[rol]

After seeing a lot of cases of this recently, and having been in the situation myself, and having talked to 2 male friends who did the same I can say it is extremely common for a man to drop the relationship when he feels he is not himself , or his job is not going well or has too many other issues to focus on..

For me as a girl this is strange as when females have problems we need someone there to talk to whereas the guy seems to want to be alone when he has issues

Has this always been the case or is this a new relationship issue..
The guy I talked to first hand a few weeks ago told his girlfriend he needed space and didn't know about he feelings for her (he told me it was because he had completely lost himself and wanted to build himself back up and didn't want her to have to put up with his grumpiness and bad behaviour and he would not be able to be a good boyfriend to her during that time)

Question: Why do men feel they need to put their female first in their lives?

We really do not expect that, or at least I do not!

[wap]

Interesting Rol, this is partly what happened to me as you know.. this is really interesting. In my case various things were issues in his life and people have said to me he would only have dragged me down. It will be interesting to see what people say here..

[Dani171986]

Sadly I don't have a clue either. My ex broke up with me because he said he missed the single life. Nothing really changed when he was with me. I still went out with his m8's when he liked and only saw me twice a week on average. Its not like he had to make a big effort. He didn't have much of a single life before girl wise. He went on dates that's it. I was his first girlfriend. Everythnig seemed fine to me. In 2 days all of a sudden he had a thought, I miss the single life. HUH! How I'm a nice girl and to give other guys a chance. Where did that come from. I guess there's a switch in a males brain, once their minds made up that's it. It doesn't take that long to make a decision either.
My friend boyfriend did that to her too, even now that they are back together. He said how it was him, not her blah, blah. Its like why don't you talk about it with me then, you know have a discussion. But I guess men would rather keep their thoughts to themselves.

[valinors_sorrow]

I got news: women do this too. Its more about not finding and holding onto your personal power in the relationship and both genders do that. Women are especially prone to this kind of codependent-ish giving up of their power -- just look at domestic violence to see an extreme version. And we girls need to focus on ourselves after a break up -- its often suggested here. This is not a gender thing: the need to find and keep personal power.

What I find interesting here is how men tend to "genderize" the so-called bad beghavior of being needy as only the guys doing it and women tend to "genderize" the so-called bad behavior of being too independent as only the guys doing that -- when both genders do both and what works is really somewhere between those two points too. I see a man fighting to hold onto his power without the ability to articulate it well to his face to face partner. Who writes here may suggest there is more of one gender doing this but sadly men are not as vocal about emotional stuff in face to face world -- the condition of anonymity here affords us a different view so I would amalgamate the two areas to get a better picture on proportions of gender-based behaviors. LOL

Its important when asking "why do women do this or men that" to be sure its really a true gender thing because a lot of the time, it isn't. And most of the differences between the genders now is culturally based, which in my mind is artificiallly created by people I don't necessarily trust as knowing what's best so I do not advocate anyone taking their cues from there! Granted, culturally women are raised to talk more -- and we generally do according to studies. But I don't think for one minute that is biological. And the raising of boys so it results in the "hushing" of men is to everyone's detriement too--- much like the shoeless pregnant image of women was and for the same reasons too. LOL

[Welsh lass]

That is exactly the situation I'm in, my bloke was hating his job, had family issues and I think he felt by getting rid of something in his life i.e. me. There wouldn't be so many things for him to concentrate on! Although I did tell him, I would support him, and be there to help him! He obviously thought it was the best thing to do! But blimey I really don't think men understand we can be there for them and help them through situations, they don't always have to be strong!

[rol]

<<What I find interesting here is how men tend to "genderise" been needy as only the guys doing it and women tend to "genderise" needing to focus on self as only the guys doing that -- when both genders do it all.>>

Ammm not sure if I agree with that. I am not into genderising.
What I'm saying is in all the cases I have seen where this occurs , the guy loves the girl yet because he cannot focus 100 percent on her thinks that he has to break-up.

