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SoraOokami · Oct 27, 2011, 05:01 PM

I am a twenty-year-old female. I'm in college, and I am working in a job I love. I have been called attractive on multiple occasions, and I probably have the fewest body-mental issues of a woman my age. I have no problems really. Finances aren't a problem, a very loving father, know what I'm going to do with my life. But the constant complication is my sex drive.

Up until recently, I was dating the closest thing to a perfect man I can imagine. We made each other very happy, but like any other person of his gender, he had that craving. I am a virgin. So that in itself is part of the problem I suppose. The fact that I don't really know. But all other facts point to the conclusion that I won't enjoy sex.

Every time we fooled around, it was for him. I never initiated it. Even when it was all about me. I would say the percentage would have been 95% of the time I orgasmed and the other 5% he did. I tried with him on several occasions, but he knew what he wanted. But the point is, even when I knew it was just going to be me having an orgasm, I didn't want to do it. I would have much rather lay there and cuddled the whole evening. My memories of the moment would have been more pleasurable if we just didn't do anything.

I don't know what to do about this. I am terrified there are only two possible outcomes for me:

1. End up alone as the crazy cat lady, or
2. Marry someone - Every time we have sex, it ends up being a chore. Sex is something I know I have to do to keep my husband because if I don't, we'll end up in a divorce.

I just don't know how long I would be able to keep that up. Crazy cat lady is looking like a more and more possible outcome.

If anyone knows what in the world I can do for this, please please help me out. If not, I suspect I'll be needing a cat sitter at some point if you're desperate for a job. Haha

PS - Just for clarity sake, I am indeed attracted to males. The female thing was tried, but it was the same outcome but even worse because I didn't even have the attraction.

450donn · Oct 27, 2011, 07:20 PM

Let me guess, you were brought up in a very conservative religious family?
You sound like you are holding back because you fear you would come under some sort of condemnation. Maybe you need to stop having sex until you get married. Until then I think you should get some professional help with your sex related issues. There is no reason you cannot become a loving sexual person, but you may need professional help to get there.

DaniCalifornia · Oct 28, 2011, 05:38 AM

I'd like to firstly point out that being a virgin isn't a hindrance. Many of us wish we still were, or at least saved it for someone special. It seems you did wait for someone special, so that in itself shows maturity and self-respect.

Try buying some sex books and erotica, and don't be ashamed to research porn. Although a lot of porn portrays the fictitious 'perfect sex and bodies', you can still get some ideas of what you'd like to try yourself. Don't rush! And forget the 'spinster' theory. Life is too short to worry what things will be like in the future.

X Dani

Prusec · Oct 28, 2011, 10:55 AM

I disagree with the other two answers here. This IS a big deal, and clearly it's bothering you, which means it matters!
There are a lot of women who naturally don't have a high sex drive, and there are lots of reasons for this. Mainly, in my experience, it's stress or anxiety, and if you have hang ups about how you feel about sex, this is going to make the matter even harder.
I would suggest that firstly, you need to be comfortable or neutral with how you are in terms of your sexuality, and you may need some professional help to do that. But certainly there's nothing 'wrong' with you, and if you are able to experience orgasm regularly, you're one of the lucky ones! :)

DaniCalifornia · Oct 28, 2011, 11:16 AM

Well I don't think she has to worry about settling down so early. And there are plenty of ways to explore ones sexuality.

SoraOokami · Oct 29, 2011, 06:07 AM

450donn: Actually, no. My family were a bunch of hoodlums. Haha I really have no excuse for the way I feel. No abuse. No religious reasons. I haven't started having sex. I went to a therapist once and this subject was on the tangent. He said he wasn't too worried about it. Saying that I'll become sexual eventually. I'm afraid I'll be waiting around for that eventually and I end up alone.

Dani: I must have been vague in my question. I am still a virgin. Haha We ended up breaking up because I wouldn't give in. I know that makes him sound like a bad guy but he's not. He said that he wouldn't mind waiting at all until marriage if I acted like I even wanted to have sex. He didn't want to end up in a sexless marriage, so we broke up.
Haha I can try that. I've watched regular porn before. Just kind of grossed me out knowing people would sleep with so many people. Literary porn I do better with. I haven't read any in ages, but maybe it'll help in some way. I hadn't thought of that. Perhaps it'll relax me a little. Thank you.

Prusec: I've been told that too. Stress and anxiety. But like I said, I really don't have either of those except when it comes to this topic. I'm unsure what you mean by coming to terms with my sexuality. Coming to terms with my lack of sexuality? There really isn't anything there. I'm attracted to men, but I have no desire to ever have sex with one. That's my problem.

Thank you all for replying, and I'm sorry my answer took so long.

SoraOokami · Oct 29, 2011, 06:18 AM

I see where the confusion is. The "Every time we have sex" was hypothetical. Meant to still be under #2 Marry someone. For some reason it created a new paragraph. Sorry about that.

DaniCalifornia · Oct 29, 2011, 10:09 AM

WELL! At first I actually typed my message assuming you were a virgin, but when I reread, I thought you meant that you had given it to the one you believed was close to perfect (And I re-typed), so I suppose it's my mistake :D

I see what you mean about the paragraph, I'll fix that bit for you.

And to be honest, you may think that bloke was great, but he sounds like a total Arse! With regards to the books, I recommend Haven of Obedience by Marina Anderson and the Art of Submission by Tessa Valmur. :)

X Dani

SoraOokami · Oct 29, 2011, 12:53 PM

haha Awesome. Thank you.
I know! Everyone does when I explain why we broke up but it's so hard to describe. I guess I'm just understanding because it's not something I relate with. I don't know what it's like to want sex and not be able to have it with the person you love because they don't want it. I understand him not wanting to be in a sexless marriage because that's what would happen.
Thanks. I shall look them up. =]