[acciosnivellus]

All right, so around this time last year, I went through a long, drawn out, messy breakup. Needless to say, I am fully healed and my own person again. I'm definitely ready to explore other people, but not necessarily get heavily involved.

I met this really great guy with whom I connected effortlessly, and we've become really good friends. He made it very clear that he does not date any more and just has friends with benefits. I'm in my last semester of college, so getting emotionally involved at this point probably isn't the best idea, since I will be leaving soon.

The thing is, everyone around me is constantly gossiping about his reputation with fwbs and tell me to stay away from him because of this. He doesn't treat me like a piece of meat. He doesn't pressure me to do anything I don't want to do. He's exciting, he's fun, he's enticing. We have so much in common. And he's made it very clear that if I'm not comfortable being sexual, then he would still love to be just friends. He's not just after me to get some action.

I went to a Halloween party he was throwing and was planning on crashing at his place. Everyone throughout the night kept telling me to stay away from him anytime he'd approach me. They wanted me to go home with them when they left. It was starting to really annoy me. I'm almost 23 years old and I'm pretty sure I can come to my own decisions.

It's not like everyone's gossip is about how he's a liar or disrespects or pressures women. It just boils down to the fact that he favors non-committed relationships. I just want to scream out that MAYBE I'm OKAY WITH THAT? As long as it's safe and consensual on both ends, what exactly is the harm?

I have a blast with him and we get along so great. He drives me wild. I'm a person with a lot of anxiety and stress, and he is the exact stress reliever I want right now. I'm getting fed up with EVERYONE around me acting like a parent. I understand that they're just looking out for me, but it's starting to drive me insane.

How should I deal with this situation? Part of me wants to ditch the whole idea just to save my own reputation, but I don't want to end it. I wish people would just act like adults and respect each other's privacy. We have been secretive about the sexual part of our friendship, but even the fact that he and I hang out is enough to get people talking and riled up. I'm sick of it. Input?

[tickle]

Quite probably the people who are against your relationship with this man may be jealous?? If you are comfortable with the guidelnes he has set out and I must say, he is being upfront and honest about what he wants, just as long as you don't get emotionally attached to him. Do you think you can maintain 'friends with benefits' attitude toward him? That is the big question.

I wouldn't be concerned about opinions of others, you are certainly old enough to know your own mind and from the way you put this post across, definitely mature enough to handle it.

Tick

[JudyKayTee]

Tell "everyone" what you've just told us.

[Fr_Chuck]

Everyone will not like something anyone does

[Jake2008]

While I agree that at your age, you are an adult, and free to make your own decisions as to who you choose to have a sexual relationship with, I'm not sure what you are asking.

If you are looking for input as you said, is it more to do with how to handle the negative reactions of your friends, or is it more to do with confusion over why people are concerned about what you are doing, or is it you have some reservations yourself with the sex only relationship.

If you are mature enough to enter into a sex only relationship, you should be mature enough to see why people have concerns, especially your friends, and those that know of his track record.

Your friends are concerned for your safety most likely. Things like STD's for starters.

If you have reservations yourself, you are wise to listen to the nagging questions you likely have, or will likely have, as you become more involved with this man. It isn't exactly a new concept that the coined phrase 'Friends with Benefits' is alive and thriving. For what its worth, relationships of this nature, usually have unbalanced expectations, regardless of how non committed both parties are, or say they are.

There have always been men who sleep around with any willing female. And there have always been willing females, hoping that the sex will result in something- companionship, a possible 'friendship', someone to talk to, have fun with, make them feel wanted and valued, etc.

But, have you ever noticed that it's not usually the other way around?

And, do you think that giving of yourself in the most intimate way, is a precursor to anything but disappointment, and heartache? Is it worth the risk? Are you being completely honest with yourself in thinking that agreeing to his terms, that you will benefit equally? Or will the needs and wants of your 'friend' be met, but at your expense.

And what if he develops feelings beyond the bedroom, for you? Are you willing to accept that he is a person that can ever maintain fidelity with one woman? Is this a person you would trust to have a loving, long term relationship with? Would you dump him like a hot potato when he became emotionally interested beyond the sex? (As he would most likely with you... )

If short term basic sexual gratification with a few laughs is all you are after, and you can settle with the consequences, my advice to you, is to be prepared to learn, the hard way, that it probably wasn't a good idea in the first place.

