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lahlah143 · Oct 14, 2011, 09:22 PM

Why does my girlfriend like to give me oral sex and finger me, but doesn't like me even touching her, she gets all nervous & every time I even go to hug her I grab her hands sometimes, and they're always sweaty. She says she is just nervous around me, I don't know if this is a bad thing ?

afaroo · Oct 14, 2011, 09:38 PM

How old are you both?

John

lahlah143 · Oct 15, 2011, 03:07 PM

18...
But also, we were both raped, I was when I was 15 and she was when she was 14.
After I was raped I lost respect for everyone and my body, I just didn't care, I am different now, but she says after it happened to her she's always nervous... I'm still not sure though because she tells me she is in love with me..

Synnen · Oct 16, 2011, 09:01 AM

Has she had counseling for her rape?

If not, there is nothing you can do to convince her to relax enough with you to enjoy sexual contact.

This isn't about you. It's about her, and the fact that she needs help and a LOT of patience in order to enjoy ANY sex act.

lahlah143 · Oct 16, 2011, 06:35 PM

Yes she is in counceling now. & I can relate to her because the same happened to me, we just opposites I geuss.. she's afraid of everyone coming near her, and I USED to not care, because I lost respect for myself thinking it was my fault,

DrJ · Oct 16, 2011, 06:48 PM

I agree with Synnen... don't take it personally. This is her issue, not yours. You both may have experienced similar things but everyone takes it differently. Whether you want to stick it out and see her through this is a personal question you are going to have to think long and hard about. It may take a while or it may never happen at all... it all comes down to how much you love her, I guess.

lahlah143 · Oct 16, 2011, 06:51 PM

Well she says she'll let me because she loves me and trusts me... but still she's nervous.

DrJ · Oct 16, 2011, 06:58 PM

I had a girlfriend somewhat like this once. She liked to flirt, act sexy, and was "eager to please" I guess I would say. But when it came down to either me pleasing her or us actually having intercourse, she was very nervous, awkward, unsure, shy, and whatever else. I did my best to make her comfortable but it was pointless. She never said no, but I knew that she had some unresolved issues about sex. It got to the point that I was uncomfortable having sex with her... we didn't stick it out long enough to get it figured out but then again, that was never our intention.

lahlah143 · Oct 16, 2011, 07:07 PM

So what would you recommend I do? I don't want to leave her just because she's afraid, or insecure, or whatever it is, because I really do love her, but then again its hard...

DrJ · Oct 16, 2011, 07:11 PM

That's tough... as I said, I didn't make it that far. But if she is already in some sort of counseling to help her with her past, I would say your best bet is to first, let her know that you are there for her, you love her, and you aren't going anywhere. Then maybe talk about the possibility of couples counseling or sex therapy. It's great that she is getting help on how to deal with things but as her partner, you need help on how to deal with things, too. I should think she would be understanding of that.

lahlah143 · Oct 16, 2011, 07:20 PM

How long did you wait out? And I think it might be different since we are both females? But I don't know..

lahlah143 · Oct 16, 2011, 07:28 PM

She probably would, but ugh its hard. But then again we fight all the time, over trust issues. So would it be etter to try and work through everything or just let go

DrJ · Oct 16, 2011, 07:30 PM

Well I can't say that I waited at all for things to get better/easier/more comfortable... we just had a different type of relationship. And the fact that you are both girls doesn't really matter too much.. or even make it easier (since you share similar experiences, feelings, understandings, etc) I mean, you both love each other and that should be the bottom line. If this had been the case with a girl that I was actually in love with and attempting a relationship with, I would probably be doing exactly as you... first asking some strangers for impartial advice (as I have here before), then hopefully making some progress to resolve the situation in a way that is comfortable and agreeable by both :)

lahlah143 · Oct 16, 2011, 07:34 PM

I feel asking strangers is easier because that way she won't really know about it? Haha, Well anyway.. I'm hoping we can work through it, mostly its fighting that gets me angry. And the sex thing adds on to the anger, but I don't pressure her, and I'm understanding of it. I am Bisexual and she is a Lesbian, so its confusing.