[DiaryNotes]

Three months ago, my husband passed away after a hospitalisation that lasted for about 5 months.
He was my everything.
I grew up hating men because during my childhood and teenage years, I was abused regularly by my father, and because of that, only the thought of a man touching me was repulsive and scary to me.
But when I met my husband, things changed. He was so patient and kind to me. I loved him with all my heart and he was the most loving and tender man in the world. He made me trust him and he was the first (and only) man I ever made love with. We married after a while and had two beautiful children, my daughter who is now 14 and my son who is 13.
Alas, my husband was diagnosed with an aggressive type of brain cancer. His health was going from bad to worse to the point where he had to be moved to the hospital.
A few days after my husband was hospitalised I found out I was pregnant to our third child. At the time, I was totally neglecting myself. I was staying at the hospital all day, with zero sleep or food. The only food I was eating was the one my mom forced me to eat. My husband was my only priority and I devoted all of my time and energy to him.
When my husband passed away, I was seven months pregnant. My intense grieving during my husband's funeral caused me some very strong contractions and I had to be taken to the hospital. I gave birth to a baby boy that didn't make it and passed away soon after he was born.
My guilts for not taking proper care of myself during my pregnancy, are killing me. The only comforting thought is that my little boy will be in heaven with his daddy now.
I miss my husband so much. I still can't believe he is gone forever. I still think that I'll hear the keys on the door and see him coming in. And sometimes I swear I still hear him playing his guitar. I must be crazy but I still hear the guitar echoing in our house. He used to play all the time. It was like our home had its own personal soundtrack and now everything is just so quiet.
Those last three months that my husband is gone, I literally live in my bedroom. My employers were kind enough to give me some time off to deal with my loss, so I'm always at home, and more specifically, my bedroom, where I either sleep all day or just lay there crying. I don't eat, move or shower, I don't feel like doing anything that normal people do. I just don't care about these things.
The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is my kids, for whom I try to be there for but I don't want them to see me like this, so I spend most of the day isolated in my bedroom.
My mom has moved in with me to help me take care of them and I try my best but when I look at my kids, I see my husband and I can't hold my tears. Especially, my little boy, who looks like my husband's clone. I know it sounds strange but I can't even look at my own children. No matter how hard I try, when I look into my son's eyes, I see my husband's eyes and I want to scream from pain.
On top of everything else, I have to deal with ignorant relatives who can't stop telling me how I'm young and I must move on with my life because I can't spend the rest of my life alone. They don't understand that I won't want any other man ever again.
I want to make things better for my children but the sorrow inside me is so massive. All I feel is endless sadness, loneliness, guilts and helplessness.

[nelsoo]

I am very sad to hear these, wish you peace and happiness later in life.

[joypulv]

You do need regular therapy, at least once a week and maybe twice for a while. One reason is because the therapist is PAID to 'see you this way' and you don't have to feel like you are dragging her or him down. Plus, you get some help with sorting out grief and guilt. Grief follows a course of sadness that heals, but guilt does not.

Let me ask you this: What if your baby had survived and your guilt was all transferred onto your husband dying because you were home taking care of your pregnancy? Would the pain be less? I doubt it. You made a Sophie's Choice (the movie with Meryl Streep is worth watching, and the book is good too). She's in a Nazi concentration camp and is told she has to choose which of 2 children she will keep.

You didn't trade one life for another, but it probably feels that way. This is so serious that you really need that person to talk to.

Maybe with time you will be able to look at your beautiful children and embrace the parts of them that are your wonderful husband. He will be glad. Best wishes.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will agree, you should find at least a grief support group, there are normally many in most areas. I would strongly suggest finding professional help.

[joypulv]

DiaryNotes, how are you? I am a little worried that what I said about the movie was uncalled for. The last thing you want to do is go rent a movie, I'll bet. It was enough to get to your computer (I find my computer and all the interactions on it comforting). Please tell us how you are. Every once in a while each day the extent of your grief hits me.

[vento]

Hi
I too lost my husband on 3rd July 2011 a sudden death heart attack I was 6 months pregnant, it was a shock to me and everyday I feel like I wish I could also die but what am I going to do with my children I have now the baby boy and a 4year old son? I also like it when the time to sleep arrrives as I can forget a bit by sleeping and in the morining I regret the moment that the sun comes back again. I am also defistated since I had a husband that did everything to see us happy and helped me a lot in the house with cooking and cleaning and taking care of my 4 year old son. I feel so guilty that at that moment I frozen and didn't even know how to dial the emergerncy no what if I hurried up more and didn't lose that 5 to 7 maybe minutes would he have made it? Or what if I phoned him in the afternoon would he have told me that he is feeling pain while he was on work? But I saw him when he arrived from work and did not mention he had pain. He arrived and spoke to us and eat and clorined the pool, but he was also worried about something that might have triggered the cause?

[joypulv]

Hi vento. We (most of us anyway) feel like we could have, should have, would have done something to keep someone from dying when they did. I guess it makes you a good person to care and love that much. I don't know what else to say. Rituals help - 5 minutes every night before bed to look at pictures with the kids? Talking to him as you go around the house? Knowing that he is half of each of your children? Maybe a sort of little shrine on a shelf, a place to put his picture and you and the kids can put little mementos and favorite toys around it, for him to look down on. A baby tree planted in the yard, named for him. A puppy or kitten.
As for fate or whatever you call it: if you save someone one moment, they can die from something else the next.
This is a true story: a woman had a very old sore arthritic dog. Her vet gave him a shot. They went home and he leapt out of the car, ran into the street, and was hit by a car.
We do what we can, the best we can, for those we love. It will not be perfect.