[tickle]

Jake, you raise some good points, especially the one about b/f developing feelings outside the bedroom. What if?

Tick

[acciosnivellus]

Thank you all for your answers. Jake, you bring up a lot of great points. I've never done anything like this ever before, so you're right I am taking a risk. I don't know if I'll get attached or if he will. There are a lot of "I don't knows" here. I've been trying to "live in the moment" rather than think ahead, which I understand isn't the smartest thing to do. However, I'm not exactly afraid to learn things the hard way, it really sends the 'lesson learned' message home. I've been through so much the past year, I feel like I can handle whatever may happen with this. I'm very strong now. I am mature enough to understand their concern, but I am starting to feel like there is a boundary that they are crossing. I hardly know these people at all, so a concern from true friends would probably feel more genuine than taking 'demands' from acquaintances (yes, I'm sure they mean well, but one warning would have been enough, not yelling at him to get away from me when we only hugged as a greeting.. ). I just feel like my personal space is being invaded. I'm very introverted and private and having so many people I hardly know in my business is really driving me up the wall. I guess fwb relationships come with this package though? Not sure. You bring up a lot of points I admit I haven't put much thought into. I keep telling myself since I only have a month and a half left here, how much harm could this do? I don't know, knowing myself if things get too much further out of hand I'll just call it quits. That tends to be how I handle "drama"- too much and I'm out. Again, thanks for all your responses.

[Jake2008]

In some ways it seems like you are testing yourself by living in the moment. Maybe coming out of your shell more, or you're strong enough to take on risks that you weren't before. Or, that your time there is limited, only a month and a bit that you'll still be there- time to let loose a little bit?

Being out of one's comfort zone is usually a good thing. Experience things you thought you would never do, or open yourself up to new experiences that you would never have thought possible before. That's not a bad thing. For some of us it's learning a new skill, or even being more social.

But, balancing the risk realistically, is the key. I want to go skydiving, but I know I'd love the experience of free falling toward the earth, but I'd never take the risk, because there is a possibility that the chute won't open! (seriously)

I wouldn't really gain anything from skydiving, except bragging rights, and the satisfaction of having survived it.

So, what would you gain by, and more importantly, what would motivate you, to take a risk with 'friends with benefits' arrangement. The first thing I see is that this is out of your comfort zone, not only because it is something new to you, but also because the rules are not your own. To have contact with this person, would mean playing by his well established rules. Included in his rules, are not to be involved more than superficially, and the agreement to have sex for sexs' sake. Nothing more, nothing less.

You open yourself up to this experience, but because it is new, you have really no idea how things will go. Even if you could handle all the possible consequences of encounters with him, what will it become in the end. I'm not sure that what you would gain, would satisfy your need to prove to yourself that were strong enough to take the risk in the first place.

As to the continued hassle with friends and strangers over this, yes, I think it is part of the package. Had they not said anything, and you didn't know of his reputation, or he hadn't told you himself how he operates, and you slept with him, only to find out afterwards that that was all there was to him- would you be more inclined to wonder why they didn't speak up before it happened?

[JudyKayTee]

I read this over again and these words are the very reasons this man is exciting, dangerous - and has women convinced friends with benefits is a good idea - "He doesn't treat me like a piece of meat. He doesn't pressure me to do anything I don't want to do. He's exciting, he's fun, he's enticing. We have so much in common. And he's made it very clear that if I'm not comfortable being sexual, then he would still love to be just friends. He's not just after me to get some action."

We've all met men like this. Some are just better at the game than others.

[Jake2008]

How very, very true.

[acciosnivellus]

What I would gain from this... well, before I finally left my ex boyfriend, I literally did not think I would be capable of feeling ANYTHING towards ANYONE else. This thought terrified me and kept me going back to what was familiar- my horrible ex boyfriend. I really thought I was at a dead end and I would have to settle. It sounds silly now, but it was very worrisome to me back then.

