[cennet]

Where were you when she was out getting pregnant, it seems to me that you need to be more aware of your child's whereabouts, your lucky a pregnancy is all she got

[TheSavage]

where were you when she was out getting pregnant, it seems to me that you need to be more aware of your childs whereabouts, your lucky a pregnancy is all she got

How can a parent be with a child 24/7? -- Savage

[kanicky73]

alkalineangel, your absolutely correct that from a "legal" stand point mom can not force her to do anything. That is what's wrong with this entire thing! You can better believe if it were me in this mothers position, I would not be thinking about what the law says, and I would telling my daughter the way its going to be! If my daughter was smart enough and did her homework on the whole legal aspect of it and told me to buzz off, then so be it. But if she was smart enough to do that, maybe she should have prevented an unwanted pregnancy!

[Synnen]

Kanicky: I wish you a pregnant 14 year old daughter so that you can eat your words.

I was a pregnant teenager who was a straight A student, and who was using 3 forms of birth control.

If you were my mom, I'd tell you to go to hell, and make DAMN sure you didn't have access to your grandchild.

[ScottGem]

That is whats wrong with this entire thing! You can better believe if it were me in this mothers position, I would not be thinking about what the law says, and I would telling my daughter the way its going to be!

And you would be alienating your daughter and tearing apart your family. There comes a point where you can't "TELL" kids what to do. You can only advise them and hope for the best.

[cc11]

my daughter just turned 14 last week and found out she is 4 weeks pregnant, i dont no what to do

I'm 15 and I'm 2mouths pregnant and I told my mom and she got mad at me and kicked me out of the house
I'm just saying don't kick your daughter out of house that is not going to setle any thing now I live with my dad now...

cc11

[alkalineangel]

Kanicky - what is "telling" your daughter "what to do" going to do actually? Do you think her life will be better because of it... or are you thinking about YOUR life? If a young girl is forced into a life changing situation that most adults can hrdly handle (adoption, abortion) how do you think she is going to feel towards the person who forced her to do it. It is irrational to think you can make her do what you want like a little marrionette. She is already in a difficult, adult, scary situation as it is, and you will only make matters worse, not fix them, by forcing her to do anything. Is it really worth losing your daughter? Because that is what will happen. She will resent you for the rest of her life, and will be emotionally scarred. She has a right to a decision here, and there is nothing you can do about it. You may not like her decision, but at least it is hers. She will be forever changed by this situation, why would you want to make it any more life changing than it already is.

[Matt3046]

A baby is always good. The circumstances may not be but, still they are so cute. It's you grandchild and part of your family.

[kanicky73]

Well, then if we can no longer "tell" our kids what to do, then why bother with anything else. Why should we tell them to stay in school, why should we tell them to strive to get good grades, why should we tell them not to do drugs? Get my point? Or does this only apply to if someone gets pregnant? I think not. That is the problem with our society now a days. Parents are not educating their children from the start, showing them at an early age the risks of unprotected sex. Im not saying that all kids are going to listen but at least if you took the time and said your peace and gave your son or daughter all the resources and all the information they needed to make good choices, if they then made a bad one you know that you have done what you could. We are giving too much power to the children in this world and we as parents are losing it. Remember how most of us were brought up? I am willing to bet that most of us were spanked a time or two. Try and do that to your kids now and you'll have protective services at your door. Its time we as parents take a stand and say, no! It isn't right for my 14 year old to be having a baby! Its my opinion, nothing more. But you can bet that my two children can come and talk to me about anything and I have educated them on the risks of such behavior.

[kanicky73]

Kanicky: I wish you a pregnant 14 year old daughter so that you can eat your words.

I was a pregnant teenager who was a straight A student, and who was using 3 forms of birth control.

If you were my mom, I'd tell you to go to hell, and make DAMN sure you didn't have access to your grandchild.

But Synnen why were you having sex at age 14? You don't see anything wrong with that? So are you going to allow your 14 year old to have sex or are you going to educate him/her and do your absolute best as their parent to show them ALL the risks? I know we can not stop them, if they are going to do it, they will do it. I was terrified to even think about sex at age 14 because my mother, who was a single mom at that, told me of all the risks involved and what could happen even if I used birth control. Like I said it doesn't work on every kid but if you make a difference in just one, that's a big difference! You made is sound as though if my daughter didn't listen to me then I was going to turn my back on her. That is not what I said.

[ScottGem]

We can't "tell" them what to do, but we can ADVISE them what to do. We can explain why the advice we give will lead to their having better lives.

I hope you can see the difference between giving orders and helping kids make the best decisions.

[kanicky73]

Sometimes "giving orders" is needed. If I had the choice to order that my child not smoke meth or advise her not to. I'm sure you can guess which way I would go on that.

[Tuscany]

The way I see it you can do this two ways.

Kanicky73's way. Where you tell the daughter how it is going to be. Not giving her a chance to decide what is right for her body, for her future. Taking all control out of your daughter's hand. Which then could lead to resentment or even a breakup of your relationship with your daughter. Which could than lead to her trying to raise this child on her own and cutting you out completely.

