[DepthsofDespair]

They say it will become a redmark on my permanent record, but the thing is that if I'm not alive than what does my permanent record matter. They refuse to accept I have a problem because they think depression is what happenes to pansies. They think I'm faking it, but the thing is I don't know how much longer I can go on without help. I feel like I'm drowning in the depths of despair with no one to turn to or confide in. :(

[CliffARobinson]

How old are you? Are these moods all the time or do they come and go.

You made references twice to "not being alive, how much longer"; are you thinking of harming yourself?

You are not alone.

[DepthsofDespair]

This has been going on for the past 6-12 months. I've always had recurring bouts of depression throughout my lifetime, but this time it's the worse because I'm a freshmen in college and I am having so much difficulty adjusting to the stress and the expectations. I feel like I can't do anything right, and that I'm not contributing to society so sometimes I catch myself wishing I had never been born.

[CliffARobinson]

So you are 18 or 19. Your health insurance is provided by your parents, and they have to approve what you use it for?

[DepthsofDespair]

Yes. I have no source of income and cannot drive. :(

[CliffARobinson]

And, you didn't answer my question... are you thinking of harming yourself?

[DepthsofDespair]

Not at the moment, no.

[DepthsofDespair]

I don't know how to describe it. It's like a nagging feeling that's always in the back of my head. I'm afraid I'm going to snap one day and actually hurt myself. I've cut myself before but have never had the courage to actually do something bad.

[Wondergirl]

Is this a four-year college away from home? (I remember how hard it was to adjust during my freshman year. The expectations for me were high and the work was never-ending!)

Is there a campus counseling office? Do you have an advisor?

[DepthsofDespair]

No, I live at home with my parents. There is a counseling office, but I am afraid to speak to my advisor out of fear that my parents will find out somehow.

[CliffARobinson]

Have you made any friends at college yet, I know it hasn't been long.

What about friends back in high school? Would you consider yourself a social butterfly, a person with a few very close friends, or a loner?

[DepthsofDespair]

I had very few friends in high school and even less in college.

[Wondergirl]

No, I live at home with my parents. There is a counseling office, but I am afraid to speak to my advisor out of fear that my parents will find out somehow.

Ask your advisor about that -- how confidential is anything that you might tell him. Technically, unless you are a danger to yourself or others, the advisor should respect your confidences and not report them to your parents.

[CliffARobinson]

So you feel alone? I'm one of those "have a few close friends" types. I've always wanted to be one of those "happy shiny people" that seem to have all the fun with the cool friends and parties...

[DepthsofDespair]

In retrospect, now that I think about it, I have no friends in college. Not a single one that I could ask for help.

[DepthsofDespair]

I believe that what I might tell the advisor would be necessary cause for him or her to believe that I am potentially a danger to myself, but not others.

[CliffARobinson]

So, besides your parents, have you told anyone else about your dark thoughts and feelings?

[DepthsofDespair]

I wouldn't mind feeling alone, if it wasn't the regret and my inhibiting shyness. It gets in the way of my ambitions. And my depression so that I can no longer have goals. Have hope that eventually things will start to get better.

[DepthsofDespair]

Nobody. I've confided in my little sister about how hopeless I feel, but she can't do anything. I feel bad for even involving her to the most minute scale in my issues. I can't tell anyone. I've effectively pushed everyone that cared about me out of my life, and now I see I have nobody. This is the first time I've ever publicly told anyone about this issue, even though it is anonymously

[CliffARobinson]

I don't want to rapid fire questions at you, but I can't help but point out that you got to college!

That is an achievement you cannot deny that. Think about that. Goal set. Goal achieved.

If I look at things in big chunks of time, like, "What am I going to be in five years", I start getting anxious and depressed at all the things that can go wrong.

But, as corny as it might sound, if I start looking at things in very small chunks, I can get through the pain you are talking about.