So this new guy is almost a validation to me. It tells me "Yes, I can be comfortable with someone else. Yes, I can be attracted to someone else. And yes, I can want to be intimate with someone else." I'm not saying that I'm not over my past relationship, I most definitely am, but I just feel like I'm finally starting a new chapter. The new chapter I've been daydreaming about and brewing in my mind for months and months is finally happening. I've made so many new friends, including this "special" friend, obviously. In my mind, taking this risk of getting hurt is worth the validation it brings.

And about him playing the game well... I just keep going back to the thought that, besides the reason I described above, I want the sex just as bad as he does. I hope no one judges me for admitting that. I'm not being sexual with him just to keep him interested, it kind of boils down to the fact that we're friends, I want sex, he wants sex. I certainly would not 'hook up' with anyone who offered, but when I feel a certain connection with someone I know they were meant to cross my path for a reason- whether it be a big reason or a small reason.

He DOES have game though- he is certainly a lady's man. That is something I can recognize and we discuss often. It's not secret, I'm just choosing to play along and he knows it. None of this affects our friendship though. We met through a club at our school and we play videogames together often, along with other friends, so our friendship was established through outside hobbies.

It's very possible that my head is in the 'spontaneous' clouds right now and I'll come crashing down, I won't even deny that, so I do appreciate the thought provoking responses from you all.

[ScottGem]

In my humble opinion sex is NOT a recreational sport. Intimacy is something you share with a long term committed partner. Friends with benefits cheapens sexual intimacy.

Get a vibrator instead.

[JudyKayTee]

If you need another person to validate yourself ("So this new guy is almost a validation to me") your problems are far deeper than friends with benefits. I trust you are protecting yourself against pregnancy and STD's (and with STD's it's a whole lot tricker than pills and condoms). You KNOW your "friend" uses women - plural. Every time you have sex with him you also have sex by proxy with a whole line of other women.

Herpes gets little press because of AIDS and HIV. It still is the "gift" that just keeps on giving.

Good luck. I trust he's been blood tested and shown you proof he's clean? And you have done the same?

[acciosnivellus]

Please don't use the term "clean" as sti-free, that implies people with such infections are "dirty" which many would consider offensive. Yes, discussions of sti status/testing have been established and protection is always used. Sexual health and testing is very important to me. I respect opinions about choosing these activities for long term partners, but please do not tell me to "get a vibrator". I welcome open minded people to share their opinions, but that's just rude.

[acciosnivellus]

And also, it's not that I need someone else for validation, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I just meant that this "new chapter" I wrote about in one of my previous responses is finally happening and I'm excited about it, that's all that was meant. I knew I would meet other people and feel something for others, but there were times back when I was still healing that I felt it would never happen. You may think I'm crazy for thinking that, but at the time that's just the thought processes I was having. Once I healed and life went on, I knew I was being silly. I just meant that I'm happy that I'm finally meeting new people and making friends and starting over now. I didn't mean anything too deep or troublesome. I feel as though I'm being attacked at this point instead of the helpful advice I was getting before, so I probably won't check this thread again.

[tickle]

And also, it's not that I need someone else for validation, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I just meant that this "new chapter" I wrote about in one of my previous responses is finally happening and I'm excited about it, thats all that was meant. I knew I would meet other people and feel something for others, but there were times back when I was still healing that I felt it would never happen. You may think I'm crazy for thinking that, but at the time that's just the thought processes I was having. Once I healed and life went on, I knew I was being silly. I just meant that I'm happy that I'm finally meeting new people and making friends and starting over now. I didn't mean anything too deep or troublesome. I feel as though I'm being attacked at this point instead of the helpful advice I was getting before, so I probably wont check this thread again.

I was hoping that you would take all with a grain of salt, and not to heart.

Hopefully there was no rudeness intended. My opinion of you still stands (mature and in control of your particular situation)and without a doubt you know what you are doing. You are throwing all of this out to us and you had some good replies, and do so hope you stick around.

By the way, who said "get a vibrator"? And yes, I agree, that was rude!

Tick

[Cat1864]

How old is this man? Just how long has been playing friends with benefits and how many of these friends does he have at any given time?

