[mechanicaleden]

Hi.
I posted with an earlier stage of this problem a while ago... but since then, things have gotten more complicated.
Overview: this guy and I met over the summer, dated for a little over a month, were extremely close, went back home (we live 5 hours apart), broke up a few weeks after returning home because he "needed some time to think." He promised we'd get back together, but we didn't... instead he developed a crush for an old friend of his who he'd chased for two years but who was never interested in anything more than friendship. I continue to be there to help him and support him... he has an extremely difficult family situation, his supposed other "friends" have deserted him, and the girl he has feelings for is treating him terribly, as usual. It seems that on some level he loves to be abused by women he loves... his mother and all his past girlfriend treated him like , and he seems to want that, whether he realizes it or not. This girl is exactly the same... she ignores him, teases him, plays mind games, constantly fights with him... and he's completely devoted to her, even though she doesn't want anything more than friendship. I've lost a great deal of respect for him as a result.

He's told me repeatedly that I'm the only person in his life who ever treated him like an actual person or who really loved him... yet he continues to try to win over this girl who obviously has no interest in him and is wreaking havoc on his emotional well-being. By the way, he's severely manic depressive and often suicidal... so there is no way I would desert him, no matter how fed up with his choices I get. He tells me all the time that I am his only friend and that he doesn't know what he would do without me. I really do care for him, and it scares me to death when he talks about cutting himself or trying to commit suicide. I'm completely helplessto do anything to stop him, living 5 hours away.

But, my point: I haven't seen him since August, and he's driving to my house in a few weeks to visit me for my birthday. Last time we saw each other, we were dating.. and now we're "just friends"... I think. He tells me he loves me, but I don't know if it's in a "best friends" way or a "girlfriend/boyfriend" way. He also mentions wanting to be in a physical relationship again... which I'm sure he'll want to act upon when he comes to visit me. Thing is... I'm not one for the "friends with benefits" type of arrangement... it maks me feel cheap and depressed, and it's against my morals. I know that if I tell him that, he'll respect it... but I'm a very flirty person with him, and when we talk, we joke around about sexual things. I don't know if he's taking this as an invitation, or if he would even consider us "friends with benefits"... but I don't think he considers us as being in a relationship. Once before I mentioned not wanting to do anything physical unless we were dating, and he kind of laughed it off... I think he thought I was joking. So... what do I say to him? I don't know how to handle any of this. On one hand, I would like to engage in some friendly "activity" (nothing too serious) as I do still have strong feelings for him... but on the other hand, I think this would create later problems between us, and be really emotionally stressful for me, not knowing if he still cares about me or just wants "some". I'm completely confused. If anyone has any advice about any part of this... I would be really grateful to hear it... and thanks for taking the time to read this ridiculously long and complicated narrative.

[BattleAngel14745]

This is my advice.

He does not sound like he is ready to be in a serious relationship with anyone. He sounds like he is young, immature and has many personal issues that he needs to figure out with himself before he involves someone else in his life. If he chooses to abuse himself with self harm, suicide attempts and chooses to be in abusive relationships the you have to let him. You can tell him what you think and you can tell him how you feel but you can't change him. Only he can change for himself. That's his choice. I'm sure you care deeply for him and may even love him but right now he needs you as a friend.

Sweetie, focus on you and what makes you happy. You sound like a very good person that has a lot going for you. Be there for him and tell him exactly what you think and how you feel. When he gets things straighten out with himself and is ready to be in a healthy relationship, tell him to keep you in mind.

[mechanicaleden]

Thank you so much for the advice, BattleAngel.
Since I posted, he and I had a long-overdue conversation about "us"... and ultimately decided that although we both care very deeply for each other, a relationship would be impractical right now. We plan on remaining friends until some indefinite point in the future, and if we move closer to each other and we both feel ready, we can pick up where we left off. In the mean time, I agree with you... friends is better.