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sangeethasan · Sep 10, 2011, 10:19 AM

Please note that two threads were merged together.

Hi I am in love with a guy for past 3 yrs. My parents are very very strict.If they come to know that am in love with a guy,they would feel a lot.they consider their prestige to be more important than my happiness.But otherwise,they are kind to me.the reason is,guy comes from a different caste.How to express it to my parents.Am scared if they would not accept this.I don't need any other option other than marrying him.That is my supreme happiness.At the same time,I need my parents full support before marrying him.

But another problem is that my man is not ready to talk to his parents but without parents permission I can't do any thing. Please help me out.

I am from south India traditional family. I love a guy very much, can't lead my life without him. First of all my parents won't accept but I have a confident that I can convince them. But the problem now is He wants me to come out of home. He feel that we can't get parents permission. But I can't go out of my parents like that. I need my parents and Him both of them. If he can't talk to his parents, can I talk to my parents alone and get married. My man says no parents will accept for this. What can I do at this situation?

Please help me...

Kahani Punjab · Sep 10, 2011, 10:50 AM

Hey, I think your problem is pretty like OJ's here -
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriag...ge-591061.html

Read my comments and comments by others, to see if it helps. Else, we can think of some other option.

Life is to enjoy, relish and be happy.

sangeethasan · Sep 10, 2011, 10:51 AM

Oops the page cannot be viewed...

Kahani Punjab · Sep 10, 2011, 11:11 AM

Let me give it here again -
(Read and tell if it helps, by giving COMMENTS ON THIS POST)
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/hindui...ge-596650.html

joypulv · Sep 11, 2011, 04:11 AM

He feels that his parents won't approve either?
You alone have to make this decision. You can tell us more and we can talk about it, but it is an age old conflict for two young people in love. Sometimes leaving family behind works, sometimes it just causes misery.
If you feel that you can convince your parents, and want him to try with his too, then keep telling him that. Love doesn't mean doing exactly what the other person wants all the time, and he shouldn't say 'If you love me you will leave your family.' Yet you will have compromises to make too.
Perhaps a formal meeting with both of you and each set of parents, with a gift of food and gratitude for how they raised each of you yet a little about how you are adults now, and an explanation of how you plan your futures, will help. A short meeting so that it doesn't get emotional, and then one of you leaves,and then you talk alone with your parents and he with his.

sangeethasan · Sep 11, 2011, 05:22 AM

Ya I agree with you but my man is not staying with his parents. His parents are in native and he stays here and working. He says he can't get his parents permission if I want ask my parents nu. He feels if his parents comes to know about our love they will take him to native and we can't join in our life nu. But without his parents its very difficult to convince my parents.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 11, 2011, 05:27 AM

You should not have to convince anybody. I am not sure about culture implications, because our cultures are different. If your of age of maturity. You are allowed to make your own decisions and marry whom you want. With or without the blessings of any family member.

sangeethasan · Sep 11, 2011, 06:54 AM

I am 25 yrs. But I can't hurt my parents and can't leave him too...

JoeCanada76 · Sep 11, 2011, 06:59 AM

Your 25 years old and how would you be hurting your parents?
Remember you have to become your own person and making your own decisions about your own life.

joypulv · Sep 11, 2011, 12:59 PM

You asked if you can talk to your parents without talking to his.. of course, even though tradition requires that the families all agree, right? But do talk to them anyway.
If they disapprove, you have 3 choices:
Keep trying to talk to them, and hope your man doesn't give up on you and leave.
Leave and get married and hope they approve someday, such as if they want to see your children.
Break up with your man and stay at home and let them find you a husband.
As you read that, which ones sound totally wrong, and which ONE feels the best?

sangeethasan · Sep 11, 2011, 09:16 PM

Keep trying to talk to them, and hope your man doesn't give up on you and leave. FOR ME IT SOUNDS GOOD.

Break up with your man and stay at home and let them find you a husband. THIS SOUNDS TOTALLY WRONG according to me.

