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Pureapple · Oct 20, 2011, 06:27 PM

Basically me and my girlfriend have been together for 11 1/2 months , She was abused by her ex husband and had a terrible relationship to the point she couldn't leave the house or do anything for herself
She has had a few boyfriends since then and then me

We have recently split up due to recent arguments and she keeps saying it's the fact that she can't trust me , not in the way of cheating on her but the fact of checking her phone and accusing her of cheating

At the beginning of the relationship it was hard going... we were best friends and we were both scared to commit as we didn't want to lose our friendship eventually we decided to make a go of it
About 2 months into the relationship I checked her phone (I had a gut feeling , don't know where it came from but something told me) I found messages to and from her ex saying that they miss each other and that she sometimes thinks of him at night and that she wishes he was there
We had a big argument and I was ready to throw in the towel but we kept going and over the next few months she promised that she would stop speaking to him and that his stuff in her house would be gone (but since then she says she is not paying for shipment and that she will not throw out what's not hers)
She deleted his name from her phone but not his number
So months went by and she reassured me that he meant nothing to her and that she loved me and that wanted to be with me
Its always been in the back of my head that she speaks to him and one day I checked her phone again and there was a few texts when she was at college so I confronted her and she said she can't remember what they were talking about and it was probably to sort out the stuff from the house...
About three months ago I had a party at mine and we all got drunk and she asked for a friend of a friends number for her and her niece cause he wasn't getting to partys... I got drunk and accused er of wanting to cheat on me with him ( I know its not right and I'm ashamed)

For the past three months we have been arguing all the time and there has been no sex ( I work away for weeks at a time and we knew there was problems so I said that we need to email each other more and talk... well she hardly emailed me at all

Ive been home for about 2 1/2 weeks and she told me that she can't go on in the relationship and that her feelings aren't the same and I don't trust her and I accused her and she sees signs that I could turn out like her abusive ex husband
Ok so here goes...
I checked her phone and found 17 messages to and from her ex (whilst I was away for 3 weeks) and when we were talking on the way home from her work we were discussing how to fix our problems and maybe see a counciller and that we could go out and have a laugh again and that she was on holiday ( she's on holiday this week) and we could maybe try and be intimate... I was happy with this but there was always that niggling feeling that I knew she was texting her ex while I was away
So I asked her if she still had feelings for him and she blew her top and says its over cause I don't trust her and I basically accused her of still loving him etc etc (the previous night I asked her if she loved anyone else and she said no) but then she told me that I asked her already and she said no , so why did I have to bring him into it

Over the past week we have been talking I have been giving her space and during a few of the talks I asked when the last time she spoke to her ex and she has said maybe march and that she can't remember (All this time I haven't said to her that I know she was speaking to him a couple of weeks ago when I was away working)

So here is my dilemma I want to get back with her,. I do love her but this is niggling away at me... 1.why she was speaking to him 2,why she won't admit it to me

She has basically not said she is going to give us another chance and she needs time to think she says I feel distant to her and that it might not work (because I don't trust)

Do I walk away from relationship and just leave it

Do I try again and forget that she was texting him and keep trying to sort out relationship

Or do I confront her (knowing that if I do there is no chance of us getting back together because she will know I checked phone) and see her reaction and try and get an explanation

vanheart · Oct 21, 2011, 05:20 AM

"She has had a few boyfriends since then and then me "

Consider that. Why?

"i had a gut feeling"
Use your gut. From now on. You were on the right track. Then fell back.

Why do you want this woman so much?

Pureapple · Oct 21, 2011, 08:17 AM

She had 2 boyfriends both were from far away and she never saw them that much , we live in the same town and just along the road from each other

I want this omen because when we were happy it's the happiest I've been in my life and I want that back

But what do I do ? About the texts? Out of the three options?

adam_89 · Oct 21, 2011, 09:12 AM

I say you should move on from this woman, she is causing you too much stress and she doesn't sound like she is a good match for you. Some women can't stay away from their exes even though they were beaten by them, and they feel the need to be with them. If you want to see what can happen, print this page off and give it to her.

vanheart · Oct 21, 2011, 09:46 AM

"I want this omen because when we were happy its the happiest ive been in my life and i want that back"

Be careful what you wish for. Have you ever seen The Omen?

I pick:
#3) Do I walk away from relationship and just leave it.

Yup.
Let her text who she wants. When she wants.

If she wants to lie and hang on to her ex, run.
Don't play games.

"I checked her phone and found 17 messages."
If you had something good & secure with her, then you wouldn't do that sort of thing.
Now would you?

At least, now you know.

Pureapple · Oct 21, 2011, 10:38 AM

By doing that option I won't have closure :( I really need to know why she lied? How do I get this from her ? Walk away and then speak to her in a few months?

vanheart · Oct 21, 2011, 10:55 AM

She lied period.
You don't need to know the reasons, they don't really matter.

Your closure will come by staying away from girls like her.

Get with ones you can trust.

talaniman · Oct 21, 2011, 01:30 PM

Do I walk away from relationship and just leave it?

Yes that what you do and accepting that this didn't work, and letting it go, and moving on IS closure.

The rest is false hope, and denial, since its obvious as the nose on your face she isn't through with the ex yet, may never be, so is not a good choice to be a partner with.

mmresd · Oct 25, 2011, 06:47 PM

I almost stopped reading as soon as you mentioned that you checked her phone. That was because I practically know and have lived the rest of the story. But, I decided to finish reading your post. I was right, I do know how this story ends. And it ends with the relationship ending. The sooner you realize this the less harm you will do to yourself.

Break up with her, move on, start with your new life as single, and find someone else, and TRUST her. If there is no trust then there is no relationship. This one is decayed past the point of saving. Sorry. TRUST me, move on.

Learn from this, don't ever check anything. Is better not to know than to find out and try to get over it. The less you suspect the happier she will be with you, and the most likelihood of her being faithful to you.

As far as closure goes, closure is whenever you get over her completely, nothing else will satisfy you, no matter how much you beat it out of her or think about it.