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september9 · Sep 9, 2011, 01:12 PM

I don't love my husband and I haven't for a very long time. We have been married 11 years and have 3 children together. I can't say really what happened, I think it was a few things that have led to this. He makes very poor financial decisions and I lost a lot of respect for him when that started happening. I have always been against divorce but I look at how unhappy we both have become and sometimes I think would it be better to part ways so our kids could see us truly happy, even if its with someone else? Or do we stay married and let our kids see this is how married people are---because this isn't right either. Although there is not a lot of fighting or anything like that, we just really aren't interested in each other. There is no one else involved but in my thoughts I often think of another guy. I think how this other guy makes me smile and how I enjoy being around him. I don't see him often but when I do I feel like maybe we do have a connection. He thinks I'm cute and funny, he likes to listen to me (not about anything personal) and I think he also enjoys being around me. --He is single and probably 10 years older than me. I would never leave my family for him--and I don't cheat-- this is all platonic. I just think, "gosh, were we really meant to be with someone else?" I do believe that some people have connections that are beyond their control. I have never stated my feelings to this guy, it is nothing like that, I just think that maybe I keep thinking about him because I am in such an unhappy place right now. But, I don't know how I can ever go back---its just not there anymore. And financially we could not divorce and besides we have so much invested with family, friends and assets. I just wish my wandering mind would quit! I don't know what kind of advice I am looking for, I guess I just needed to explain my thoughts out loud. But, any advice would be appreciated.

ken007nielsen · Sep 9, 2011, 01:38 PM

If you truly isn't happy in your marriage, you shouldn't be in it. It's your life do with it as you please.
Though you may want to keep in mind, that should you choose to get an actual divorce, and start dating this man you often think about, it will reflect poorly on you from your husband, kids, family and friends.

Not to mention that a divorce is a big deal, and when someone goes through that they need time to heal, to be themselves and heal from the break up.

If your certain you and your husband have tried your every option to re-connect and you still feel that this marriage isent in your best interest, then yes you should leave.

Just make sure you allow some time to pass before engaging in a relationship with that other man.

phillysteakandcheese · Sep 9, 2011, 01:58 PM

You should never think of yourself as being “stuck” in a bad relationship. You always have options. If you really wanted to… You could file for divorce. You could go to counseling. You could become determined to try and save the marriage. You could pack a bag and take a bus to some faraway place. None of these are easy, but they are there.

You need to make a decision and take action.
Being stagnate will just maintain the status quo and ensure you stay miserable.

QLP · Sep 9, 2011, 06:36 PM

I think it would be helpful for you to explore your feelings more deeply with a counsellor rather than go round and round in circles in your head. Maybe you would then like to go on to see if your husband will join in the process too.

Silverfoxkit · Sep 9, 2011, 08:49 PM

Have you considered the idea of a separation? A time apart to really have a chance to examine how both of you feel. You don't have to go right to divorce. Maybe with a little time apart you can find feelings that have long since become hidden away. If you discover you are truly happier and better off apart, then you can decide where to go from there.

Prusec · Sep 19, 2011, 12:03 AM

The grass that looks greener elsewhere never is. You picture an idyllic relationship in your head, but this is not reality - realtionships take WORK and it sounds to me that you have never actually worked at your relationship with your husband. Things didn't go how you wanted and so you lost interest. This is a very childish and unfair attitude towards him.
My priority would always be for the children, and no matter what you may think, children want their parents to be TOGETHER. So for their sake I would like to invite you to see a councillor and remind yourself as to why you got married in the first place. Those feelings of love and excitement are still in there - he is still the same man you once fell in love with. You should revisit those places and feelings, and make time for one another. More than that you should also recognise that this alternative interest will go the same way in the end because YOU are not different.