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fshay1 · Feb 5, 2007, 11:16 AM

My new wife and I have four children between us. "Our" youngest had decided to stay in Pittsburgh with one of the wife's relatives while we moved away. For two years we had sent $300 a month to help with the boy's expenses. This month he turned 18 and we felt that we had fulfilled our obligation and didn't send any money. We have had no discussions with the relative since the last time she called and asked for more money! Today we received a threatening phone call from the relative stating that she would actually take us to court if we didn't continue paying! We are curious if this is even possible and how it would work. Anyone?

MARK M · Feb 5, 2007, 11:21 AM

He may be eighteen but he is still your son and you are still responsible for him and it was good of the relative to take him on

ScottGem · Feb 5, 2007, 11:37 AM

Was any formal agreement entered into between you and the relatives? Absent such an agreement your LEGAL responsibility ended at 18 (or when he graduated high school, whichever was later).

The relative has NO legal standing to force you to pay support. They could, of course, kick him out and then you might feel a moral obligation to take him in.

fshay1 · Feb 5, 2007, 12:01 PM

Wait, don't get me wrong. We don't want to abandon the boy, we were just wondering what our legal responsibilities are. We would gladly have him here with us but with the divorce we thought that he had been through enough and HE wanted to stay at the same school with his friends. He is still in High School and he is only a junior. So we will have to pay until he is almost 20!?

fshay1 · Feb 5, 2007, 12:02 PM

Also, we gave the relative guardianship but the payments were a verbal thing.

ScottGem · Feb 5, 2007, 12:19 PM

If he is still in HS, I would continue supporting him. The laws vary from state to state, but generally they consider a child still in school (K-12) as needing support.

You probably needed to give them guardianship so they could sign papers and make decisions for him.

But I'm curious about why an 18 year old is still a junior. If he was left back, does he still need to stay with his friends? Aren't most of his friends graduated and maybe off to college? I can understand allowing him to stay and finish school so as to miminize the already great upheavals in his life, but a line does need to be drawn.

fshay1 · Feb 5, 2007, 05:13 PM

First, thank you Scottgem and others for your attention. Another twist to the story. The boy was one class short and the relative allowed him to be kept back. The relative would not protest, we found out later, either for lack of interest or possibly to extend the support payments! The cheating ex-spouse has, since we left, gotten back in the boys good graces but doesn't pay anything! Meanwhile, he had driven my wife to near bankruptcy by spending the mortgage and misc. bill monies on another woman or women. We just don't think its fair to have to continue to shoulder my wife's AND her ex's costs.

fshay1 · Feb 8, 2007, 12:42 PM

I realized that I didn't note that it's the ex-husband's sister-in-law that has the boy. We sent her a letter telling her that we would help with the boy until summer when he should get a job and start again in the fall if he does. Also, we made it contingent on the ex forking over an equal monthly amount. And we want updates on the boys progress and problems. It is possible that she will decide to pursue us and not the wife's ex for support. Some questions about the process:

1. Who will she contact and how will we be contacted by them?
2. Should we line up a lawyer now or is there another route?
3. If she does sue us, will we and the wife's %$&^& ex be equally responsible?

ScottGem · Feb 8, 2007, 12:53 PM

1. I haven't a clue
2. Wait until you actually need one
3. This is more a matter for if it goes to court. If she doesn't go after each parent equally, then a judge is not likely to look kindly on her request.

Forever21 · Feb 8, 2007, 02:11 PM

Honestly I feel as if she is bluffing and just coming after you for the money I really do not feel as if the boys interest is at heart with this one. I feel as if you should get your boy back if she is becoming an issue. Don't give yourself more of a headache than what you need. I honestly feel as if there are more issues involved with the boy and that is why he is not with you cause an 18yr old still a junior is not making sense to me on why you would allow him to stay you might of though that you were doing him a favor but you should never of have left him behind. Do you have constant communication with him? If so what does he have to say about all this? I honestly would not worry about the sister n law and if he still is in high school I would continue to give support if he is that behind in school than you really do not want him working it will only take away from his studies.

fshay1 · Feb 8, 2007, 03:26 PM

Thanks for the responses. FYI I found a site in PA called: Project Adventure - PA.org with a link to children's services. It addresses some support issues. A little more back ground. My wife and I move around every few months. It would not be a stable atmosphere for our son. The boy was one class short of moving up a grade and his aunt didn't do anything and he was held back. No one said boo to us! Make no mistake she is ALL about the money and I am tempted to say that she did it for another year of payments. The boy does nothing and she is even preventing him from getting his license... probably for the same reason. I think I am going to research a lawyer and possibly talk to one now, just to be prepared.

crazyflorida · Feb 8, 2007, 03:56 PM

Listen my experience has been let the fight come to you. Don't go looking for one. If and that's a big if, they want more or continued support do the math. It costs a lot of money to
Mess with this stuff. They'll need a good lawyer and they don't work cheap or fast.
It appears you don't feel a moral obligation anymore nor am I sure you should. They made the decisions that kept the boy in school etc. I'd say the monthly finiancial support stops but if the boy (Man) in the eyes of most states needs any future finiancial support you would be sure to help if you can. That's how I would leave it.