I have never heard of a girl loving a guy and breaking up with him because she needs to find herself! It would be at that moment when she has all those problems that she needs all the support that she can get from her partner...

[Nosnosna]

Most of us are a little afraid of 'emotional blackmail.' Nothing weakens the average man's resolve like a woman crying. Those sobs can reduce "You're a psychotic manipulative hosebeast" to "I'm sorry baby, what can I do?" so quickly we don't even get a chance to fight it. So we go off by ourselves to figure out what's what for ourselves, then once we come back, we've figured it out and stocked up enough resolve to beat the tears for a little while.

Also we're all taught from a young age that we're just supposed to know things. Quick, decisive action is the rule. Even if it's a stupid choice, we get points for making the choice quickly. When we don't know, we wander off to figure it out so that you don't get to see us figuring it out... it's kind of a way to keep it so that it looks like we're decisive, even when we're not.

[rol]

OK that's interesting Nosnosna , thanks for the insight

[valinors_sorrow]

<<I have never heard of a girl loving a guy and breaking up with him because she needs to find herself!! It would be at that moment when she has all those problems that she needs all the support that she can get from her partner...

I was gently trying to suggest that just because you have not heard of it doesn't mean it isn't occurring. It may be occurring in a certain age group a lot, or in your neck of the woods too. But I did this and I have currently know other women who routinely have done this when the guy, to put it bluntly, got too serious too fast for them and changed from being an asset to being a liability-- which is a phenomena that both genders have trouble with, but especially the women. I believe there are more women rushing things in the "relationship" department than men but I don't believe this to be a biological thing. Men rush sex instead-- now there may be something slightly biological about the sex part that bears looking into. That's all I was implying. Perhaps once again Rol, we'll just need to politely disagree too?

[rol]

Hi Val:)
I totally agree with you in that"I have currently know other women who routinely have done this when the guy, to put it bluntly, got too serious too fast for them and changed from being an asset to being a liability"

I totally understand that...
But that's not really what I'm talking about...
I'm not talking about people who run when things get serious or too fast for them, I'm talking about people(male or female ) who run when they have problems and need to focus on self... and in all the cases I know it is men.
Im trying to think have I ever met a female like this... but I have never...

[valinors_sorrow]

My point is when they leave, they say its because they have issues and need to focus on themselves. They don't include its because their partners are too much for them and they are overwhelmed too. If the men (or women) trusted their partners to stay and let them help, I believe they would stay and let them help. Surely the leaving one knew on some level though that it was better without the partner, which is why they left. You are missing the point that the partner who gets left isn't deemed as trustworthy or helpful (rightly or wrongly) for whatever reason and I offered the most predominant one I could see as accurate. I know for a fact that my girlfriends made it look exactly like it was their problem-filled life when they knew it was also him, and didn't tell him. People who leave don't tell the whole story, they don't have to since they only need tell the part that works to end it.

[talaniman]

If its one thing that I have learned since being here is that males and females are often at different points of growth in there lives and lacking the necessary skills to work together or cope with their own problems often puts a lot of strain on fragile relationships. I think its more age or maturity than gender. Also the anonymity that this forum allows also lets people men and women talk about their feelings and problems a lot more honestly(?) than they would in person. Another thing to consider is that most times we only hear a part of the story and probably would be shocked to find out what the partners take on it would be so we really have to be careful when forming an opinion on the reliability of the posts and the people who post. Any one ever notice that most who come here are first time love in turmoil over a break-up? No doubt that when a man has a lot of pressure on him it puts a strain on a relationship as with females that are confused or stressed, but again I don't think that gender is a big point, but the ability to handle things that pop up in life is the biggest factor.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I got news: women do this too. Its more about not finding and holding onto your personal power in the relationship and both genders do that.
Its important when asking "why do women do this or men that" to be sure its really a true gender thing because a lot of the time, it isn't.

As some of you great people are aware, this happened to me, yet I am a man and my ex missed the single life and claimed she wanted to be alone. I really don't think it is gender specific. Men and women are not all that different and in fact, many women are focusing more on their careers these days, even more so than men and may need their soul searching ME time as much as men do. For me though, it was more of an age difference in that my ex was 6 years younger and at 20 - 26, that is a big difference, something I don't think I acknowledged when I was in the relationship with her.

