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two0609 · Sep 25, 2011, 08:51 PM

My lady dumped for another dude she met, and then she came back to me. At first I was really excited to have her back, but then I just starting thinking about the past, and it felt like she cheated on me, and it made me pretty sad. Not sure what to do. Should I feel lucky, should I end it, will this hurt go away?

Jake2008 · Sep 25, 2011, 11:40 PM

I'm not sure how old you are, two, but, I feel for you. It is never easy to go through the wringer of breaking up after being dumped, only to have started to heal, and then face the relationship again, in order to start over.

We all make mistakes. We all screw up in relationships. That she did what she did may not mean that she isn't sincere in regretting what she did, and really wants to make her relationship with you work.

But, it is important, and necessary that you accept your feelings of doubt mean you are not completely ready to fully forgive and forget. Personally I think that is nature's way of protecting us from being deeply hurt again.

Being dumped and disgarded is horrible. You are left to go through the resulting hell on your own, and try to pick up the pieces and move on with your life. To have this done to you hurts more than just about anything.

My advice to you is to not force anything. Things are NOT the same, and you do not feel the same as you did about her before she dumped you. Be honest with her, and tell her that you have doubts, that you have not yet understood or accepted fully what she did, and until you do, you have to set some expectations.

One of those expectations might reasonably be, is couples counselling. At the very least, the two of you need to talk, and keep talking, and moving slowly. Don't allow yourself to dismiss your feelings as being not worthy, or unimportant just to keep her, or keep the peace. If it were me, I would be very, very reluctant to trust her fully again, until enough time has passed that you no longer have to question her honesty, and commitment, to you.

phillysteakandcheese · Sep 26, 2011, 08:20 AM

You should end it.

She left you for the new guy... In other words, you weren't good enough to stay with when someone "better" came along.

How soon until the next "better" someone comes along?

You are the safety net she can return to when her "upgrade" doesn't work out. Be done with this woman...

two0609 · Sep 26, 2011, 08:33 AM

Yeah, that's it exactly, I just don't feel the same way I used to. Its just so different now, like the magic is gone. I don't think she would ever do it again, but its hard to say. And when we first starting hanging out, she said she loved me and we had sex, but she was actually just playing both of us ( the other guy), which really hurt, because I felt like I got dumped twice. Then she deleted me from her phone, got on a relationship status with the guy on Facebook and left me for dead. That sucked so bad. After she said she loved me, and I forgave her, only to have her blast me again. Uggg. So lame. Then she calls and basically tells me how lame I am for only taking one class at college and living off my parents, which was so lame, because I only needed one credit for my major, and was looking really hard for work. So it was like she rips out my heart and then ****s on me, but as crazy as this sounds, I still loved her. I don't know, maybe I was just so broken and beat up from it all, that I just could not see straight.
So then she calls and says she wants to get back together, and it was all right for a little bit, but the past was just eating away at me, and plus she was being too close to this kid at school. She said they were just friends, but they were texting all the time, and it sketched me out, so I just bailed. Then she came to my work, just begging to have me back in her life. Just crying, and begging. So I felt bad and took her back, but to be honest with you, the pain was still there. I tried to end it a few more times, but the same thing kept happening she would just start crying and begging, and I would feel bad and take her back. I would only leave her for a few days. So now Im in this bad stop. I just feel like ****. Im trying so hard to let go of the past, forgive, and love her like I used to, and I feel bad for wanting to end it and hurting her, and scared to be a lone, and sad that this used to be the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and now its just different. Lost!

two0609 · Sep 26, 2011, 08:46 AM

And its making it hard to concentrate at work, actually lost some good jobs because I of my depression from this, and one thing in the past which I did not mention is I cheated on her twice in the past, a long long time ago. One time I was just piss drunk and this girl pressed me up against a wall, and the other time my lady called one day, and basically just told me how much of a loser I was, and how she knew it was a risk dating me, so I just got mad and wanted to feel a live, not trying to make excuses but that's what happened, but she has made out with two guys while we were dating too, so I guess we are pretty even, and one time she dumped for it, took me back, and then slept with my friend to get back at me, which really ****ing hurt. I don't know. This sucks.

two0609 · Sep 26, 2011, 08:49 AM

And so yeah Im just depressed, and its hard to focus at work, and she lives in another city, and its hard to find time for me, and I'm young, and feel like my time is being squeezed away, this is the time of my life, I should not be depressed.

phillysteakandcheese · Sep 26, 2011, 09:21 AM

That fear of being alone does a lot to mess with your head, and makes you accept things that you otherwise would never even consider.

Looking at all this history... I think you need to be strong and end it... Then take some time to look back at what you've done in this relationship. Neither of you were behaving like you should if you were in a healthy relationship.