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goldagarda · Sep 16, 2011, 04:47 AM

Hi,

I live with 2 other girls in our house in London and we've been living together for over a year now. We're all at uni, I'm 21, almost 22 and they're both 20. For the last 3 or 4 months, I've felt really isolated by them and I don't know why, or if it's me, or them?

This all seemed to start when one of my housemates broke up with her boyfriend. She has changed very much since they broke up. I would say for the better, but its left me confused as to who she really is as a person. Her opinions have completely changed about nearly everything. I feel like she is shutting me out of everything: She now likes to hang out with my friends who before she used to tell me she didn't like and weren't 'cool' enough. She's also been trying to spend a lot of time with my best friend, without mentioning anything to me. It's not that I mind them having a friendship, but its as though she's trying to keep it a secret. My best friend has said to me that he doesn't understand why she always wants to hang around with him now either.

Now, it has gotten to a point where every time I walk into a room, I can feel the atmosphere change. I feel like both of the girls have been talking about me behind my back and I feel really uncomfortable to be in the same room as them for any length of time. They even make me feel awkward when my boyfriend is over, asking how long he's staying for etc, even though they've always gotten on really well.

I am very different to my housemates. Socially, we aren't like-minded. I am a very social person. I'm at uni so after I finish, most nights, I want to go out, or go to the pub or to a friends house. The like to go home early and sit in front of their computers. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I'm just finding it so hard to find any common ground anymore.

Sorry its such a long question, I am just completely lost as to what to do. I just feel really alone at the moment. I have other friends, but they're working during the week, as is my boyfriend, so Monday to Friday, I feel really alone. I read this back and I feel so immature as a 21 year old, but it's got to a point where I don't want to live in my house anymore, because I feel so uncomfortable.

Please, if you've been in a similar situation or have any advice as to how I can fix this, please help!

Stratmando · Sep 16, 2011, 06:39 AM

Maybe share with someone with more common interest.
They likely won't be able to change you, and you won't likely change them? Neither may be bad, just different.
Good Luck.

joypulv · Sep 16, 2011, 06:56 AM

This is a wild guess - the one who broke up with her boyfriend and is trying to be best friends with your best friend is plain old jealous of you having a boyfriend. She may indeed be saying things to your other roommate when you aren't around. Again, jealousy. I would have a private talk with the other roomie and ask, simply, is anything wrong (don't offer reasons, let her just answer). If she denies it, let it go. You don't have to all be friends when you have different lives, and as long as you get along on the chores, sharing, and finances, so be it.

goldagarda · Sep 19, 2011, 06:19 AM

Thanks for your advice :) I spoke with the other housemate, who said she was really sorry if I had felt isolated by her. It turns out we've both had similar problems with our other roomie, so we're going to speak to her together. I'm not too sure how to go about it as I don't want her to feel isolated in the same way I did, but at least I finally feel as though I can walk into my own kitchen without feeling uncomfortable now :)

joypulv · Sep 19, 2011, 08:38 AM

Thanks for answering back.
Even when you know it is probably something wrong in the other person's life, it still hurts.
Feel free to reply after you all 3 talk too.

goldagarda · Sep 22, 2011, 02:27 AM

Thanks for your advice!

So we tried to speak to her and it was almost like she wasn't listening to either of us. I think she felt like I was trying to influence our other housemate. She seems to have some kind of a problem with me and has now taken to trying to exclude me at any opportunity.

But I actually feel a lot better now. Her behaviour really is childish and I have rekindled my friendship with the other housemate, who has actually been really understanding and I'm going to concentrate on building that friendship rather than one that I've actually realised I don't want to have anymore. I'v done my best to sort things out, so the next move needs to come from her I think.

joypulv · Sep 22, 2011, 03:22 AM

I still think it's basic jealousy. I suppose envy is the right word to use, but we tend to use jealousy for envy. She resents you for having a 'better' life than she does.
And when two roomies get together to go talk to a third, it's bound to feel like ganging up on the third person.
One of these days, just in passing, tell her you are really sorry about whatever has happened in her life in the last year and that it seems to have changed your relationship, and that you hope you can go back to the time when you were friends. If she just brushes you off, so be it. You tried.