But I really don't think it a gender thing.

[rol]

Well the interesting thing is the 2 males I have talked to recently told me the girl was not at all the problem..
So couple 1... I heard both sides of the story , it was a girl I met 3 months ago at a dinner, she was stressed as he boyfriend had asked for space , they had moved here and he was trying to find a job and was not sure what he wanted to do with his life.He moved away for 2- 3 months
So 3 months later I heard his side of the story about how he was unsure about his life and job , but how his girlfriend was so great as she did not bother him when he asked for space and went about her own life meeting new people and now he feels they are much better than before and he is trying to settle in.

Couple number 2 broke up for a year and I heard the story from the guy,he was confused about his life ,job but it had nothing to do with the girl , he remembers how she was so patient and great with him. They are back together since 2 years and now they are having a baby.

SO what I am trying to say is this scenario does seem quite common...

[kaitou]

I went through the same thing, only I didn't even fight for a chance to prove that I can help him. I didn't do the begging thing. In fact till this day, which was one month from the break up I still didn't get to have a talk with him face to face about it. I blame myself for not trying to get through to him, and now it's too late. He seems like he completely move on. He's also being really cold to me. At least I can stop hoping now. When are guys so difficult to understand?

I think no matter what I did though, I'll still regret what I did. If I tried to beg him to let me try to work things out with him, and he still went further away, then I'll be regretting that I didn't give him space.

So I think no matter what I do, the result will most likely be the same.

[wap]

Well, I can sympathise. My ex was unhappy in himself, his age, he felt stuck in a rut with things. At the time he finished with me he said he was unhappy with where he lived, the fact that he had no money. Bit of debt. He said he just changed into an a*****e and said to me that he didn't have much to offer me. Some people said that it seemed sort of like a mid life crisis. I supported him, told him that money didn't matter to me, he used to bottle things up and I guess he is the only one that can help himself.

[rol]

<<My point is when they leave, they say its because they have issues and need to focus on themselves. They don't include its because their partners are too much for them and they are overwhelmed too. >>

Do you really think a guy leaving would not have the guts to say that and make up another excuse? I can imagine a woman saying it but not sure I agree that a man would not tell the truth.

[talaniman]

I agree that serious problems will always occur when a person who is not ready for all that is involved with a relationship thinks they are and jumps right in! But like Nos said: how else are they to find out?

Like we all learn, by going through it. That's why we say GO SLOW, but who listens when they are in love?

Do you really think a guy leaving would not have the guts to say that and make up another excuse? I can imagine a woman saying it but not sure I agree that a man would not tell the truth.

Guys will say and do anything to lessen a hard blow to a female he wants a break from, including lying just to save the tears. What if he is confused and doesn't know how he feels?

[rol]

So with modern times
Basically a woman's way of breaking up is "I need space , Im not sure "

And a mans is "i need to focus on myself and to be alone"

;-)

[valinors_sorrow]

At the risk of really highjacking the topic of this thead, LOL I believe that some men and some women are also capable of telling the truth when parting ways with a partner. I was one of those and it strikes me as unkind that my girlfriends essentially lie to the men while dishing the unadorned truth to me. Most of these women like to gossip too.

I can appreciate the vulnerabliity of telling the truth but it is also a strength when told with tact -- a skill on the verge of extinction, I think! But emotional honesty is a spectrum with the nearly psychotic and gamers at one end and tactful truthtellers and tactless truthbrutes at the other and everyone in between. In order to be a truthteller, you have to first tell the truth to yourself and know that it is yours. I can only tell my truth and once I realised that, it became easier to tell it with tact. And in telling it with tact I slowly lost my fear of telling it at all-- but everyone has their own experience of this very human thing. I came from a very dishonest family, master manipulators and con artists actually, and eventually found far more personal power in truth telling than could ever be had from the dark side, frankly. LOL