[GSAnonymous]

I hesitated putting this out there because I should be strong enough to make a decision, but here I go. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. She has been separated from her husband for 3 years. He still loves her and wants to be with her. She denied it, but I read text messages on her phone from him stating that he misses and loves her. He recently sent her a birthday card stating that he's happied he married her and loves and misses her. I still haven't seen her do it in return, but it doesn't mattter. She got upset because I went through her stuff and I admit it was wrong. However, she's lied many times and for some reason, I felt like going through her things. I know they say if you dig deep enough, you will always find something, but I don't expect to find messages or cards like this.

She states that she did him wrong, feels bad for him and doesn't want to hurt his feelings. She doesn't want to add salt to the wound. I told her that I don't care about his feelings. If you are just friends as you state, there's no reason why he shouldn't know that you're in a relationship. He doesn't need to know the details, but he should know she's with me. She states she's in the process of getting divorced and that should be enough for him, but he told her even if they divorce, they can re-marry and start fresh. She won't even tell her father we live together because she's afraid he will tell her ex.

She says that she loves me and is only with me. She comes home to me every day and that should be enough. I don't know about anyone else reading this, but it truly bothers me to see another man tell someone I love that he loves and misses her; three years after they split up.

Am I taking this too personal?

[talaniman]

They were married at one time, and that doesn't just go away. I would think that instead of jealousy, an atmosphere of trust would be enough that she wouldn't have to hide anything.

That's what I would have told her from the beginning, and never gave it a second thought, because this was a telling statement,

She has been separated from her husband for 3 years. WHY NO DIVORCE? He still loves her and wants to be with her. She denied it, but I read text messages on her phone from him stating that he misses and loves her. He recently sent her a birthday card stating that he's happied he married her and loves and misses her. I still haven't seen her do it in return, but it doesn't matter. YES IT DOES, SHE COMES HOME TO YOU, NOT HIM

I have to say though that giving your heart to a person who has a foot in, and a foot out of marriage was not that wise to my way of thinking, as anybody that just left a long relationship, is not a great bet for a partner anyway. Dating casually, maybe, and from a safe emotional distance, but exclusive commitment? Oh hell no!

That's what you have here, a mess, that needs clearing up with some honest communications, NOT snooping. He, the (EX) husband, is not the problem, the communications between you is. The only way for a couple to define the boundaries of good behavior, is to honestly discuss things.

Do you live together? I can't imagine living with some one I was just dating, hope your not, and if you have no understanding, or commitment between you, other than dating, you have no business, in her business.

Certainly not snooping. That in itself shows a rather insecure relationship. I have never thought of snooping, because its easier just to get rid of someone you don't believe in the first place.

[GSAnonymous]

She never divorced him because she uses his health benefits. Yes, we have been living together for over a year now. We have both been married twice and are in no rush to re-marry.

I don't complain that she wants to be his friend. I'm more secure than that because I'm divorced and know what it's like to have an ex. I have dated in the past and had no problem if they remained friends with their exes. As long as there aren't any boundaries crossed. There have been occasions where I have been on the phone with my ex and after I get off, I get an ear full from my girlfriend.

Either way, I'm done with the snooping, but I do believe she should let her ex know that she's in a relationship. It's not fair for me to see someone tell her he loves and misses her and it's not fair to him because he most likely thinks she's available.

Thanks for you advice. It's definitely well received.

[talaniman]

I hope you can talk honestly, and resolve your issues to the benefit of you both.

[mmresd]

You need to stop looking for stuff if you can't handle it. Why does it matter if someone is saying those things to your lady, the important thing is what SHE is doing, whatever he does is none of your business. Enjoy your relationship, focus your time on making it better, not on childish hide and seek games with your girlfriend. And if she doesn't want to tell anyone is because (as she sold you), not stir any problems, she is still with YOU, and like you said... that is what MATTERS!

[Traanquell]

Bad advice indeed, do not listen to that. This must be your ole lady best friend or something. Because once you are with somebody and some conflict comes between the two, how will you be able to become that foundation that she stands on. This is a very sticky situation and how ex boyfriends, husbands, or whatever think that they can control other folks relationships. Believe me, if she is hiding you from the world then what will become once the ex decides to come back?