[DanaCarey]

To start it off, I'm new to this site (Lol) so I don't know exactly what I'm doing... So I apologize if anything is off as far as if there is any categorizing or whatever.

I'm 18 years old, as is my girlfriend, and it seems like for the past six months now it's gone from having sex on a regular basis to perhaps getting it once a week. Being a male (and much of this comes from my family, whom are all craze for sex) I have an astonishing sex drive. We were great for the first few months: I was getting my fill, and she was too, seemingly. But then, in literally a week during the six month period, it stopped.

At first, it was the exact opposite in that she wanted sex more than I did because I had just got out of a relationship that I never really wanted to end. Then as time went on and we got closer, it was great.

To add insult to injury, she won't even talk to me about it. I'm sensitive and a bit insecure, I've no problem in admitting that - I have thought that maybe she just doesn't find me attractive or is looking for someone else. Isn't interested in me or maybe sort of despises me, after the various arguments we've been in over time. It's all I'm left to wonder because she just refuses to talk to me and shuts me out every time I ask her about it.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I'd hate to say it - because it's just sex, and that's not all I want her for - but I don't see myself hanging around much longer if she doesn't in the slightest bit open up to me about what's going on. So I wanted to get some outside info on whether this could be a female problem or maybe I should just throw in the towel, so to speak. Otherwise we have a great relationship. And I really wish for it to continue.

And allow me to go on and say (type) that living the lifestyle that I do - one that I did not choose to - on my way to the Army and med school and helping my extremely sick mother with her daycare a lot of the time, I NEED a release. That's the only reason why it's such a big deal. I've tried running, exercising, writing, etc. and nothing works except the obviously. I should go on with I don't see it as "sex", although the title says so... I see it as making love. Because I know I love her dearly... But what I need comes before what I want.

Thanks ahead of time

Dana C.

[TrueFaith]

Hi there

I'm sorry to hear about your frustrating situation,

What need and what we want are sometimes very unclear, even if we think we know a 100%
But anyway this isn't just about you, it's about both of you

There are a few red flags here that I can see,
The major one being lack of communication on her part
When something effects which this has you had the guts to say hey look what's up.

You may not have said it in the right way or seemed pushy but the need for talking was there from you, not from her side though

She does not have the same sex drive as you that is clear, and in every relationship there is always going to be that one person that's wants to have sex a lot more than the other
That's a problem most couples can over come with communication
And compromises on both ends


I feel personally you should call it a day. The relationship is not ending because you can't get your fix it's ending due to lack of communication and

Sit her down and tell her look this is my issue I really want to over come this together as a couple
If she is willing to work things out together then all the best if not then its over


Oh and the fix needing part your young at the moment that's pretty normal you will find other outlets later on
Your going through a very hard time at the moment all you are really looking for is to connect with someone
And you are lacking that in this relationship not just due to the lack of sex but the other very important fact..
Talking and being with someone emotionally and physically.


My advice try and fine someone you can connect with in both ways


All the best

[talaniman]

I don't know how long you have been together, but I doubt your girlfriend would agree that this is a great relationship, its great for you. Lack of sex, after the lust has worn off is but a symptom of a greater problem in other areas of the relationship that need addressing. That you cannot talk about it, and put more importance on the physical, than mental, emotional, and spiritual, probably has you distracted as to the true cause, or leaves you short of finding out, or exploring other avenues for her feelings.

Just the fact that this is all about your own needs, and problems shows there is a disconnect that goes beyond communications. Until you can back up and see a bigger picture than just yourself, I doubt your needs will be met, or you get on the same page about your wants, and HER wants. That's the missing part of the equation here, all you are seeing is YOUR wants, and YOUR needs, through YOUR feelings.

Until, or unless, you can see HER wants, and HER needs, through HER feelings, this will never work. This isn't about sex, and communications is only a start. But many relationships fizzle after the bodies have had enough, and the mind wants more, but doesn't get it.