Besides the feelings that can develop, my main reason for guiding people away from FWB relationships is the possibility of pregnancy. Other than total abstinence or removal of the female reproductive organs, there isn't a form of birth control that is 100% effective. Several of the women on this site have gotten pregnant while using two and three forms correctly.

Have the two of you discussed what would happen if a pregnancy occurred? If he doesn't want a relationship, he sure seems to be taking chances on creating a long term one with someone he only wants to be casual with. Do you think he would be there if you did get pregnant?

One of the responsibilities of being female is understanding that any time you have sex, it may result in not be being just your life that is affected.

Do what you think is best for you, but make a informed decision.

[JudyKayTee]

Please don't use the term "clean" as sti-free, that implies people with such infections are "dirty" which many would consider offensive. Yes, discussions of sti status/testing have been established and protection is always used. Sexual health and testing is very important to me. I respect opinions about choosing these activities for long term partners, but please do not tell me to "get a vibrator". I welcome open minded people to share their opinions, but that's just rude.

Here's how an open board works - you post what you have to say and people post what they have to say. People posting questions don't control people who are posting answers, and the other way around.

I didn't tell you to get a vibrator (although it's not a bad idea as long as we're in an adult forum). You are confusing people who are answering. Your idea of rude may very well be someone else's idea of being helpful. If all you want is someone to validate - there's that word again! - your thinking, then you should be talking to friends who agree with everything you say, not posting on a public board.

I attended continuing medical ed classes for years. The phrase when referring to testing for sexually transmitted diseases is "clean." If it's good enough for Physicians, it's good enough for me.

As far as validation I only know what you said, which was: "So this new guy is almost a validation to me. It tells me "Yes, I can be comfortable with someone else. Yes, I can be attracted to someone else. And yes, I can want to be intimate with someone else." I took your words at face value and didn't look beyond that.

[ScottGem]

I

By the way, who said "get a vibrator"? And yes, I agree, that was rude!

Tick

Why do you think that was rude? If a person believes that sexual relations should only involve people who are committed to each other and not for recreation, then how is that rude?

[acciosnivellus]

@JudyKayTee, I apologize if my responses are confusing. I can see how the conclusions were made from my statement "So this new guy is almost a validation to me. It tells me "Yes, I can be comfortable with someone else. Yes, I can be attracted to someone else. And yes, I can want to be intimate with someone else." I hope my explanation clears things up.

My response to the "get a vibrator" statement being rude was not directed towards you. I think everyone can express their opinion, including my own (nobody has to agree with my opinion that I found it rude!). I welcome advice and input on what may happen emotionally with a relationship like this, it's important to have a well rounded understanding, but when others are putting their morals on me I am not okay with that (I do understand that will happen when posting something this on a public forum). Again, that was not directed at you. I apologize if there is a better way of responding to each poster.

I guess I'm just getting defensive at this point because I am an adult in my 20s and I feel like I am being talked down to about my own sexuality and choices. He is the same age as me. Precautions that can be taken against sti's and pregnancy are being practiced (I know this is still not fool proof, and abstaining is the best birth control). I only say "clean" is a bit offensive because I am a member of a sexual health board where we agree to not use the term since it has a history of offending others, which now has turned into a bit of a pet-peeve for me which I forget not everyone agrees with. I personally feel it contributes to the negative stigma associated with being tested, many are embarrassed or ashamed of it. I think people should embrace their sexuality and make their own choices (hopefully safe as possible choices), but that is my own opinion that I will not push on anyone else!

I hope I don't come off as ignorant about the transmission of sti's, pregnancy, etc. I have a Microbiology BS degree and I very much support getting regularly tested even when one believes they are sti-free (asymptomatic sti's, for example, can lead people to believe they are sti-free when this is not true, and there are also those such as hpv that can be transmitted even with condom use, making pap smears that much more important for females!).

I really do apologize if I'm coming off as rude myself. I came to askmehelpdesk for more emotional input that comes with a relationship like this since I value the emotional advice given here, not being told that my sexual behavior is wrong or dirty (I am not saying everyone is implying that here).

So! I apologize if I'm confusing, but I did get valuable advice earlier regarding my emotions that I will continue to consider before I take further action, which I appreciate.