[soraya.n]

Hello everyone.. :
I started writing a fan fiction on Merlin BBC show a few weeks ago... but in my opinion no one even likes to read or review it... it's been a long time!like a month or more... I've only published four chapters and just stopped writing more.. because I think people don't like to review my story... this is my first experience in writing an English story... then I know that I indeed make a lot of mistakes.. but can you please please please read these few chapters and review them,please?. I really need you to help me because I like to continue this story.. this is a merthur fan fiction,right? :)... please review chapters in fanfiction.net... thanks.
Here's the link:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7335151/..._is_my_lullaby

[Wondergirl]

I read the first chapter and didn't get "hooked." I didn't care about the characters and didn't understand what was going on. The line spacing is terrible, so that makes it hard to read, the phrasing is stilted, and the dialogue sounds phony (not like real people talking). It needs serious editing. After reading chapter one, I had no interest in continuing to read.

BUT, I felt your passion in the words and, as a writer myself, understood you were pulling a story out of your soul. Other than rewriting it for you, I'm not sure what else to suggest.

Do you want me to rewrite chapter one to show you what I would do with your story? I would be careful to keep your ideas, characters, and basic dialogue.

[soraya.n]

Oh,absolutely yes.. thanks for your suggestions and thanks for reading :)... and in your opinion,how has the quality changed within next chapters... thank you very much indeed...

[Wondergirl]

I'm working on chapter one and am almost finished. Should I post it here?

[Wondergirl]

in your opinion,how has the quality changed within next chapters

You use an awful lot of energy writing trivial details and unimportant dialogue that do nothing to move the story along.

Did you first make an outline for the story? Could you summarize it in 100 words or less if someone asked you to? Do you know how it's going to end, or are you just writing as the spirit moves you?

[soraya.n]

Yes,please post it here... thank you very much,indeed.yeah,I think I should really make my mind and start over.. as I said before it was my first experience.

[Wondergirl]

I did more editing than I had planned to. There's still way too much mundane detail.

When writing dialogue, the writer doesn't have to use "so and so said" all the time, but can put the speaker's name in a descriptive sentence, such as: She sat down next to him. “You're still my little boy, aren't you?” With that, she promptly burst into tears. The reader knows the mother is speaking without being explicitly told that.

Chapter One: Hero

It was 1:00 p.m. Merlin paced back and forth in his bedroom, looking for his orange socks. His younger brother Will eyed him nervously from his perch on Merlin's bed. “PLEASE stop pacing, Merlin! You're driving me nuts.”

Thoroughly annoyed, Will left the bedroom and headed for the stairway to go downstairs. After searching fruitless through several drawers, Merlin went to his bedroom doorway and shouted, “Mom!” Where has that woman hidden my orange socks THIS time? He knew she hated them with a passion.

Merlin heard a faint “Drat!” From the top of the stairway, he could see Will sitting on the bottom step, massaging his ankle.

Hunith hurried around the corner from the kitchen to find out what all the shouting was about. “Oh, my god! Are you okay, Will?”

“Yeah, I guess I'll live.”

As Hunith helped Will stand up, Merlin shouted down the stairwell to his mom, “Where did you hide my orange socks?”

Hunith marched up the stairs to Merlin's room to see him sitting on the floor, struggling to zip a suitcase. She sat down next to him. “You're still my little boy, aren't you?” With that, she promptly burst into tears.

Merlin stood up, grabbed the handles of his two suitcases, and looked around his room for the last time to the accompaniment of his mother's sobs. “Don't do this to me. Please don't. You don't want me to live here for the rest of my life, do you?”

Hunith shook her head slowly, wiping tears with her sleeve.

“Oh, Mom!” Merlin set down his suitcases and bent down to give his mother a hug. He pressed a soft kiss on her hair and with a deep sigh picked up his suitcases again.

“Aren't you forgetting something?” Hunith asked him.

“No, Mom. I'm ready to go.”

Hunith gave him a confused look. “Your orange socks. I washed them. They're in your sock drawer.