No I doubt your girl would agree when you say you love her, or the relationship is great. Bet she feels very used, and taken for granted. But if you can't talk to her about things other than your needs, then you will never know.

[DanaCarey]

Okay, the first answer made sense. And I appreciate that...

But to the second dude, you've NO right trying to call out that it's all about me. I've given this girl EVERYTHING, I've worked until I've come close to passing out just so she has a place to live, every single second that I have to myself is spent with HER any time she'd like me there & most importantly, when her family pushes her away, I'M there to catch her fall. Yeah, I put emphasis on my own desires, but after the blood, sweat, depression, anger and pain that I've went through in order just to be with her (you would not freaking believe it unless you were there) yeah... I believe I've earned a bit of time away from everything else. She swears up and down that she's happy with me; and she's the type if she'd want to break it off, she would. Exactly what happened the first time around.

Regardless of how ignorant your answer is, I do appreciate it. And I thank you for taking the time.

[mmresd]

Being insecure is not something you "admit" is something you cure, and you cure it by working on yourself and learning how to be self-confident, don't just accept it... that is dumb.

I think that there is a bigger problem hidden here, there is no reason why your girlfriend is not wanting to have sex, unless the obvious reasons like period, headache, or any other type of illness. This relationship is pretty young, and having problems that normally arise years into a relationship I don't think this is meant to be. You need to start moving on and not focus so much on getting laid with someone that clearly does not want to be with you.

[talaniman]

I find it amusing that you did not understand my answer to your question, which was, in a nutshell, get out of self, and explore other areas of the relationship besides the physical which is lacking for you. That takes communication, not about sex, or your needs, but the relationship itself.

Consider, if you are doing all this for her, and expect to have your sexual needs met, maybe she backs up on meeting your needs, to make sure you are not with her just for sex, that you aren't doing things for her, just for sex, when and how you want it. What's telling is you cannot see that on your own, because your own frustrations are in the way.

Do you even know the basis for sex starts in the mind? Get into your females mind, and find out how she feels, what's she feels, and why, and you will know why YOUR needs are not met, and how to get them met.

Funny that you think I am ignorant, but you are the one that doesn't know. I have been married long enough to know for a fact that if you make love to the mind, the body will follow. At least be honest and tell her straight up, "If I do A,B, and C, then I expect you to do D, E, and F!". Isn't that what you wrote here to us, you do so much and expect her to do so much? You haven't made love to her mind yet, and you won't get her body until you do.

That's the whole key to a successful relationship, connect the minds together, and the bodies will always be joined. Lust fades, love grows. Lust gives you a great time for a while, but you can't build a lasting, healthy, relationship on it.

[Cat1864]

Dana, what do you mean by " Exactly what happened the first time around."

What happened six months ago? When the slow down started?

When and how do you try to talk to her about the issues? Do you ask her what she is feeling or do you tell her what you want? How you approach the discussion (not confrontation) can go a long ways toward encouraging your partner to talk to you.

I don't think you are going to like this assessment but a good bit of your posts sound like she owes you sex so that you can be less stressful. Could that be the impression that she is getting?

How much attention do you give to getting her mentally stimulated? While in the beginning of a relationship when interactions are driven by 'lust', it can seem like physical stimulation is enough. However, it can seem like that because the female is thinking about sex a lot. So the groundwork is already started. Later when reality is causing problems, it takes longer to let go of the distractions, relax, and allow the mind to want to have sex. If we feel pressured (either by ourselves or our partners) it can cause us to shut down. The same way if we start feeling used.

Don't allow yourself to get so caught up in what you think you need that you miss when she is trying to tell you what is wrong. Though she may not know. It may be something she is trying to figure out.

Here's another thought for you: If you are getting ready to go into the military and med school, is she getting worried about the future? She may have her own insecurities causing her to back off. Are you willing and able to discuss them with her without letting your insecurities cause problems?