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Mad2020 · Sep 20, 2011, 06:56 AM

Have a boyfriend for almost 6 years and we're on the stage of planning to get married next year. But I caught him flirting with his friend (YM CHAT). I read all the messages that he misses her and hope to see her soon. And I think something happened between them (sex)(according to the messages) I confronted him but he told me nothing happened b/w them. I was very hurt. I have tried to break up with him but he cries and begs me not to leave him. He asked me for a chance and forgivenes and even I, can't bring myself to break up with him. He's my life. But I don't know how I can trust him after all, Im so paranoid what if he do it again. Even we're OK, I still can't sleep, I feel unsecured.

I know I don't deserve it, but I feel tortured. But I also can't imagined myself without him. How can I forgive him? Do I need to hold on him? DO I have to trust him again.

Cat1864 · Sep 20, 2011, 07:29 AM

To be blunt: IF you want to keep the relationship, then yes you are going to have to learn to trust him again. IF you feel like you can't work together to rebuild the trust, then let him and the relationship go. No sense in hurting yourself to hurt him.

Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Forgiving means that you accept he knows he made a mistake and you are willing to work with him to rebuild the trust. You probably will not forget what happened (or rather what you think happened.) You can learn how to let it fade but the memory will be there for a very long time. You can learn how to keep it from affecting your life.

You might consider couple's counseling or a 'marriage class' (some places give discounts on marriage licenses to those who complete 'marriage' classes.) It could help you find ways to communicate and work through the issues.

Good luck.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 20, 2011, 09:44 AM

Your just assuming it was a sexual relationship. It might not have been. Either way, it sounds like you want to work through this.

Thinking that before marriage, Grown catholic that I was, we had to take classes and do tests, and counseling before marriage. It is an important step before marriage regardless of the issues.

It takes time, it will not be over night. You both have things to work through and as long as your both working through these issues and have a third party help you guys through this it could help you become closer as a couple.

talaniman · Sep 20, 2011, 04:33 PM

I think if you keep working together you can get through this but don't get married until you have done the very hard work of restoring trust. You will never forget, but you can move beyond it if you forgive.

mmresd · Sep 20, 2011, 05:50 PM

You have two clear options.

One is to break up with him because you feel you will never be able to forgive him and will never trust him again (for something that you are assuming her did, considering that he told you that he and this friend didn't do anything, you are already not wanting to trust him from the beginning).

Options number two is to forgive him (for something he didn't even do) and to learn to trust him again.

vanheart · Sep 20, 2011, 09:11 PM

Whether he did physically, he did emotionally.
What did we do before texts?

After 6 years, now its time to talk. Before any further plans.

Its trust & decisions now.
How you will both move forward, if both of you are still invested.
Counseling?

Work time.

Mad2020 · Nov 21, 2011, 12:36 AM

After 6 years to be with my BF, I'd just found out that he cheated on me. He kept the secret for almost 10 months that he had an affair with his friend. At first he denied, then accidentally I talk to his friend about everything and the girl admit that they did it (sex). He say sorry and he promise that he will never do that again. I asked him why he did that to me and he say's he doesn't know and feel ashame of what he did. I felt so betrayed. Im so hurt and I can't stand it and I also don't want to let him go, but every time I saw him ALL THE PAIN COMES BACK. He pleases me to comeback and really felt SORRY .

I don't know what to do.. Its still fresh ( it was happened 3 days back). I don't know what to think and what will happened. I don't know how to forgive, will I still forgive and move on or what..

I really don't know what to do. Im alone and my Family is not here with me. Im living with him
14 minutes ago - 4 days left to answer

DaniCalifornia · Nov 21, 2011, 04:44 AM

I always wonder what's going through people's minds after they cheat and have to explain. MY opinion is that he's not valuing you as highly as he should. You've devoted 6 (assumingly faithful) years to him! And not only did he DO the deed, but it isn't like he came crying to you afterwards, honestly begging for forgiveness. But it's a very big decision to make, what to do. Do you think you can get over what he's done and trust him again?

On the other hand, I've never committed adultery, so I don't know whether it's possible to regret. My opinion is, if they aren't faithful, they don't deserve it back! (I.E: I'd pack my bags.) Maybe try a separation. Few weeks without him. Have a proper think, and see how you feel.

X Dani

hidden123 · Nov 21, 2011, 02:26 PM

I agree that you need to take more time to think.. I know it's difficult since you live together, but, I'd sleep in a separate bedroom. If you only have one bedroom - have him sleep on the couch. You need time for two reasons, in my opinion: 1. think about what has happened and weather this is something you can forgive ( I don't think you'll ever forget), take a more closer look at your relationship; 2. He needs to sweat and worry that you won't take him back.. if you just forgive him right away and take him back quickly - he'll see how easy it was to get back in your graces and may have a bigger chance of doing it again...

sharper11 · Nov 21, 2011, 02:38 PM

I'm sorry you are having this horrible thing happen right now, in your life. Right now you are probably confused about everything. What I would first is examine whether you are ready to marry this person.

Like"hidden123" said, your BF did not tell you himself, and probably would have kept it from you if you didn't find out from someone else. "Guilt after the fact" is skeptical.

The next thing you should think about is TRUST. Can you trust him? Relationships that last a lifetime are built on trust. If that trust is broken, it is very hard to get it back. If you cannot picture yourself forgiving him, this relationship will not work. (I am not suggesting you make it work either, it is your choice.)

Good Luck. And again, I am sorry, keep your head-up.

talaniman · Nov 21, 2011, 03:42 PM

Your questions were merged together and edited.

Your worst fears were confirmed, and now you need time, more than 4 days to let the emotions settle down, and then decide what you want to do about it. You are angry, upset, and afraid right now, so him sleeping on the couch until YOU feel like dealing with this is the way to go.

Leaving is acceptable, asking him to leave until you are ready is also acceptable. Anger is okay, not violence, but some name calling to vent.

You don't have to forgive, or forget right now. So don't.