Because I have been bought up like that I can't leave my parents and taken a decision it will surely hurt my parents a lot. They feel guilty to face this world because our surroundings are like that. I cannt do that to my parents. Next thing is that I cannt think about anyone else in my life, if situation comes like that surely I won't live. I have born and bought up in such kind of culture. That's y now I am in lots of confusion.

joypulv · Sep 12, 2011, 03:51 AM

You haven't said how you feel about 'leave and marry him.' That's what he wants to do, right? How long do you think he will wait, despite his love for you? I'm not trying to choose for you, I'm trying to find out how each option feels for you, and you are the only one who knows how he feels. How long does any woman stay with her parents, trying to change their minds? Do you have a time limit in mind for if they don't? In other words, you have to be prepared for the possibility that they will be happy to keep you a grown child forever, taking care of them in their old age.

sangeethasan · Sep 12, 2011, 08:08 AM

I can't choose Leave and marry him... If I can't do anything I will be prepared to live my parents as a grown child forever, taking care of them in their old age.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 12, 2011, 08:25 AM

Originally Posted by sangeethasan

I can't choose Leave and marry him.... If I can't do anything I will be prepared to live my parents as a grown child forever, taking care of them in their old age.

In that case you are going to be miserable for the rest of your life. Why would you want to live with your parents and waste your life like that away?

Cat1864 · Sep 12, 2011, 08:37 AM

How long have you known him? Where is he from?

I am wondering about what type of life he is offering you if he thinks his family wouldn't accept you and he appears to think yours wouldn't accept him. It almost sounds as though he doesn't even want you to attempt to talk to your parents. It's as though he wants you dependent on him for 'family' support and no one else.

Is he offering marriage before you leave your home or is that what he says will happen after you go to him?

What facts do you have about his family? Does he have friends or any relatives near where you live? Have you met any of them?

Do you have friends you see on a regular basis? Does he have any problems with the amount of time you spend with your family and friends?

sangeethasan · Sep 12, 2011, 09:54 AM

I know him for past 4 yrs. He is from trichy.

He wants to do register marriage without informing parents and want me to come out of my home.

He has one elder sister, she got married and have 2 children's. His parents and sister are living together under the support of his sister's husband. His sister's husband is the one taking all the decision in their home. His sister husband is very strict so he afraid to tell about love to parents. He thinks it may affect his sister's life. Since he could not talk to his parents, says it is impossible to get my parents permission. So he wants me to come out to start a mew life. But I want to get at least my parents permission but he is not ready for that.

And about his friends, I don't have any contact with his friends. I never met any of his friends. But he told me about his friends but didn't give intro to anyone.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 13, 2011, 09:54 AM

How are you hurting your parents for growing up and becoming your own person and by making your own life decisions and by creating a life together with somebody if that is what you want? What if your parents are never accepting or never wants to let you go and wants you to live with them forever are you seriously going to take that? Are you seriously going to let them ruin your life like that? Maybe marriage and making big decisions is not really what you want. I do not know, but can not imagine living miserably with my parents for the rest of my life.

Now to the next step and to answer your question. If you are looking for step by step directions on what to do and what decisions to make. I am not the one going to be doing that.

Now this is where Maturity comes into play here. When you are mature enough. You need to make decisions in your life about yourself and your own life. As long as you keep asking others what to do in your life you will never grow into being your own person.

This is something you need to decide what to do on your own. It might be a hard decision but that is what life is about making decisions whether good or bad. And dealing with and learning through bad decisions that may be made and also being thankful and happy about the good decisions made in life.

Cat1864 · Sep 13, 2011, 10:10 AM

To me, it sounds like he is trying to make a possibly bad situation worse. There is something about what he wants that makes me concerned about your future. It is a warning sign to me that he doesn't want you to try to talk to your family.

I still get the feeling of him trying to manipulate you into doing things his way. It feels like he is trying to set it up to where you will have no choice but to depend on him and him alone.

What do you think your family would say if you told them you wanted to marry? Would they be more concerned about you falling in love or his family situation?

I, personally, think you should talk to your parents and, even if you don't get their permission, get their insight. Sometimes traditions can help you keep from making a huge mistake.

sangeethasan · Sep 13, 2011, 10:24 AM

Thanks all...

JoeCanada76 · Sep 13, 2011, 10:34 AM

I agree, PLEASE TALK WITH YOUR PARENTS. At some point in your future you may want to get married or have a family of your own but your still young. Never feel pressured into anything you do not want to do. Either way eventually you have to make decisions on your own. At the same time Cat is completely right. This person could be setting you up for a fall. Who really knows but as long as you understand that one day you need to make decisions for your own life. Whether it be now or later. Just saying.