[TurningPages]

I do my best. Not because he's older but because I like to take care of the people I love.

[0rphan]

Hi Turningpages... I go along with all the previous posts.

I personnally think if you have done as much as you can to get your boyfriends family to accept you, then just let them all get on with it, its them that are making a problem, not you.Try and rise above it for yours and your boyfriends sake,after all lets face it,there is nothing that your boyfriends family would like more than to see you both break up.Don't take the bait and let this age thing cause problems between you both,which is what it will do in the end, if you don't gain control over how you feel.

You say they all hate you... I'm sure that's not the case,yes surprise would have played a huge part when you all first met,this would have been the ignitor for... the gold digger factor etc etc... I'm sure once the shock has worn off and they can see yours is a genuine love for the guy,they will turn around.

Especially if you are both seen to be very happy together.Don't let this issue play on your mind anymore, it will affect your relationship badly if you let it... don't

I wish you both... Goodluck

[TurningPages]

@ 0rphan

Believe me, they hate me. Besides their primary shock when they first met me, they are really mean to me ever since. When I'm around, they either pretend that I'm not there or they say innuendos about my age etc. Plus, they are VERY sarcastic towards me.
Anyway, thank you very much for your kind response.

[Aurora_Bell]

I haven't read through all the posts, but I just wanted to tell you I am recently going through something similar. I recently met an older fellow, but a very, very nice man. I am in my later 20's he is in his mid 40's. He is very kind, funny and he doesn't mind moving slowly with me (I have a daughter and am not one to introduce just anyone to her). We talk everyday and we see each other frequently. He is currently working 2 hours away from where I live, so that does make things a little harder.

The difference here is I am the one who is more financially stable. Not that he doesn't have money or work, in fact he does make very good money at what he does, but being a single man with children almost the same age as me and not living at home, he felt no need to buy an elaborate home. He is modest. My problem is, his ex wife also sees me as a kid. She has sent me nasty emails and messages on Facebook. She has called me every dirty name in the book, and this relationship is not very old at all. His parents also do not approve of him hanging out with someone my age, and his friends don't respect me either. My family thinks he is using me for what I have, but never once has he given me that impression. He supports and encourages my independence while being totally romantic and chivalrous.

What I have learned is that you both need to stand up for what you think is right. If you both love each other, it shouldn't matter who approves or not. You are both adults, and in the end, it's him you will be spending your life with. You can't let these people decide yours and his happiness. Does he know how his friends and family are treating you? How does he feel about the way they act towards the situation?

[0rphan]

Hi, Turningpages,

Gosh it's really that bad... In that case I think your boyfriend has to speak to them all,how dare they treat you in that way.

I think firstly,the two of you perhaps over a meal or similar,should have a chat.Explain what has been happening,say that you didn't really want to bring the matter up hoping it would die a natural death,but this is not the case.Tell him how you have tried very hard to ignore this but it's at the point where your really getting upset about the whole situation,mention some of the things they have been doing and saying.He may not have any knowledge of this,in which case I imagine he would be extremely angry of the affect it is having on you.

Suggest that perhaps you could have a family gathering,where you could both face the family,making your situation clear to all of them,also saying how disapointed you are in their behaviour,towards the both of you,what affects you,also affects him.

He can add various statements to his conversation.. eg.I love you all but I also love the person I am stood next to,if you cannot accept the two of us together, then perhaps it will be a case of me just sending birthday/christmas cards as apposed to visiting you all,which of coure is what I really wish to continue to do.The choice is yours etc etc...

I do think he has to stand up to his family on your behalf,this is what any proper man would do,they will continue to abuse you(because that is what it is)for as long as they can get away with it.

However,if having had your chat about the situation,completely putting him in the picture,so he knows exactly how sad and upset you've been,he then brushes it to one side... then he is not the one for you.

