[nradams4]

My (recent) ex had started attending a outside church group which I thought was all well and good for her as she and I are pretty religious but I felt this sort of house church just wasn't my thing.. It reminded me of going to my old lutheran school and just taking religion class over again.. She never cared if I came or not but the offer was always on the table I suppose. 5 days prior to telling me she couldn't do this anymore when she was at one of these house church get-togethers, she was begging me to never leave her and she was always swearing up until the last day that I was the one that No matter what she couldn't live without me.

But then boom I get a call and its over and she just disconnects her phone number even though I wasn't planning on calling her anyway at first but I did email her and she just kept saying that she tried so hard to make all the puzzle pieces fit but she just couldn't and that she loved me so much and wanted me to have her kids but she said she's taking control of her life (making me feel like I was overly protective which I admittedly am at times but not in excess... It was so random and shocking/unexpected that I still don't know what to do or how to handle it.

We got engaged 2 years prior to this and she was estatic and couldn't wait to be married to me. In fact 3 days prior to her leaving me she was talking to her entire family about wedding plans and songs and colors and all that good stuff... I felt safe for once because when we got engaged I asked her 100 different times if she slept or did any sexual act with this one guy when we weren't together... I just wanted to know the truth before I asked her to marry me because her purity was something I really admired and I trusted her a ton for never doing anything with another other than kissing and some Other terrible stuff that I was able to get over but nothing below waist on her.

She Lied to my face over and over saying nothing happened about 100 different times brought up in different situations and moods but always the same answer.. She was always swearing on anything she could that nothing ever happened but we got into a little argument one day and she came out with it AFTER we had been engaged for 6 months and she was so remorseful and said she couldn't tell me because she knew that I would have left.. And yea, she was right, I would have left. We have been together since we were 15 and were both 23 now.. We had a 1 year break up during junior year at high school but that was it..

The thing is I feel like I am the one to blame.. On the phone she told me I lost my soul mate and that this isn't what God wanted.. I kept my cool but had no clue what to say other than "I know your confused but you know if you have a problem we can always sit down and talk about it and fix things" but she refused to listen saying that she just couldn't do this anymore which boggles my mind completely since everything seemed good at the time. I tried so hard to say my last plea to her via email since after her phone call she just flat out changed her number because I assume she either thought I would blow up her phone or she wouldn't be able to let go if I called her. Its so messed up.

Everything was perfect and then boom I can't breathe sleep eat or anything.. All I do is feel remorse. Like for some reason I didn't hold up on my end of the bargain or something. I gave her multiple forgiving chances and all but just up and leaving me like this was something I never expected... She told me she was taking control of her life but believe me when I say that I wasn't controlling and I said she can do whatever makes her happy but she always responded with "well that would be marrying you and having kids"..

I feel like such s**t, Like I failed, Like I lost my soul mate and that its my fault... Worst of all I feel like I will never find anyone who I loved as much as my Kirstie in all the different ways that I did. She was truly one of a kind, She had it all, The most beautiful looks, body, personality, sex was great probably will never have anything better... I just feel hopeless like I really did lose it all and I JUST can't bare to see her with another man or someone I might know. I am so broken. I don't know what to do anymore everything is a challenge and feels like I'm going through hell. I miss her all day everyday and I know she is upset too but probably not to the extent that I am.

I feel like I'm not good enough to catch another girl as perfect as she was in every way. It sucks so much. Below is what I look like.. She told me she was still highly attracted to me but never went into detail as to why this happened. She also promises me and swears she never cheated on me or had anyone else on the side and I honestly believe that but I just don't get where I went wrong.. I don't understand why she wouldn't just want to sit down and talk about it and figure it out with me if I meant so much to her like she said... Remember she was literally laying in my lap on the way home from her cousins wedding saying how much she prays I'll never leave her 5 days prior to her leaving me and disconnecting her phone... I lost the love of my life and No one has made me feel better not even close friends who I've talked to many times... They try and some have been in long relationships too but This was a unique one or so it feels just because she had every tiny attribute I wanted in a woman from her gorgeous looks to her personality and much more. Lost my significant other.. I feel like none of my close friends or family can relate...

Please help I feel like I'm in a coma.

[talaniman]

After 8 years, you are supposed to be crushed, devastated, depressed, and a whole lot of bad things. Its going to take an awfully long time but you will recover, and heal, mourn this loss, and rebuild a life without her.

Sorry for your loss, and I know the shock hasn't worn off yet. It will. Let friends and family help you through this.

[Prusec]

Clearly the passages that she had been presented with at home church caused her to reflect on her guilt - something the church is very good at. She will have been told she's a whore, and will rot in hell, and be barren and doomed to a damned existence - isn't the church a nice place?
The flipside is that if church put her here, then you can use the same argument to bring her out of it. First - the church is poison, and you should try to stop her going. Second, Christianity is about Forgiveness, and if you put in a churchlike context you may have a useful effect - She seems to have decided that 'god' doesn't want this for them.. this is utter nonsense, and I would respond by telling her that god tests his followers and forgives those who are truly repetant. Jesus would not brand her a whore and doom her to hell - he would forgive her, and it's HIS example we are supposed to follow. So tell her you forgive her, and all you want to do is love her for the rest of your lives. THAT is what god wants - under all circumstances. By not accepting your forgiveness and love she is torturing herself unnecessarily. This was simply a test, and it can be passed easily with forgiveness and love.
Sometimes I'd like to take religion.. all of them.. and give them a good shaking by the throat!

[vanheart]

"even though I wasn't planning on calling her anyway"
That's important, I caught that one. She wasn't what you really wanted. Honestly. Until she was gone.

"I feel like I'm not good enough to catch another girl as perfect as she was in every way."
That's crazy talk.

"She told me she was taking control of her life"
Start taking control of yours. Without her.

Higher power.

[vanheart]

Here's the thing,

Whether it be 8 years, 8 months or whatever.
Time or reasons. What you wanted, believed, or heard.
That's all changed.

All in the past. I know how that feels.

Its going to take lots of time & effort on your part to heal. Let everything settle.
The first order is to go NC. Don't have any contact with her.

After 8 years, it time to start living for you, not her.

You have other love in your life, right? Inside. Family, friends, etc..

The ones that haven't bailed on you. Get with them.

"She never cared if I came or not"

Hindsight, huh?

[pandead]

I agree 100% with vanheart here.
I know it will sound meaningless to you, but I will say it anyway :
She was NOT perfect for you, but you don't see it yet. Start by thinking that if she really was, she wouldn't have left you. The rest will follow.

Go NC and build a new life without her.