ScottGem · Feb 8, 2007, 05:05 PM

I think you need to take a more proactive approach to the kid's development. You need to talk to guidance counselor's at his school And maybe Children's services.

endlessecho · Mar 27, 2007, 08:01 PM

I think there might be a possability of them getting you for back child support, but I doubt it.

fshay1 · Mar 28, 2007, 09:44 AM

Some time has passed since this situation began. After informing them that we would not be sending any more support until the boy and his aunt begin taking on some responsibility, they immediately went to child services and filed for formal support. We were paying voluntarily. As we warned, the money we would have forwarded for support was diverted to our lawyer. The case came up last Monday and it was dismissed.
We are intending to continue supporting the boy but, again, we feel it is time for him to step up and take on some responsibility. Hopefully, he will get a part time job until summer and then work full time in the summer. If he does this we will again consider a stipend in the fall. Its very easy to say we should support him until whenever but its like the old saying. If you give a man a fish he'll eat but if you teach him to fish...
We pray about this situation continuously and we hope that it will be resolved positively.
Thanks again for all of your input!

Fr_Chuck · Mar 28, 2007, 09:56 AM

First after the child is 18 unless he is going to college no support is due, but what you did was to pay for room and board, it was not charge support since it was not to a person with legal custody and was not court ordered, you were basically paying rent and board for him to stay there.

But of course it was farily wrong just to not send any money without calling them or telling them, and giving YOUR son time to work out other living arrangements.

I am sure there are a lot of issues why he did not move with you, as most families would have done, but that is not the issue here, it happened.

But

So without knowing if he is going to college, still in high school at 18 or what it is hard to say what should happen.

But in the end, you can always tell him to move back home, you are no longer paying rent somewhere else.
Then at 18, it will be his choice what he is going to do.

endlessecho · Mar 28, 2007, 10:03 AM

I was 16 when I moved out of my moms house. I moved in with a friend and I got a job and helped her family with bills, after that I lived with a boy friend, then my best friend and I got our own place and now I live with my fiancé. I've learned to support myself at a young age, and I am grateful that my mom left me leave home when I wanted, rather than charging me as a runaway or something. It has tought me responsibility and how to manage my time and money wisely.

I think it would be mean to straight up cut him off finacially, but I think that you should tell him that so many months from now (I think 3 is reasonable) you will stop aiding him in that way.

It's time to grow up. I'm almost 19 and I'm a full time student, part time worker and planning a wedding. And my Fiancé is a full time student, father, and working 2 jobs while planning our wedding.

If the guy WANTS to grow up, he can.

fshay1 · Mar 28, 2007, 10:37 AM

We truly hadn't planned to stop sending support. We delayed January's payment merely to get their attention. My wife and I both came from large families and both of us started working at a very young age. If you didn't sell newspapers or mow lawns or shovel snow then you didn't have any pocket money!
The boy has lots of options. The wife's ex-husband could take him in, he could and should get his GED and go to the service or get some work, any work, and contribute to his support. I don't mean to seem unsympathetic but our last contact with him was a voicemail cussing out my wife.
Endless you should be very proud of yourself. With determination and some work ethic I, too, moved out at 18. I worked two jobs or more and at twenty supported my new wife and eventually our 2 children. I know how difficult it is to be on your own at a young age and, again, you should be proud of yourself. And as you said if the wants to grow up he can! Hopefully we are nudging him in the right direction and although he has alienated himself right now, with time and prayer he will come around.

ScottGem · Mar 28, 2007, 02:09 PM

Originally Posted by fshay1

Hopefully we are nudging him in the right direction and although he has alienated himself right now, with time and prayer he will come around.

Let me put it this way. Whether you are succeeding in nudging him is immaterial at this point. I totally agree that you are showing him the right direction. Whether he follows or no will be up to him. But you have kudos from me for responsible parenting.

fshay1 · Aug 8, 2007, 08:43 AM

Good morning everyone,
Since my last writing things have gone from bad to worse. After a legal battle, for which we unfortunately hired an inept lawyer, we have been court ordered to pay child support... 900 dollars a month!! We have to pay this until June 2008... the boy will be 19+! Without warning they garnished my wife's payroll We have tried to have this amount adjusted or to have the father contribute but to no avail.
We have heard (he won't talk to us) that the boy has gotten his license a car and a job. Apparently, all they needed was to triple our support payment to find the ambition to become more responsible! Needless to say it's a real struggle to justify paying this.
Now some questions: My wife is changing companies in Sept. What is our responsibility in reference to the payment arrangements? What if we don't do anything? It's a real problem for us because we do want to supply a realistic amount of support but this is seeming like an all or nothing situation. Thanks!