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sw77242 · Oct 23, 2011, 03:38 PM

So, I'm a 26 year old female, my fiancŽ is a 39 year old male. We only have sex like once a week if that... I'm not an unattractive woman. I'm very sexually drawn to him... But he doesn't seem interested most of the time. He says his back hurts. Which could very well be the reason we don't have sex very often... I know for a fact he looks at porn on his phone. I've asked him about it and he lies... Why is this? Why aren't we having sex.. Anyone out there have ANY helpful advice.. It makes me wonder if he's cheating, and it also makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. I thought all me wanted sex... Please help... Thanks.

SW

odinn7 · Oct 23, 2011, 03:47 PM

I don't know him or you so I can only guess. The first thing that comes to mind is that perhaps he has lost some of his sex drive. It does happen as you get older and it's worse in some than others. He may be able to only do it once a week. Looking at porn means nothing. He probably still has the desire but not the ability and maybe is just uneasy about talking with you about it.

I really doubt that it is you or has anything to do with you. Don't feel like you are unattractive because chances are, that's not even close to the problem.

Maybe you could sit and try to talk to him about it?

Fr_Chuck · Oct 23, 2011, 03:58 PM

First I may add that 39 is far from old, but things from money issues, to medical issues or work problems can effect performance or desire for any man from 18 to 80.

And yes as men do get older they often still have the urges, like wanting it every day, but often just can't perform every day, or may need medication to do so, and it is too costly or not available.

Only he knows why he does not want it that often, or how it hurts his back, If his back is out, he may be in real pain to have sex.

He looks at porn because he likes to, that has little to do with this most likely.

sw77242 · Oct 24, 2011, 02:17 PM

Thank you both for your answers. Are you both men? I was afraid eomen would respond and say, "oh, he's looking at porn. He's definitely cheating on you." I don't necessarily think looking at porn is cheating. Everyone needs to escape reality. The porn thing would just upset me more if he were only looking at porn and masturbating and we weren't having sex period.
I've tried talking to him, and he gets upset. Says, is that all it's about, sex? But, sex is different for men and women, and I get that. It makes me feel distant from him if we don't have it.
Thank you for your answers. I really appreciate the help.

Wondergirl · Oct 24, 2011, 02:21 PM

Porn is an easy "fix." And it doesn't hurt your back.

Have you tried various positions that would be easy for his back? And what about sensate focus -- just cuddling and stroking and hugging, etc. but no sex?

Cat1864 · Oct 24, 2011, 02:41 PM

Does the back pain limit any other activities he wants or needs to do? Has he been to a doctor about his back? If not, he needs to find out why it is hurting. From there he can look for ways to relieve the pain.

I doubt he is cheating. I doubt the porn is anything more than an attempt to figure out what is going on in his own mind and body. However, if it is a health issue, it isn't going to go away on its own.

As has been mentioned, it may be what his body is comfortable with or he could be tired, in pain, stressed, feeling pressured, etc. If he won't open up to you, ask him to get a check up and to get his back examined. If he is experiencing any erectile issues, they could be symptoms of other problems including medications or drug interactions (not just with other drugs but foods and drink too.)

How is his lifestyle? Does he get a good balance of sleep and exercise? Does he have a good diet?

sw77242 · Oct 24, 2011, 04:47 PM

How do you bring up issues of e.d. without offending him.. I don't want to hurt his feelings... And it kills me that he gets so upset when I bring up sex. So, obviously something isn't right.

odinn7 · Oct 24, 2011, 04:49 PM

That's a tough thing to bring up if he already gets upset when you simply want to talk about sex. Being in a relationship should mean that you both can talk about things without a problem... but it doesn't always work like that unfortunately.

Cat1864 · Oct 24, 2011, 05:51 PM

Don't bring up the possible e.d. Talk to him about his back. If it is his main excuse then it would be natural for you to be concerned about it. If nothing else, it is a place to start.