“Too late. I'm done packing. I'll leave them here so you know I'll come home again. I've got all my clothes and books, my credit cards and licenses. That's it. I'm ready to go.”

“Are you sure?” Hunith frowned. “I think you are forgetting a very important thing.”

Merlin raised his left eyebrow. “What? I think I'm all set.”

“Your jeans, Merlin.”

Merlin looked down at his flaming skulls print pajama pants and grinned sheepishly. “Oh, yeah. Guess I'd better put on some jeans. Thanks, Mom.” He dug into his laundry hamper for yesterday's castoffs and slid them on over his pajama pants.

Hunith rose and went downstairs to make him a goodbye sandwich. “Would you like a sandwich too, Will?” she hollered toward the living room.

“Oh, yes. Thanks!” Will was on the sofa, still massaging his ankle.

Merlin clumped down the stairs, suitcases bulging.“Your ankle still sore?”

Will cursed under his breath and replied, “It's nothing. I'll be okay. I'll be able to walk, dude.”

Merlin went into the kitchen and grabbed the plateful of sandwiches Hunith had just made for the two boys.

There were choruses of “Mmmmmm, delicious! Thanks!” as the two boys quietly munched ham and cheese sandwiches.

“How's your ankle now?” Merlin asked with his mouth full. Will said nothing, but just kept chewing. Merlin grabbed the remote and leaned back on the couch. “Wonder what's on TV?”

As he surfed through the channels, Will yelled, “Stop!” The boys' eyes widened as they listened to the newsreader, “... and now let's turn to our interview earlier today with Arthur Pendragon, our hero for today.” Merlin said something under his breath as he heard the word “hero” and then took another bite of his sandwich.

A new voice came out of the TV. “My name is Arthur Pendragon and I'm not a hero.”

“Oh, yeah... but you are such a prat! Who wouldn't want to be called a hero?” Merlin growled at this Arthur person.

The interview continued: “…I just turned 18, actually.”

“So we're peers, are we?” Merlin rolled his eyes and began to poke fun of each of Arthur's statements.

“I was born into a wealthy family.” (“So you are a SNOBBY prat!”)

“My career? You know, it's pretty difficult during the summer. I get into a lot of duels, all of which makes me hot!” (“Oh, really! I'll bet you sweat a lot too.”)

The two boys laughed. Merlin looked at Will struggling to control his laughter. “You are so funny, man!”

Will was supposed to do some errands for their father, so he had to leave soon.

“I'm sorry you're leaving, Merlin. You have no idea how much I want go along to the airport, but I have do this other stuff.”

Merlin stood up. “I understand Goodbye, dude.” Merlin pulled Will into a hug. “You totally are my best friend ever. I will never forget you.”

Will hugged him back. “You have always been a great brother. Don't forget to keep in touch when you're away.”

“Right, man. Of course I will!”

Will said goodbye to Hunith and left.

Merlin went back to his room to grab his backpack and another suitcase and carried them down to the living room. He arranged the three suitcases and backpack next to the front door and sat down to watch the TV interview for another ten minutes until it was time to leave. Hunith went upstairs to her room to get ready.

“So tell us, Arthur. When did you hold a sword for the first time?”

“Erm…I can't remember exactly. I've been training to fight since birth!” (“And how long have you been training to be such a prat, Arthur the Hero?”) Totally annoyed, Merlin turned off the TV.

“I'm ready, Merlin,” Hunith announced. ”Take your luggage to the car.”

It was 2:30 p.m. when Hunith and Merlin finally left the house.

[soraya.n]

Oh my god!. Thank you... I don't know how to appreciate your great and unbelievable favor... you've rewritten this chapter so incredibly great... :)thanks.I'm still too young and inexperienced... but with the help of kind and professional people like you,I'll soon get the hang of it... you know,It's also so difficult to think and write in a foreign language in the age of 16!. thanks,again... next time I'll do what you said.I'll make an outline for the story and try to think of everything before I write it down and publish it.

[Wondergirl]

I'll make an outline for the story and try to think of everything before i write it down and publish it.

Write your story first in Word, edit it, then move it to the fan-fiction site. DO NOT compose on the site.