[Jessyjess]

Hello... I need help... I wrote a paper for english on a personnal event that was embarrassing... My teacher is very anal about it being concrete and interesting... Will you please read it and give me any sugesstions... To change or make it concrete... It is due tomorrow.. I just finished it today... This is my frist time ever dealing with writing.. Because in high school I didn't do writing at all... Please help me :(



THE BIG surprise

“Ooh La la, look at those cute guys walking behinds us,” I gossiped to my friends, Lindsay and Melissa as we strutted out stuff down the long hallway in the Bay City Mall on my 15th birthday. Boldly and confidently I did a sharp turnaround and began walking backwards, with a big smile on my face, batting my eyelashes, trying to get their attention. “JESSICA!” Lindsay Screeched. Hearing my name echoing through the hallway, I slightly jumped, reacting quickly by jerking my body around, rolling my eyes, snapping, “WHAT? ” The next few moments were so embarrassing; neither I nor anyone else there will ever forget it.

“KABOOOOOM!” I instantly felt a hard piece of metal smash into my forehead, causing me to violently hurtle backwards, slamming my butt on the hard ceramic tile floor. Lying there sprawled out motionless, listening to the loud piercing clanging noise of the metal sign, disrupting the silence of the peaceful mall. My face began burning with humiliation, feeling my temples pulsating with pain. Just then I directed my blurry vision up. It was one of the guys standing over me, staring down with his bright blue eyes, brand name clothing, and his perfectly spiked moussed hair. He then opened his perfect moisturized lips, exposing his snow white teeth and joked, “Good one girl!”

Hearing chuckling coming from his friends, I promptly whipped my hands to my bright red face, covering my slightly curled bottom lip. Tears began to form as I proceeded to cry in embarrassment under my shielded face. At that moment I wished, “Why can't everyone just go away!”

I suddenly heard Melissa snicker, “You're and idiot!” I slowly let my trembling hands slide down my wet teary face. I scanned my eyes slowly and cautiously around the hallway, hoping that those guys were no longer around. “OHMIGOD!” I exploded, after realizing they were no longer there. “Get up dork, lets go home!” Lindsay demanded. I staggered to my feet, regaining my balance, quickly pacing to the door with my head down, ashamed.

Three years later at a high school dance, some guy walked up to me and proposed, “Aren't you that girl that ran into the sign?” I laughed and announced, “Yes, yes I am!”

[McNamara]

If you are serious about this ! You need to add substance to your work, you don't seem to have a beginning, body or conclusion that makes any sense.

[email protected]

[McNamara]

If you are serious about this ! You need to add substance to your work, you don't seem to have a beginning, body or conclusion that makes any sense.

[email protected]

[a1succesforce]

You may also want to look out for misplaced modifiers.

[gurlfulofsmiles]

With telling any story especially when you are being graded on it you need to have a layout. Grammar spellings, puntuations, and sentences are a big thing. Make it make some sense, not as if you are writing a note to a friend.