Or you could support her. Guide her in her choices. Allow her to make an educated decision. Talk openly with your daughter about the changes that are going to occur. She is a child in a very grownup situation. She could use your guidance right now.

By being harsh, by placing blame, that is not going to change anything. Support, love and nurture, but also educate your daughter. She will be a better mother because of you...

[Tuscany]

Sometimes "giving orders" is needed. If i had the choice to order that my child not smoke meth or advise her not to. I'm sure you can guess which way I would go on that.

Unfortunately kanicky ordering your child not to do something does not mean that they won't do it. You can order your child not to smoke meth until you are blue in the face, but are you going to be there throughout their entire life making decisions for them? If not, then guess what, they may decide to defy your "order" and still do it.

[Synnen]

There's a BIG difference between advising them how NOT to get pregnant, and how to make good choices, and TELLING your daughter how she will handle HER pregancy.

I wasn't having sex at 14... I did manage to wait until 16, and then it was with a guy I'd dated for 2 years, and who I thought (at the time) that I would marry. I was 16, not stupid. I researched birth control, I used three frickin' forms of birth control! I talked to my doctor AND my mom about it (my mom, by the way, reacted like most moms--"You're not going on birth control! You're going to get pregnant! Don't have sex, don't have sex, don't have sex, you're too young" instead of sitting down and calmly talking to me about it.) I found out later that I got pregnant against a hell of a lot of odds--I'd had a one in something like 100,000 chance of getting pregnant.

It was also my second time having sex.

So... my mom telling me what I could and couldn't do with my pregnancy only made me hide all of my decisions from my mom. Didn't change my mind in any way, just made me alienate my mother.

Should parents be able to punish their kids? Absolutely. Should they be able to tell them to stay in school, stay off drugs, etc, Of course!

Should they be able to tell their child what to do with her pregnancy? Sure! Should they be able to ENFORCE that? Absolutely not. My mother would have had me raising my daughter at 17, which would have done nothing but make me hate my mother AND my daughter. Even at 17, I knew that.

[kanicky73]

Unfortunately kanicky ordering your child not to do something does not mean that they won't do it. You can order your child not to smoke meth until you are blue in the face, but are you going to be there throughout their entire life making decisions for them? If not, then guess what, they may decide to defy your "order" and still do it.

You are correct, but if you read what I have posted I have already said that. I never said just because I order my child not to do something means they won't do it.

[kanicky73]

I think I am being misunderstood on where I stand on this. So I will explain my answer again. Also Synnen you never answered my question, but went around it very nicely so I will ask again. Do you think it was OK for you to be having sex at 16? And would you allow your 16 year old to be having sex? So back to my answer, if my daughter at age 14 came to me and told me she was pregnant, there are so many things to consider. School, clothes, day care, formula, diapers. I do not think that any 14 year old at the maturity level they are at can even comprehend what it takes to raise a child. Us as the parents know a little about it. I am not saying that I would force my 14 year old to have an abortion, because my opinion is that is wrong. What I would do is tell her that adoption is a better choice. Lets be honest here in cases like this its not the 14 year old who ends up actually taking care of this child, costs and all. I have seen my own sister lose her entire teenage years because she had a baby at 16. You can't go back and do it over, so why not give yourself a fighting chance. No 14, 15 or 16 year old needs to be raising a baby, bottom line. This time is the building block of their future.

[Synnen]

I don't think it's RIGHT to be having sex at 13-14-15-16, but let's be realistic: it happens. Would I want my daughter doing it? Well, she's 15, and I sincerely hope she's not having sex. However, I don't have any more influence on her than giving birth. I placed her for adoption after birth.

Frankly, while most of the time I'm at peace with choosing adoption, it was and is HELL to deal with. And I walked into it, eyes open! To force someone to choose adoption... well, you may as well sign their death certificate, since most of the birthmothers I know (and granted, my viewpoint is somewhat skewed, as I seem to meet only the ones who need help) have attempted suicide at some point. Last year, we mourned the loss of a friend who couldn't live without her child after the adoptive parents closed the adoption.

So... would I separate my daughter from her child? Not on your life. Would I be disappointed? Yes. But I'd NEVER make her choices for her.

[ScottGem]

In the play The Fantasticks, there is a song title Just Say No. one of the choruses goes like this:

Why did the kids put beans in their ears
No one can hear with beans in their ears
After awhile the reason appears
They did it cause we said No!

The song details how two fathers manipulated their son and daughter to want to be with each other by staging a feud and building a wall between their houses.

The point of all this is that ordering kids not to do something is a sure fire way to get them to do it. Yes there are times when we must order our kids around. I remember a time when my daughter was 17 and she wanted to go to a meeting of one of our clubs in a blizzard. I had gone to the store before it started snowing and come back with more than an inch on the ground and building. On my way back I was sideswiped by another car. I had to take the car keys from my dtr to prevent her from going. As it turned out the meeting was cancelled.

But such times are few and far between. You can't order a teenager not to have sex. If they become pregnant you can't order them about what to do about it. You have to let them grow up.

[urlittlerachie]

my daughter just turned 14 last week and found out she is 4 weeks pregnant, i dont no what to do

What ever you do don't yell at her that's like the worse but I think you should talk to her tell her no matter what happiends ull always be there for her