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sccowgirl43 · Sep 17, 2011, 07:23 PM

I have a daughter 19 that could not wait to leave home and she did and finally found someone to take her in. Since then she was 17 at the time and met a man 29 they hooked up and moved in together, we did not approve of them being together. This is not the first time she has threw us away pretty much. We are blocked from everything and cannot not get any messages to her. I don't even try anymore. She has throwed us away and replaced us with her new family they are married now and she has nothing to do with any of her main family. Me stepdad brother and sister. I wonder everyday how to deal with the pain I have in my heart not having my child in my life. She always had it good at home and would have had anything she wanted she was on her way at getting my car. I tried to teach her to respect herself. I know I am not the blame but sometimes I feel like I can't stand the pain any longer. What can I do to get past the heartache.

joypulv · Sep 18, 2011, 03:20 AM

I am sympathetic, but you do contradict yourself by saying she would have had anything she wanted, yet you opposed the one thing she wanted, her relationship with the man she married. You do the best you can raising children but MUST let them make their own choices about people by the time they are in their late teens. Now you have lost her, but hopefully only temporarily. Back off, and send a card at Christmas and birthdays, and say only I love you. Then wait, and wait some more.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 18, 2011, 04:43 AM

Originally Posted by sccowgirl43

I have a daughter 19 that could not wait to leave home and she did and finally found someone to take her in. Since then she was 17 at the time and met a man 29 they hooked up and moved in together, we did not approve of them being together. This is not the first time she has threw us away pretty much. We are blocked from everything and cannot not get any messages to her. I don't even try anymore. She has throwed us away and replaced us with her new family they are married now and she has nothing to do with any of her main family. Me stepdad brother and sister. I wonder everyday how to deal with the pain I have in my heart not having my child in my life. She always had it good at home and would have had anything she wanted she was on her way at getting my car. I tried to teach her to respect herself. I know I am not the blame but sometimes I feel like I can't stand the pain any longer. What can I do to get past the heartache.

She is an adult now. Wanting to have her own life and her own family.
Even though you did not approve, it is her own life and hers to chose who she will be with. Who she will stay in contact with. There were obvious problems at home. I would think in order for her to make that decision to leave. There are issues there that need to be worked on. All I know is that I can see her side of the situation because I left home at the same age to get away from not a good home life. Everybody is to blame for the situation. At the same time you can not force her to have contact with people she does not want to have contact with.

As far as the heartache goes, the whole purpose of raising children is also when they get older learning to let go of your children and letting them fly out of the nest so to speak. There should be no heartache involved. She is an adult. She makes her own decisions. She is married. As long as she is happy that is all that should matter to you.

Maybe in the future, even years down the road there might be some way to resolve these issues. Maybe the relationships might be able to get mended and fixed but for now you just have to realize that she is an adult and grown women that chose to make these decisions in her life.

cdgnmr · Sep 25, 2011, 04:31 PM

Thank you Joe for sharing this advice. I was reading your comment to this and have a similar situation with my daughter. I hope that it will change in the future for me as well. My daughter is 17 soon to be 18, and I have told her to leave because of our unhealthy relationship. I want her to succeed in life and give her her independence and she can't do that with me around and yes, it hurts but I want her to be happy.