[TurningPages]

@ Aurora_Bell

Thank you for your response. It means a lot to me since it comes from a person who goes through a similar unpleasant situation as me and knows how I feel.
My boyfriend is fully aware of the situation, even though his friends and family don't say anything insulting to me at his presence. Basically, they pretend I'm not there and give me hateful looks. But my boyfriend knows how they feel about me because even though they don't say anything to me when he's around, because he has told them to be nice to me, they work against me behind my back. I've accidentally heard him talking with his oldest daughter about me and she was telling him to come to his senses and several things about me being after his fortune. Another thing I know for sure, is that one of his closest friends (who is around his age and single) is trying to cause trouble in our relationship by trash-talking about me behind my back and trying to hook my boyfriend up with other women! When my boyfriend is not around, they've said some very mean things to me and even threatened me to leave him alone. My boyfriend is relatively patient for now because he doesn't want to fight with his family. He's already told them he won't tolerate any bad behavior towards me and he's telling me that sooner or later his family with get used to our relationship. But as I already mentioned, they don't say anything when he's around, they wait until we're left alone and then take all their hate on me.
I think things are equally unpleasant for my boyfriend as he's between the woman he cares for and his family and is trying to keep everyone satisfied.

@ Orphan

Hi Orphan,
First of all, thank you for your advice.
As I explained to my response to Aurora_Bell above, my boyfriend knows what's going on. I've told him how much all this situation hurts me and he talked to them, telling them he won't tolerate any bad behavior. They've stopped the innuedos ever since. Now they just pretend I don't exist when my boyfriend is around and they continue being insulting and sarcastic when he's not. If things get worse I'm sure my boyfriend will be very harsh on them and I'm afraid that they might make him pick among them or myself. And no matter how much he loves me, what kind of father would pick a woman over his children?

[joypulv]

Jaded old me again. I'm struck by your naïve belief that you can convince them that you are not a gold digger and that age doesn't matter, when nothing you (anyone) say means much, and in fact it could be seen as 'thou protest too much.'
I'm also struck by his seeming lack of concern for sticking up for and protecting you. What's with that?
As far as his exes and kids all getting along, sure it makes sense. They have settled financially, you aren't even at the pre nup.

[joypulv]

Oops, you explained how he does stick up for you while I was typing.

[Aurora_Bell]

How old is his youngest? There comes a time when a father has to chose his life over his adult children's lives. I don't mean that to say he should totally cut them out, but if they are adult children living their own lives, it's time for him to live his. You mentioned before that the children stay with you on the weekends, if that's the case, it's your home too, and they will have to accept who your father chooses to live with, whether they like it or not. They do not get to decide who he loves.

He is not choosing you over his kids, he is choosing to live his life in a healthy expected way. They do not get to dictate how old his girlfriends canbe, and they don't get to dictate how young is too young. I can only imagine how hard this is on you, and as little as it means, you have my support.

[TurningPages]

@ joypulv

Hi joypulv, I know what you're saying. Maybe I am naïve but I don't want to accept that things will be this hard for as much as I'm seeing this man. I want to believe there must be something I could do to improve the situation.
It's hard to be as disliked as I am and I don't think I deserve it. That's why perhaps sometimes I sound like I'm protesting too much. But when I talk to my boyfriend, I don't protest so much. I don't want to put more pressure on him.

@ Aurora_Bell

Thanks so much for the support. Even though I don't know you, it's nice to have someone understanding me.
The youngest of his kids is 12. We don't live together yet but we're planning to and his younger children (17,14,12) will stay with us during the weekends.

[talaniman]

I think you enjoy what you have while you have it, and see how it goes. You don't have to interact with his family, who needs there poison, so leave them alone, and deal with your own family.

Eight months is nice now, but you haven't stood the test of time and you never know what the future will hold, or how you will feel in a year, but no matter what the ages, be happy now and go slow, this fellow has a history of failed relationships and kids, and that's the biggest red flag that I see.

As you say, he has baggage. Age is not important, but history is.

[TurningPages]

@ talaniman

Hi and thank you for answering.
Unfortunately, I have to interact with them, especially now that I'm going to live with my boyfriend (his family doesn't live him but they'll visit). But even if I deny to live with him, I'll still have to meet them in several occasions.
Anyway, I have decided not to let them affect me anymore. Of course saying it, is a lot easier than actually doing it but I'll try. I won't let them ruin what I have with this man. I had the best intensions and wanted to get along with them but obviously it doesn't work out. I still wish there was something I could do about it but apparently there isn't.

My family lives in my home country (I live in another country), so I have no family of my own here. Just a few friends.

You're right, I'm not able to know what the future might hold or how his history might affect us but I can only hope that our feelings for each other will last.