

askmehelpandme · Oct 30, 2011, 03:27 PM

JudyKay and Wondergirl
Now I'm laughing! Because my husband leaves the cutlery drawer open and spills the coffee onto the cutlery - simple solution would be to close the drawer before using the coffee, hmmm, a man thing! I think I have just got my sense of humour back. Yes, JudyKay, thanks for that too, I had forgotten that the sugar can cause mood swings and confusion. And Wondergirl, as for the family trying to help him keep his persona - THANK YOU SO MUCH! I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH for these comments, you have just probably stopped me making a very big mistake of wanting to pull out of going to their home again as they are lovely people and he needs to see them and his grandchildren of course. You can probably tell I have bottled all of this up, but a problem shared is a problem halved as they say, and I now feel I have something up my sleeve to help. JudyKay, I must not forget those mood swings and confusion might just be something that has been acting against him. Sorry for any negativity here, I usually am so positive, and I now have ammunition to work with and trust me you have all helped me now in a huge way.

Wondergirl · Oct 30, 2011, 03:33 PM

Please feel free to come back any time to post more questions and just to vent. If nothing else, we can trade stories of what husbands do that drive us mad! Maybe we can even start a club...

It's up to you now to spin this in a positive way, keeping in mind his medical challenges. Reframing will keep you sane.

askmehelpandme · Oct 30, 2011, 03:35 PM

Human beings - we are so complex aren't we! I am going to print these comments so that I can remind myself to keep my sense of humour and do my best by my struggling husband - THIS MUST BE THE BEST ADVICE EVER - maybe it was worth waiting three years to seek advice because now I have it and I think I can achieve it (AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T WANT TO DIVORCE ME NOW for how I have been reacting to him).

Wondergirl · Oct 30, 2011, 03:38 PM

I'm glad you're glad. Keep us up to date.

This sort of thing is why I spent three years in grad school studying psychology -- and have always enjoyed public service jobs. I could keep you up all night with stories of people I've met while working in libraries. How unique and interesting each one of us is!

askmehelpandme · Oct 30, 2011, 03:43 PM

Yes, spin it I will, and I will keep helping him with his medical challenges, even if I get called 'mummy'. I better see if he is OK as I have been here for ages and you must have been too Wondergirl - yes, he is a beloved father and I always loved that about him and I want that for him too. You must have a wonderful insight into some human frailties and what can be done to help, and I have just learned a new verb - reframing - thanks for that, it makes me think I need to do it often. All the best with your own husbands, sorry I have not been as helpful as you have been to me today, and I want to practice it.

Wondergirl · Oct 30, 2011, 03:46 PM

I've been spinning and reframing for at least 44 years. It becomes an art and second nature. I'm guessing you'll be good at it too with your open and joyous spirit.

askmehelpandme · Oct 30, 2011, 04:19 PM

Thanks again for drawing me out to give you something to work with - I really appreciate you putting up with me in here. I have printed off the advice and now wish I could delete it from the world's eyes because I think it is probably unique to me - is this possible?

Wondergirl · Oct 30, 2011, 04:28 PM

It's hardly unique to you. You'd be amazed at how similar people's stories are. How do you think we counselors manage to untangle them so quickly sometimes? The plot line is usually the same; only the names are different.

In fact, someone else with a similar husband problem may be Googling right now, looking for some help for her marriage, and will stumble across this thread -- and be so glad to find it. See, you are doing a public service!

askmehelpandme · Oct 30, 2011, 04:41 PM

Yes, it's just the family I don't want to stumble across it - but if they do, then at least they see the other half of the story from my side. The plot line with the different names - that's so funny as I just couldn't imagine any other wife suffering the same thing of playing on a word 3 or 4 times a day every day - I thought I had just a very stubborn husband until I thought hmm! Maybe alzheimers or Picks disease is one that I googled - but I'd rather not go there for now unless it becomes obvious that it is something like that. As for me, I'm reframing thanks to you.

Wondergirl · Oct 30, 2011, 04:53 PM

The plot line this time is "control" -- think about it.

And I spent about $20,000 to learn that word "reframe," but you got it for free. And you can reframe so much in your life in order to keep your sanity. It's amazing how well it works.

JoeCanada76 · Oct 30, 2011, 07:01 PM

The thing is for me. There are times that I tell my wife I find this or that girl attractive. She will tell me she finds somebody attractive or even asks my opinion about how a girl might look. We are comfortable with each other and know that it is quite normal to be attracted or like the way other people look. Then again, you mentioned how he has always been around women and feel comfortable around them. There is nothing wrong with that. Just because there might be an attraction there does not mean that anything will ever happen. As you know yourself.

As far as the family repeating words too, do you think they know of the issues or is this something the whole family naturally does, as you say he has done it from the start?

You are very right humans are very complex. You just never know what is going on, on the inside.

There seems to be lots of things going on with him and thank you for opening up more about the situation because obviously you got helped out through the discussions with Wondergirl and Judy which is awesome.

So glad that you are getting help in how to deal with this situation and that hopefully your outlook will change. Focus on the positive aspects of your husband. He sounds like a good man.

Also would like to add the sleep deprivation can do a lot to people as well. Body wise and personality wise. Independence is a very good trait but not always a good one when you never take care of yourself properly.

Good luck with everything and wish you both the best. Thank you for coming here seeking advice. Hope you come back and let us all know how things are progressing.

askmehelpandme · Oct 30, 2011, 11:52 PM

Hi Joe
Yes, I think the family know, as my husband has gone away from the house upset twice in about the last year for about 3 hours when I asked him why he is repeating same words over and over and I snapped at him because I had enough at the time, and usually if he goes anywhere apart from the other places I'm aware of, it will be to his daughter. For about the last year (not previously), when we went to her house she and her husband would bring up these words 'silver', 'cheeky' a few times each time we went there (2 weekly about), so I felt they were doing it on purpose as it was in front of me and my husband but my husband wasn't saying the words. Hmmm! I still don't know and I forgive them if they were simply trying to support my husband in his difficulty and I didn't react to them as I thought my husband put them up to it.
Anyway, today my husband assured me it isn't deliberate and made mention that he is 'getting on' in years and I apologised to him where I might have hurt him knowing as I do how much physical pain he puts up with.
I wouldn't mind Joe if my husband talked properly about women we meet, as you said you do with your wife - I just get baffled with the name-dropping constantly and it made me think that Jo must be on his mind because it comes out his mouth so much after we just talked to her, and it could carry on for a year, but he isn't talking about her as such, he just puts the word Jo into his conversations with me. The last time we had a disagreement and made up he went straight into the word 'cheeky' within 5 minutes and I just confirmed to myself that it isn't going to stop and sometimes he says it just before I'm going to go to sleep. Today when we made up he hasn't so far said it so let's see if he says it just before I do go to sleep tonight. Sleep deprivation! That is the both of us now because he also snores loudly and sometimes we bunnyhop different beds to get some sleep - he has sleep apneoa to a lesser degree. I will continue to support him and he has been and is a wonderful support for me, yes, a good man definitely. Now I have ammunition to help - Wondergirl's word advice 'control' will help too. I always thought about self-contol, but it's easy to lose self-control when irritated so much. However, control brings other ideas to me - like control the situation, more than thinking self-control. I'm really believing he might have some sort of glitch where words get 'stuck' in his mind. I don't know, but I think I can cope better now. Thanks Joe, I now have something to work with and hope like crazy it is not dementia related as he is too wonderful to put up with that too. I will relax with it as I feel better already. I do wish I could still remove the thread as he would be very upset again to realise I had been seeking help here, but for now we are OK - thanks heaps!